With all the junk that we get sent on the internet, occassionally we receive something like this, that is just too good not to share.
Many thanks to the person who sent me this! x
July 31, 2011
Photo of the year
With all the junk that we get sent on the internet, occassionally we receive something like this, that is just too good not to share.
Many thanks to the person who sent me this! x
How to Avoid Burnout
'...the bush burned...yet was not consumed.' Exodus 3:2 AMP
I have had THE BEST weekend ever. I can't quite believe how perfectly a week that started out so horribly has ended. I feel really blessed right now.
Mr T and i have spent the entire weekend together. It has been amazing. It has been happy, stress free, hilarious - my stomach has been sore from laughing. We have talked a ton...and i am even nearly to the point where i can relax and fall asleep at his place again, without jumping at every single noise that i hear for fear that a crazy woman is going to smash her way in to his house again.
The closest we came to a disagreement was last night. We went to the movies in town again. Another one of those arty farty film festival ones. Oh. My. Gosh...it was slit your wrists depressing. I wanted to walk out, but instead i embarrassed my Mr T by totally falling asleep. That movie has beaten 'Sister Act Two' and become number one on my list of worst movies that i have ever seen.
Mr T loved it. He raved on about how great it was even. I have told him that he can find an affair to take to those kinds of movies because if i never see a movie that slow and depressing again in my life...i will die happy.
Melancholia - Don't. See. It. Unless you are having trouble sleeping.
Today, we went out for coffee and read the Sunday papers together.
We then wandered around the Avondale markets, just people watching. We laughed about how one day we would go there with 20 dollars each to dress each other in the worst clothes that we could find for the other. On the way home we played darts in the car with the Jenna Jamieson dart board game that one of the stall holders had given Mr T for free.
I haven't laughed as hard as i have this weekend, in ages.
I am now back home, and busy getting the kids and all their stuff ready to head back to school tomorrow.
I am so happy right now. Missing my Mr T but i get to see him tomorrow. All is good in my little world.
Remember the story of the burning bush? It burned, but it didn't burn out. Some people who once burned for God have burned out. Loyal workers in the church for years; suddenly they vanish. Herbert J. Freudenberger, a psychologist, describes burnout as 'fatigue brought about by devotion to a cause that failed to produce the expected reward'.
So how can you avoid burnout? First, seek God's input. 'If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault...' (James 1:5 NIV). God is an expert; consult Him. Secondly, realign your priorities. Too many irons in the fire mean none of them gets adequate attention. Learn to say no. Your family will appreciate it, even if others don't. Thirdly, practise the art of thanksgiving. Freudenberger says, 'Get into the habit of noticing - and nurturing - the unspectacular good things that happen to you.' Next, learn the art of physical relaxation. Take ten or twenty minutes at the end of the day to sit in a comfortable chair and enjoy a good stretch. Coax your body and mind to relax. Imagine yourself basking on a warm beach. How about exercising? It's one of the best antibiotics for burnout.
But pick what works for you, not what stresses you. You could develop your own relief devices; take a walk; read a good book; try a little creative loafing. As James Thurber quipped, 'It's better to have loafed and lost, than never to have loafed at all.' Finally, find someone to share with. Shutting yourself off increases the problem rather than solving it. Find someone you trust to talk with.
I have had THE BEST weekend ever. I can't quite believe how perfectly a week that started out so horribly has ended. I feel really blessed right now.
Mr T and i have spent the entire weekend together. It has been amazing. It has been happy, stress free, hilarious - my stomach has been sore from laughing. We have talked a ton...and i am even nearly to the point where i can relax and fall asleep at his place again, without jumping at every single noise that i hear for fear that a crazy woman is going to smash her way in to his house again.
The closest we came to a disagreement was last night. We went to the movies in town again. Another one of those arty farty film festival ones. Oh. My. Gosh...it was slit your wrists depressing. I wanted to walk out, but instead i embarrassed my Mr T by totally falling asleep. That movie has beaten 'Sister Act Two' and become number one on my list of worst movies that i have ever seen.
Mr T loved it. He raved on about how great it was even. I have told him that he can find an affair to take to those kinds of movies because if i never see a movie that slow and depressing again in my life...i will die happy.
