I have had an absolutely wonderful Mother's Day today. I got woken up early to French toast in bed, presents, cards - honestly the kids and T spoiled me so much it was unreal.
Today has been a huge wake up call for me though. I have been surrounded by people that love me yet all day i have been preoccupied with this blog.
There was a time when i needed Wonderful Now. There was a time when it was my only friend - when i was in that in between place after having left that hideous life behind me where i no longer associated with people from my past but i had yet to reconnect with my real friends and family. There was a time when this darn blog was my only friend.
In one of my classes last week we were discussing withdrawals and the lecturer was explaining what happens and how they get worse before they get better and boy did they what! I blogged through that whole time - it was my only outlet and i am so glad that i did.
As my life has become happier and more and more full and as the blog has become more and more popular i have always been aware that there are people out there that read it that hate me, and want to see me fall or get enjoyment out of my bad days. I wish this blog had a block function so that i could block certain people who have those unhealthy thoughts - but it doesn't and i can't.
I doubt very much that the events of this past week would have happened if i had not had a blog because that person would have eventually forgotten about me and moved on. Without the comment function on here she would not have had a way to harass me anonymously. I have been aware that there are people out there that only read my blog hoping to see bad, and people that are just being nosy who i really don't want to know what is going on in my life.
Things have changed so much for the better for me though over the past three years. It is truly incredible and i thank God every single day for all the blessings that i have in my life now. Like i have said before - i have never been broker and i have never been happier.
I have my studies to focus on this year. I am not sure how i am going to get these 5 assignments done by June 25th if i am focusing on this blog or the negativity that has come with it lately. I have my family, and i have Ts family to think about now.
Someone commented in a threatening comment to me earlier today . They said people know where i live and have passed that information around.
I don't need that stress. T doesn't need the stress. None of our children need the stress.
T and i are looking forward to a bright future together and our Brady Bunch home that we are planning on having soon needs to be a safe haven for our children. I do not ever want to feel like i cannot leave my teenagers at home alone once i have moved from here. I do not ever want T or his children to suffer because of something that i have written.
Today when T was emailing a complaint off to that journalist i saw emotion in his eyes that i had never seen before. I never want to see him upset over something that has been said about me again.
I guess what i am saying is that it is time to end the Wonderful Now. I want my privacy back and i want that for T and his children and our future as well.
Wonderful Now seemed like a good idea 3 years ago - but it no longer does.
I am not even thinking in terms of my haters getting their way. I forgive them. This is not about winning or losing to me - it is about being big enough to do the right thing and walk away.
Thank you to all the wonderful people who have encouraged me and supported me through all of my trials and tribulations over the past three years. Your words of encouragement have helped me more than you know and will never be forgotten.
I will spare a thought for you when i am graduating, getting married, etc etc etc!
To anyone who is currently in a hopeless place - just remember that no mistake or bad decision is ever fatal. There is always a U turn option if you find yourself down a dark road that does not appear to have a light at the end.
That is all i have ever wanted my blog to say. Maybe i got off track at times but that is how i am going to end it.
Inventory2 over at Keeping Stock said something to me not long ago that i have not forgotten. He said "watch out Jac - it is when things are going so good that the devil tries to stick his oar in".
I am taking the oar off him and breaking it in half.
To the generous people who offered to donate towards my legal expenses...if you are feeling like donating money then i would rather see it donated to a much more worthwhile cause.
Life is too short to sweat the small stuff.
On that note i will leave you with this...Everything truly is Wonderful Now.
Take care you lot!
Today has been a huge wake up call for me though. I have been surrounded by people that love me yet all day i have been preoccupied with this blog.
There was a time when i needed Wonderful Now. There was a time when it was my only friend - when i was in that in between place after having left that hideous life behind me where i no longer associated with people from my past but i had yet to reconnect with my real friends and family. There was a time when this darn blog was my only friend.