Melancholia - Don't. See. It. Unless you are having trouble sleeping.
Today, we went out for coffee and read the Sunday papers together.
We then wandered around the Avondale markets, just people watching. We laughed about how one day we would go there with 20 dollars each to dress each other in the worst clothes that we could find for the other. On the way home we played darts in the car with the Jenna Jamieson dart board game that one of the stall holders had given Mr T for free.
I haven't laughed as hard as i have this weekend, in ages.
I am now back home, and busy getting the kids and all their stuff ready to head back to school tomorrow.
I am so happy right now. Missing my Mr T but i get to see him tomorrow. All is good in my little world.
July 30, 2011
Have i mentioned lately
...just how much i adore my friends?
I have been sitting here wondering exactly how i got through this week without losing the plot. I am pretty sure that it is thanks to my friends. Friends who send me stuff like this;
God probably had a hand in it as well. I know he won't give me anything that i can't handle - i just wish he didn't trust me so much. ;)
I have been sitting here wondering exactly how i got through this week without losing the plot. I am pretty sure that it is thanks to my friends. Friends who send me stuff like this;
Whenever God shines his light on me
Opens up my eyes so I can see
When I look up in the darkest night
I know everythings going to be alright
In deep confusion, in great despair
When I reach out for him he is there
When I am lonely as I can be
I know that God shines his light on me
Reach out for him, hell be there
With him your troubles you can share
If you live the life you love
You get the blessing from above
He heals the sick and heals the lame
Says you can do it too in jesus name
Hell lift you up and turn you around
And put your feet back on higher ground
Reach out for him, hell be there
With him your troubles you can share
You can use his higher power
In every day and any hour
He heals the sick and heals the lame
Says you can do it too in jesus name
Hell lift you up and turn you around
And put your feet back on higher ground.
God probably had a hand in it as well. I know he won't give me anything that i can't handle - i just wish he didn't trust me so much. ;)
Times have changed
Teen dies after party stabbing
When i was 18 boys took fists to parties, in case they wanted to fight. These days they take knives, i guess.
I always say that i don't understand how my mother could have let my sister and i be out at all hours of the night, not knowing what we were doing or who we were with.
Maybe my answer to that question is not so much about the fact that she just didn't care, and was more worried about the men that she had in her life. Maybe it has more to do with the fact that there just wasn't much to worry about back then.
Who knows.
This has really saddened me this morning. It has made me hug my kids extra hard.
This could be any party, in any suburb, in any city, and any one's kid.
Partygoers worked desperately to keep an 18-year-old stab victim alive last night after a fight at a party in East Auckland.This is just up the road from where i live.
Their efforts were in vain and today the teenager's body still lay in the middle of a Pakuranga street today as police began a homicide inquiry.
Police were called to the party in Greenhill Crescent shortly after 11pm after ambulance officers refused to go in, saying it was too dangerous.
After police arrived, paramedics found the body of the 18-year-old in the street.
Police were called after reports of a fight on the street, Detective Senior Sergeant Dave Glossop of Counties Manukau Police said.
When they arrived the teenager was dead in the middle of the road, he said.
"Witnesses were still trying to administer first aid."
Police are talking to partygoers about what happened.
A preliminary examination showed the teenager had several stab wounds, Mr Glossop said.
Police had notified the deceased's immediate family but were giving them time to advise other family members before his name could be released, he said.
Mr Glossop said a formal identification also needed to be carried out before the deceased's identity could be revealed.
When i was 18 boys took fists to parties, in case they wanted to fight. These days they take knives, i guess.
I always say that i don't understand how my mother could have let my sister and i be out at all hours of the night, not knowing what we were doing or who we were with.
Maybe my answer to that question is not so much about the fact that she just didn't care, and was more worried about the men that she had in her life. Maybe it has more to do with the fact that there just wasn't much to worry about back then.
Who knows.
This has really saddened me this morning. It has made me hug my kids extra hard.
This could be any party, in any suburb, in any city, and any one's kid.
Living Without Regret
'...that I may finish my race with joy...' Acts 20:24 NKJV
This week has been a drainer. It really has. Yesterday morning Mr T phoned me and wanted to see me to give me back the things that i had left at his house. I didn't really want to see him. My face was puffy from crying, and i have not had much sleep this week - i looked like crap. I asked him if we could leave it until next week. I mean it is always nice to see an ex when you are looking your best right? I wanted to look nice when i saw him for the last time.
Our conversation carried on though, and eventually i agreed to meet with him. It took about all of 5 minutes before he blurted out to me that he had made a mistake, and wanted me back. This absolutely stunned me. I thought i was meeting with him to get my things and say goodbye.
We went out for coffee, and talked all day. I told him that if we did try again - this would be the last time. If he changes his mind again - i am walking and will never speak to him again. He will lose even my friendship, so he had better be certain. He said he was. He offered to phone Michaela in front of me and tell her. At first, that was what i wanted. I wanted to hear him tell this other woman that it was over with her, and why. I wanted to hear him tell her exactly what he had told me.
But then i thought about it. I needed to let him do that on his own. I don't want to be a controlling, or insecure person. So despite the fact that i feel like every time i leave him, he changes his mind - i left him, and trusted him to do the right thing. I didn't need to encroach on his privacy, or hers. As hard as it was to drive away...i did it.
He phoned me while i was still on my way home. She wanted to see him, and end things face to face. He phoned to tell me that he was going in to town to meet her, and that he would be back home in an hour or so. That was the most difficult hour imaginable. I wanted to tell him not to go, but i couldn't. That would have been wrong of me. So he went, and i tried to keep myself busy, and not think about what was going on between him and her during that hour. I needed to let him go do what he needed to do. I couldn't control the situation, so i tried not to think about it.
That meeting has hurt and upset me though. Not because of how it ended for me, but because i have had to sit and watch someone that i love struggle with the things that were said to him during that meeting. She hit him. I guess that was to be expected. I wish she had just hit him, and not opened up her crazy gob. The things that crazy woman said to him were more hurtful than any physical injuries that she could have caused him, and that makes me so angry.
You know what? It is ok to be angry. It is ok to be hurt. It is ok to feel betrayed...and it is even ok to not know how to deal with rejection...but is it, or was it ever love when you can bring yourself to purposely hurt someone with their own deepest thoughts, worries, and feelings that they have confided in you, just because something has come to an end?
I don't think it is. I don't think that could ever be called love.
Witnessing the effect that Michaela's words had on Mr T has been a huge reminder of just how powerful words are. It has reminded me of my pottery / relationship analogy that i have used in the past. You know - how every single harsh word we say in anger, and every word that we wish we could take back chips away at, and grinds our relationships down until they are dust, and can no longer even be glued back together.
Maybe i didn't need this reminder. Mr T and i still haven't argued. We still, after everything that has happened this week, have not uttered one harsh word towards each other.
I don't know what the future holds. I want to believe him when he tells me that he never wants to go through another break up again, so he is stuck with me. That will take time. I do know though, that whatever happens, i will always believe in him, and want him to remember that it is never too late to be who he might have been.
The Mr T saga lives to see another day. I am applying the three strikes and you're out rule.
Imagine your life is over and you're standing in front of a big DVD player. God inserts a disc with your name on it labelled: 'What might have been'. It details everything He wanted to accomplish through you: how He wanted to bless you financially, but you were afraid to sow into His Kingdom and be generous with others; how He wanted to use your gifts, but you lacked the discipline to develop them and the courage to use them; how He gave you great relationships, but you weren't truthful and loving enough to maintain them; how He longed to reproduce in you the character of Christ, but you refused to deal with your sin, resist temptation, and pursue spiritual growth.It is never too late to be who you might have been. That is a quote that i wish i had remembered while having a conversation with Mr T this morning. I wish i had said it to him.
John Greenleaf Whittier said, 'Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these - it might have been.' But there's a bright side. As long as you're still breathing, you can close the gap between what is and what can be. So stop and ask yourself, 'What can I do now to live without regrets later?' Here's what: start renewing your mind each day with God's Word instead of filling it with junk. Use your talents and your treasures to build His Kingdom instead of your own. If you do, you'll discover that God gives '...seed to the sower...' (2 Corinthians 9:10 NIV). The more seed you sow, the more seed God will give you. And how about making time to disciple somebody? That way your legacy will be greater than your lifespan.