In one of my classes last week we were discussing withdrawals and the lecturer was explaining what happens and how they get worse before they get better and boy did they what! I blogged through that whole time - it was my only outlet and i am so glad that i did.
As my life has become happier and more and more full and as the blog has become more and more popular i have always been aware that there are people out there that read it that hate me, and want to see me fall or get enjoyment out of my bad days. I wish this blog had a block function so that i could block certain people who have those unhealthy thoughts - but it doesn't and i can't.
I doubt very much that the events of this past week would have happened if i had not had a blog because that person would have eventually forgotten about me and moved on. Without the comment function on here she would not have had a way to harass me anonymously. I have been aware that there are people out there that only read my blog hoping to see bad, and people that are just being nosy who i really don't want to know what is going on in my life.
Things have changed so much for the better for me though over the past three years. It is truly incredible and i thank God every single day for all the blessings that i have in my life now. Like i have said before - i have never been broker and i have never been happier.
I have my studies to focus on this year. I am not sure how i am going to get these 5 assignments done by June 25th if i am focusing on this blog or the negativity that has come with it lately. I have my family, and i have Ts family to think about now.
Someone commented in a threatening comment to me earlier today . They said people know where i live and have passed that information around.
I don't need that stress. T doesn't need the stress. None of our children need the stress.
T and i are looking forward to a bright future together and our Brady Bunch home that we are planning on having soon needs to be a safe haven for our children. I do not ever want to feel like i cannot leave my teenagers at home alone once i have moved from here. I do not ever want T or his children to suffer because of something that i have written.
Today when T was emailing a complaint off to that journalist i saw emotion in his eyes that i had never seen before. I never want to see him upset over something that has been said about me again.
I guess what i am saying is that it is time to end the Wonderful Now. I want my privacy back and i want that for T and his children and our future as well.
Wonderful Now seemed like a good idea 3 years ago - but it no longer does.
I am not even thinking in terms of my haters getting their way. I forgive them. This is not about winning or losing to me - it is about being big enough to do the right thing and walk away.
Thank you to all the wonderful people who have encouraged me and supported me through all of my trials and tribulations over the past three years. Your words of encouragement have helped me more than you know and will never be forgotten.
I will spare a thought for you when i am graduating, getting married, etc etc etc!
To anyone who is currently in a hopeless place - just remember that no mistake or bad decision is ever fatal. There is always a U turn option if you find yourself down a dark road that does not appear to have a light at the end.
That is all i have ever wanted my blog to say. Maybe i got off track at times but that is how i am going to end it.
Inventory2 over at Keeping Stock said something to me not long ago that i have not forgotten. He said "watch out Jac - it is when things are going so good that the devil tries to stick his oar in".
I am taking the oar off him and breaking it in half.
To the generous people who offered to donate towards my legal expenses...if you are feeling like donating money then i would rather see it donated to a much more worthwhile cause.
Life is too short to sweat the small stuff.
On that note i will leave you with this...Everything truly is Wonderful Now.
Take care you lot!
Posts
29 comments:
There is a god after all :)
Yep! If my life now compared to what it was three years ago is not proof of that - then nothing is.
I hope you find someone else and somewhere else to vent your hate soon.
Well, I'd never heard of either of you until today but came on over after seeing the HoS article. I think you're right - move on and make better use of your energy - good luck with your studies.
Goodbye Jackie.
I admire you and will always support you, even though we have never met. I encourage you to look me up if you come to Hamilton. I have a chat room on my website, of which internet URL you are aware of, so if you ever need to talk about anything, I have a fair amount of legal knowledge that I would be happy to impart to you. And we can talk privately on there. Travel well, and God bless. xx
Anon 6:37 Yep - fight or flight - i think in this instance flight is the better option.
My life is too happy these days to be dragged down by this stuff and if the people/bullies that hate me have no way of contacting me and nothing to obsess over every day - they will find something new to spend their lives focusing on and move on.
Thank you re the studies. I wish i had known how addictive success is 20 years ago - but i am making up for it now.
Alecia - will stay in touch. Thank you for all the kind words and support that you have sent my way from pretty much day one of my journey.
We will def catch up for that coffee one day soon! I promise! x
Will look forward to it my friend xx
Yes she sure is watching your every move, what a sad excuse for a human being.
I can understand why this is the end of Wonderful Now and with this I would like to wish you, The T and your Brady Bunch a Wonderful Happy and Healthy future together Jackie. You are truly inspirational, always be proud for how far you have come over the past 3 years! :)
PS: A message to Debbie Brown to please feel free to pop along to the following clinic for a diagnosis. What you are doing is NOT normal and I’m sure you can seek some much needed treatment at this facility.
http://www.waitematadhb.govt.nz/PatientsVisitors/TheMasonClinic.aspx
Never heard of you either until today but you are clearly a strong lady with a good head on your shoulders to make this decision.
All the very best for your future.
good on YOU Jackie...
I too agree with you and reckon its time to let go of the drug, 'the blog", since you have outgrown that kind of "medication"..
and then maybe, the scumbag media, will in time forget whom you are and allow you and your family to live in peace again, as well as those who have nothing better to go do, that to bully others online, will move onto to something else..
and as someone above said, coffee/tea when ya call thru Hamilton...
Cheers my friend..
Fred - i had been thinking about ending it for ages but had decided to keep it going through my studies and end it when i graduated. I thought that would have been the perfect ending to something that had started out so hopeless.
I won't be graduating at all though if i spend my time focusing on fighting bullies and people that stalk and harass me because i was not able to cope with their drama in my life.
If i do not have a public online presence - i can focus on what is important - and they can find someone else to stalk.
They win. Who cares.
People should be very concerned about the threat to freedom of speech that we have witnessed over the past week and how some deranged psycho thought that using her free lawyer could take away mine - but that is not a cause that i feel passionately enough about to carry this drama on.
Thanks for your support - as always Fred. Coffee next time i am in Hamilton - for sure!
Add me to your coffee dates when you're next in Wellington.
Very sorry to see you leave the blogosphere, but know you're simply moving on to bigger and better things with every passing day.
Will miss your wisdom, humour and often astonishing honesty. I read a Stephen Fry quote yesterday that's pertinent to you "Writers are people brave enough to make you feel better about being human because they're not afraid to reveal their own frailties, weaknesses, desires failures and appetites."
XX
Thanks - as always for your support Suz. It has been awesome. Please feel free to keep in touch via email.
I have made a complaint to the editor of the HOS in relation to yesterday's article and will be taking it to the Press Council if i do not receive an apology in print and online with the inaccuracies corrected.
Here is what i wrote in that complaint.
Dear Sir,
I am wishing to make a formal complaint regarding an article that appeared in the Herald On Sunday and online on the New Zealand Herald Website on Sunday, May 13th 2012.
The article is titled Laws' Ladies trade blows.
My complaint relates to the sleaze and inaccurate gossip that was reported in this "news" item.
The very title is incorrect. I am not "Laws' lady" and am insulted at anyone implying that i am - especially in a newspaper with your readership.
I did not date Laws last year. I have been in a loving and committed relationship with someone else for a year. My association with Laws ended in 2010. In getting this very easily checked and confirmed fact wrong your readership was lead to believe that any argument that is going on between myself and Debbie Brown is over Laws. It is my opinion that this mistake was made on purpose in order to make this story newsworthy and justify the title.
The article is extremely bias in that it refers to me as what i once WAS ( prostitute, p addict) not what i am now - a successful full time student, mother to three great kids, loyal partner, recovered drug addict who has been abstinate for 3 years. On the other hand this article refers to Debbie Brown as what she is NOW - and ignores her past in relation to her long term relationship with Antonie Dixon and her past and ongoing treatment for Psychiatric disorders. Your article was purposely bias in that it referred to my past however ignored my present and only referred to Debbie in the present.