It's not too late to become the person you might have been - if you're willing to start today.
This week has been a drainer. It really has. Yesterday morning Mr T phoned me and wanted to see me to give me back the things that i had left at his house. I didn't really want to see him. My face was puffy from crying, and i have not had much sleep this week - i looked like crap. I asked him if we could leave it until next week. I mean it is always nice to see an ex when you are looking your best right? I wanted to look nice when i saw him for the last time.
Our conversation carried on though, and eventually i agreed to meet with him. It took about all of 5 minutes before he blurted out to me that he had made a mistake, and wanted me back. This absolutely stunned me. I thought i was meeting with him to get my things and say goodbye.
We went out for coffee, and talked all day. I told him that if we did try again - this would be the last time. If he changes his mind again - i am walking and will never speak to him again. He will lose even my friendship, so he had better be certain. He said he was. He offered to phone Michaela in front of me and tell her. At first, that was what i wanted. I wanted to hear him tell this other woman that it was over with her, and why. I wanted to hear him tell her exactly what he had told me.
But then i thought about it. I needed to let him do that on his own. I don't want to be a controlling, or insecure person. So despite the fact that i feel like every time i leave him, he changes his mind - i left him, and trusted him to do the right thing. I didn't need to encroach on his privacy, or hers. As hard as it was to drive away...i did it.
He phoned me while i was still on my way home. She wanted to see him, and end things face to face. He phoned to tell me that he was going in to town to meet her, and that he would be back home in an hour or so. That was the most difficult hour imaginable. I wanted to tell him not to go, but i couldn't. That would have been wrong of me. So he went, and i tried to keep myself busy, and not think about what was going on between him and her during that hour. I needed to let him go do what he needed to do. I couldn't control the situation, so i tried not to think about it.
That meeting has hurt and upset me though. Not because of how it ended for me, but because i have had to sit and watch someone that i love struggle with the things that were said to him during that meeting. She hit him. I guess that was to be expected. I wish she had just hit him, and not opened up her crazy gob. The things that crazy woman said to him were more hurtful than any physical injuries that she could have caused him, and that makes me so angry.
You know what? It is ok to be angry. It is ok to be hurt. It is ok to feel betrayed...and it is even ok to not know how to deal with rejection...but is it, or was it ever love when you can bring yourself to purposely hurt someone with their own deepest thoughts, worries, and feelings that they have confided in you, just because something has come to an end?
I don't think it is. I don't think that could ever be called love.
Witnessing the effect that Michaela's words had on Mr T has been a huge reminder of just how powerful words are. It has reminded me of my pottery / relationship analogy that i have used in the past. You know - how every single harsh word we say in anger, and every word that we wish we could take back chips away at, and grinds our relationships down until they are dust, and can no longer even be glued back together.
Maybe i didn't need this reminder. Mr T and i still haven't argued. We still, after everything that has happened this week, have not uttered one harsh word towards each other.
I don't know what the future holds. I want to believe him when he tells me that he never wants to go through another break up again, so he is stuck with me. That will take time. I do know though, that whatever happens, i will always believe in him, and want him to remember that it is never too late to be who he might have been.
The Mr T saga lives to see another day. I am applying the three strikes and you're out rule.
July 29, 2011
Do You Know Why You Are Living?
Jesus knew exactly why He lived: 'For this reason I was born, and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth.' That's what He thought about, prayed about, planned for, worked towards, sacrificed for, died and rose again for, and finally accomplished. By fulfilling His destiny He changed the world for ever.
So, do you know your destiny? What are you doing to achieve it? 'We are created to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do' (Ephesians 2:10 NIV). Does that sound like a life of aimless wandering with no known destination? The Bible says, 'A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps' (Proverbs 16:9 NKJV). Plan well, but always stay open to God's direction.
'...All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be' (Psalm 139:16 NIV). God's plan for your life was set before you were a twinkle in your parents' eyes! If you fail to follow His path you'll miss His best for your life.
The Bible is full of examples of people who crashed and burned at some point. King Saul is a great example. Recalling it, David his successor prayed, first, 'I desire to do Your will...' (Psalm 40:8 NIV). Your desires are the driving force in life, so make sure they're in harmony with God. Secondly, he prayed, 'Teach me to do Your will...' (Psalm 143:10 NIV). When it comes to doing God's will, the Psalmist acknowledged he needed God's help. You do too.
I wish i knew what God's plan was for me. Working that one out is proving to be very confusing.
I haven't had much sleep. I sat here in bed playing on the laptop last night until my eyes were absolutely stinging, and my head felt like it was going to explode. I am feeling better though, after a few hours sleep. I guess that is better than nothing.
I am still just kind of sitting here in shock.
Last night i told Mr T that i cannot be "friends" and that i cannot have him in my life ever again. I told him that i still love him, and that i wish him happiness but that contact with him is just dragging this out. At first i thought i would be ok being "friends" but then i thought about it, and changed my mind. That is just not healthy for me.
He is selfish, and he lied to me the whole time i knew him. Then he threw the amazing thing that we had away, with no concern for the hurt that it would cause me, for a psycho woman that is going to make his life hell. Seriously - she stalked us the other night. She listened through the living room window to us talking and watching tv, then when we went to bed, she smashed her way into his house. He had to call the police in order to get her to leave. She absolutely terrified me to the point where i could not stop shaking and tried to squeeze under a bed to hide from her.
She is crazy. Absolutely bonkers. I wasn't going to write about how crazy she is, for fear of her turning up at his place again while i was there. Since i am never going to be at his place again, i no longer have that fear.
Honestly - this crap could only happen to me.
He went from phoning the police on this crazy woman, talking protection orders, and how he dodged a bullet to telling me that he is going to try again with her in the space of 24 hours.
He has told her that he met me at "rehab" ...what the heck? I have never been to rehab. I didn't need it. I recovered nicely all on my own, and that really annoys me that he has told her that. All she is getting is lies as well. I don't deserve to be lied about and made out to look like some kind of junkie.
He has said he is sorry. He shouldn't be sorry. He did me a favour. I would never want to be with someone who would make the choice that he has just made for the reasons that he made it, anyway. Nor would i ever want to be with someone and always be wondering if they were only with me by default, because some psycho had rejected him.
I wouldn't put up with "friends" treating me in this manner, and he is no exception. I wish him luck finding happiness - he sure as hell is going to need it. Contact with him, and dragging this out will do me no good though. I have enough friends, and i can't be here when this doesn't work out for him.
My ego will get over being traded in for a lunatic shortly. I say what we had was amazing - but it wasn't really. It was just lies.
It could be worse - I could be going to bed every night with someone that i didn't want to be with. That would make me a hooker. No thanks - I would rather be broke and homeless.
I will hold out for something a bit more special than that.
They say there are 5 stages to the grief cycle. Number two is anger. Number five is acceptance. I have never been one to do things the normal way. I did acceptance yesterday - today i am doing anger. I will skip denial, bargaining, and depression all together thanks.
I had always wondered why he kept telling me that he was not worthy of me. Now i know.
July 28, 2011
Nice bow
What was i thinking? Oh that's right - Madonna did it so it must have been cool.
Aren't hair straighteners the best inventions known to woman?
Yikes.
Aren't hair straighteners the best inventions known to woman?
Yikes.
 |
| Anni and I in 1985 |
It is 11:28 PM
I am tucked up nicely, all comfy in bed reading lovely emails, and messages on Facebook. My hot water bottle is keeping me warm, and i am just starting to think that my sore eyes might be ready to close - for like a week...
Then Jorgia advises me that there is no toilet paper in my house.
Please God - let this day end.
Then Jorgia advises me that there is no toilet paper in my house.
Please God - let this day end.
According to you
Just thought i would share this. Someone pretty cool sent it to me tonight to cheer me up. It amazes me where friendship, and support comes from when i need it the most.
Thanks Whale - if you aren't careful, people will start thinking you are actually a big softie. ;)
Emails from my lurkers always cheer me up no end as well.
I heart my lurkers. I guess they would get bored if i didn't have this stuff going on!
There is always a bright side.
Thanks Whale - if you aren't careful, people will start thinking you are actually a big softie. ;)
Emails from my lurkers always cheer me up no end as well.