It is my view that this was to purposely make me look unfavourably in the article.
The article incorrectly states that any papers that i have been served accuse me of defamation.
The article incorrectly states that our falling out was over something that i had blogged.
This article incorrectly states that i have ever alleged that Debbie Brown had a relationship with Michael Laws. I have never claimed that they had a relationship but even if they did - i do not care.
Your article claims that i identified both of these individuals on my blog prior to being served with legal papers alleging harassment. This is absolutely untrue and in printing that statement as well as many of the others that i have mentioned in this email the HOS have defamed me.
I am requesting an apology for the above article to me personally as well as printed and published online with the errors that your journalist has made corrected.
Your journalist chose to bang out 300 odd words of sleaze and inaccurate gossip and completely missed the opportunity to explore in an intelligent way, current issues relating to defamation/freedom of speech within a social media context- which this case and others highlight.
I will be making a complaint to The Press Council if my request is not granted.
Kind regards,
Jacqueline Sperling
Moving forward is a process in life that many people loathe because moving forward is a time that requires one to make changes. Being able to move forward in life is a true test of a person's maturity level, and a true test of the confidence that they have within themselves. In order to succeed in the accomplishment of the dreams and goals that we have in our hearts we must be able to not only look forward, but also have the capacity to move forward as well. We must resist looking back, and trying to relive the past, because our past can only be lived but once, and the mistakes that we made in it can not be redone. We can choose to make wiser decisions, and learn from the experiences that we went through in order to become the best person possible in moving forward in our lives.
"Wonderful Now" has served
it's purpose for you but it is time for you to let it go - I have been blown away by your strength of character so now you must use that strength to block all those negative people from your life.....and by ending this blog you will achieve that and be able to move forward to renewed strength. All the very best Jacqui to you, your family and to Mr T - we will all miss you but be glad in our hearts that the rough times for you are well and truly OVER.....this is the only way - good luck - Cheers Ali x
So very well said Ali. My thoughts exactly re using my strength to rid myself of the negativity and block out the bad things / people and instead spend that energy focusing on the good in my life.
Without the blog - none of it can touch me.
There was no good in my life when i started Wonderful Now.
Now there is an abundance.
Thank you for all of your supportive comments over the years. You and Suz and so many others have been amazing and encouraging.
I will find a way to let you know when i graduate! xxx
Hello and goodbye Jackie, I have been following your blog for the last 3 months or so and looked forward to them and thoroughly enjoyed them. You have shown an amazing strength and determination in them. That strength will get you through the current issue. I am sure most (99%)of your readers will wish you well and like me will miss your blog
Good luck
John
Yes, I will definitely miss it.
I had followed your blog after it was referred to me about 2 years ago, and kept reading as I was so impressed with your writing skills and way with words. It didn't matter what the topic was (or drama!), your flow of narrative reflects your personality and emotions in a way that not many ever could.
I always thought you might go into training in a journalism role (say, North & South type of real investigation), but I hope you will be as successful in the field of addiction therapy if that is what you choose.
Best wishes for your success, I hope we do get to read your book eventually and learn the final outcome of this blog episode. It will probably need a Volume on it's own!
Life. Is. Short. Enjoy. It.
Marc
Me too ;-)
I have had a free day today and i guess not unlike with any other addiction - i have been resisting the urge! haha
I am going to miss writing. I am going to miss the emails from people when i do a post that they have enjoyed. I am going to miss the laughs and the wisdom and wit of the comments you guys leave. I am going to miss the good and positive vibes that i have always felt coming from so many people. I am going to miss knowing that there is a chance that someone out there who might be where i once was will change their life because unlike when i was there and thought i had just screwed up too badly to ever get back to any kind of good - they will see that change is possible. They won't believe the hype like i did and think that recovery is impossible. They will see that P addiction is not terminal.