I just read your latest entry about Mr T and I am so gutted for you.
I'm not religious at all,but I believe that someone or something out
there has great things in store for you,all of which will be worth
waiting for and that will make these bad situations worth it in the
end. You've already shown so much strength by accepting his decision
and not turning into a psycho woman who chases after him! He's let a
good thing go,maybe he realises that as hes making his decision,maybe
he'll realise a lot later.
Tomorrow is a new day,and an opportunity to start over and move on. I
sincerely hope its better than today.
I heart my lurkers. I guess they would get bored if i didn't have this stuff going on!
There is always a bright side.
Blessed
That is what i am. I really am.
I have the best friends in the world. I am richer in so many ways than most people can dream of being, and like someone pointed out to me yesterday, i am already loved by someone amazing, who will never take that love away.
I am blessed.
I have the best friends in the world. I am richer in so many ways than most people can dream of being, and like someone pointed out to me yesterday, i am already loved by someone amazing, who will never take that love away.
I am blessed.
Perspective
One of my oldest, and best friends in the world, who i have known since i first visited New Zealand, at the age of 14 - who i love with all of my heart, and who was with me through all of my firsts - i have just found out will not be with us much longer.
I have written about her before.
I love you Anni. I have to see you.
I have written about her before.
I love you Anni. I have to see you.
Back to square one - 2
I guess i am going to start numbering my "Back to square ones" as well.
I can't quite believe that i am having to write this after everything that i have been through over the last few days, and the time that MR T and i have spent together this week. I have never met anyone in my life, that i just couldn't imagine ever arguing with, until i met him. Even with all that has gone on this week, we never raised our voices...we never felt anger.
On Monday night we talked - a lot. On Tuesday night, we started over. I can't recall anything ever feeling so right before in my life. Maybe at some stage things had felt that right, but i don't think so. T and i had never argued. I had never had that before with anyone. Every second that we spent together was happy, and loving.
After the events of Tuesday night, i had no doubt in my mind about where things stood with us. I knew everything was going to be ok. I had never before felt like someone else made me whole, and i made them whole back.
I guess i was wrong.
I don't even know how to write about this. For once, i can't put into words how i am feeling. I wish things had just ended after Sunday night. I kind of wish that i had just not spoken to him again, because at that point i didn't feel heartbreak, sadness, or loss - i just felt deception. It was easy to move on. I didn't even cry, at the time.
Now, i can't stop the tears.
I guess he has decided to try to make things work with Michaela. This man that i adore, went from being a very successful professional who had everything that he wanted at his fingertips, to losing everything and being unemployed. He places more importance on getting back those things that he lost, and on money than i do these days. His priorities are different to mine. I want to work hard for everything that i have. I want to start over, and work hard so that everything i have is appreciated and i never forget to show gratitude. I recognise that things always came too easily to me my whole life, and that was why i found it so easy to not value them, and treat them with the love, respect and gratitude that i always should have shown. Mr T, i guess, prefers the fast track.
Part of me wishes i had lots of money right now, so that he would have made a different decision for him and his children. Part of me is glad that i have none - at least i know that whoever i do end up with will be with me because of who i am, on the inside, and not what i have or what i can offer them.
I am trying not to sit here and ask "Why me"...i am trying not to tell myself that nothing will ever work out for me. I am trying not to tell myself that it is never worth it, and that i will always just end up hurt. I am trying not to feel like i am going to grow old alone. I am trying to stop crying.
I think the hardest thing about all of this, is that we still haven't argued. Today's conversation still ended with - I love you.
I know that the decision that he has made is the wrong one. I think he knows that too. There is nothing that i can do to change his mind though. He has made his choice, and all i can do is accept that and walk away with what little dignity that i have left.
I wish i could feel hate, or anger towards him, but i can't. All i can feel for him right now is gratitude. He taught me something about myself that i had doubted. After Danny, i didn't think i would ever really love anyone again. Mr T showed me that was not true, and that is what i will always remember my Mr T for.
Mr T taught me that i still have it in me to love.
All i can do now is wish him happiness. And i do. I truly mean that.