My blog kind of always made me feel like my mistakes were not worthless. Like i was putting them to good use and that writing about them might help someone.
I am going to miss all of that, and you guys - but i beat P addiction so i can beat blog addiction!
;-)
Thank you for your kind comments. They are appreciated.
Just between you and me Marc, I can envisage Ms Sperling (B.A. Phd), excelling in Addiction Counselling, at the same time as publishing Papers in Medical journals, not to mention an autobiography.
She is simply too talented a writer, to not pursue it in some way.
Marc and Suz - i couldn't decide between Journalism and Addiction Studies. It was a difficult decision.
In the end i went with the one that i thought would get me out of the welfare rut and into full time employment the fastest.
I will have a certificate in Alcohol and Drug Studies at the end of this year and will be able to get a job with that while continuing to study while working in the field for the Bachelors degree.
Which choice was going to enable me to never have to return to a WINZ office again - as soon as possible was the decider.
Journalism would have taken three years and then it is such a trendy career choice at the moment that it might have been more difficult to find find a job.
Thanks for your faith in me and your humour you two. x
A wise and pragmatic choice...plus when you look at the standard of journalism in some of the rags, even as recently as yesterday, u gotta wonder!?
I know your talents will be put to good use elsewhere.
I shan't comment again, as I know you've got to wean yourself off Wonderful Now, as do so many of your loyal and caring readers.
Be happy my friend x.
all the very best to you Jackie, you've been a light in the dark for many people needing help to move forward from their addictions, and for the rest of us, someone to admire as we've watched you find your feet and your freedom. I too hope you pursue writing in some way, I'm sure you will, once you've graduated with flying colours!
Wishing you and those you love every happiness. :))
All the best for the journey ahead Jackie; here's a verse you might enjoy that kept recurring for me after a marriage break-up a few years back:
6-7I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.
8-9You never saw him, yet you love him. You still don't see him, yet you trust him—with laughter and singing. Because you kept on believing, you'll get what you're looking forward to: total salvation. 1 Peter 1:6-10 (The Message)
Kia kaha Jackie; thoughts and prayers are with you in your journey.
Thank you Julie and KS. I feel blessed to know both of you and know that we will keep in touch.
That verse just made me cry. You always know the right scripture KS. It was your advice and words from months ago that helped me come to this decision.
And Julie - My copy of Monday Musings still sits on my bedside cabinet. I pick it up all the time and it always makes me smile.
Without Wonderful Now i wouldn't know either of you...so much more good came from this blogging experience of mine - than bad.
See you two on the FB side! ;-)
Pleased you made a complaint. Most journalists working for that rag are illiterate immoral cunts. Actually, that covers most journalists.
Yep Anon 6:47 - that was another factor in my decision to study Addiction rather than Journalism.
I like being able to sleep at night and i don't think i would be able to if i had to write crap like they wrote on Sunday for a living.
I want to make a difference by doing something good with the next 25 years of my life.
Dear Jackie,
It was a pleasure reading and following your blog. It's a bit sad that this is the end of an era but I guess this blog has served its purpose.
I wish you all the best of luck for the future and God bless.
P.S: If I ever visit Auckland I would like to meet you (and if I ever visit Hamilton I would like to meet Alecia ;-))
Hi darling
Well I shed a tear of happiness for you today Jackie. I really think that you are doing the right thing by giving up this blog and focusing on your future, your family and the ones you love. Sometimes we have to do what is right to protect them and that means walking away. It takes a lot of courage to do that.
Sometimes closing one door will make the way for a whole corridor of new ones to open. You have won by doing this hun. You have not lost at all.
That was by far the most heart felt blog I have read yet and I wish all the very best for your future with your man and your life.
When you hold on to hate you hold on to imprisoning thyself from freedom!!!
Take care and will stay in touch
xxx
Thanks for your kind thoughts and words G.
Email me once in awhile and keep in touch k. x
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