And that my friends, is the end of the Mr T chapter of my life. They say things don't work out for a reason, and people will tell me that it just means there is someone better out there for me. I am looking forward to meeting that person because if he is going to be better than Mr T, and if it is going to be better than what we had together then it will be worth waiting for.
Thanks to my favourite big brother for taking me out for coffee this afternoon and trying to stop the tears. Sorry it didn't work!
So much for not being able to put my feelings into words. Huh?
I can't quite believe that i am having to write this after everything that i have been through over the last few days, and the time that MR T and i have spent together this week. I have never met anyone in my life, that i just couldn't imagine ever arguing with, until i met him. Even with all that has gone on this week, we never raised our voices...we never felt anger.
On Monday night we talked - a lot. On Tuesday night, we started over. I can't recall anything ever feeling so right before in my life. Maybe at some stage things had felt that right, but i don't think so. T and i had never argued. I had never had that before with anyone. Every second that we spent together was happy, and loving.
After the events of Tuesday night, i had no doubt in my mind about where things stood with us. I knew everything was going to be ok. I had never before felt like someone else made me whole, and i made them whole back.
I guess i was wrong.
I don't even know how to write about this. For once, i can't put into words how i am feeling. I wish things had just ended after Sunday night. I kind of wish that i had just not spoken to him again, because at that point i didn't feel heartbreak, sadness, or loss - i just felt deception. It was easy to move on. I didn't even cry, at the time.
Now, i can't stop the tears.
I guess he has decided to try to make things work with Michaela. This man that i adore, went from being a very successful professional who had everything that he wanted at his fingertips, to losing everything and being unemployed. He places more importance on getting back those things that he lost, and on money than i do these days. His priorities are different to mine. I want to work hard for everything that i have. I want to start over, and work hard so that everything i have is appreciated and i never forget to show gratitude. I recognise that things always came too easily to me my whole life, and that was why i found it so easy to not value them, and treat them with the love, respect and gratitude that i always should have shown. Mr T, i guess, prefers the fast track.
Part of me wishes i had lots of money right now, so that he would have made a different decision for him and his children. Part of me is glad that i have none - at least i know that whoever i do end up with will be with me because of who i am, on the inside, and not what i have or what i can offer them.
I am trying not to sit here and ask "Why me"...i am trying not to tell myself that nothing will ever work out for me. I am trying not to tell myself that it is never worth it, and that i will always just end up hurt. I am trying not to feel like i am going to grow old alone. I am trying to stop crying.
I think the hardest thing about all of this, is that we still haven't argued. Today's conversation still ended with - I love you.
I know that the decision that he has made is the wrong one. I think he knows that too. There is nothing that i can do to change his mind though. He has made his choice, and all i can do is accept that and walk away with what little dignity that i have left.
I wish i could feel hate, or anger towards him, but i can't. All i can feel for him right now is gratitude. He taught me something about myself that i had doubted. After Danny, i didn't think i would ever really love anyone again. Mr T showed me that was not true, and that is what i will always remember my Mr T for.
Mr T taught me that i still have it in me to love.
All i can do now is wish him happiness. And i do. I truly mean that.
And that my friends, is the end of the Mr T chapter of my life. They say things don't work out for a reason, and people will tell me that it just means there is someone better out there for me. I am looking forward to meeting that person because if he is going to be better than Mr T, and if it is going to be better than what we had together then it will be worth waiting for.
Thanks to my favourite big brother for taking me out for coffee this afternoon and trying to stop the tears. Sorry it didn't work!
So much for not being able to put my feelings into words. Huh?
Getting Out of a Spiritual Slump - 2
'Jacob set up a pillar in the place where He talked with [God]...' Genesis 35:14 NKJV
Other than that, my mind is pretty blank this morning. I had an early night last night. I needed to catch up on lost sleep.
I am full of really conflicting emotions at the moment. I am not a distrusting or insecure type of person. I never wondered what Mr T was up to if i didn't hear from him for a day or two, previously. I always just believed what he told me, without question.
That has now changed though, and i can see this being a big obstacle. I have not heard from him in nearly 24 hours. Normally that would not have been a problem with us. We often went that long without talking. When i didn't hear from him last night though, i sat here wondering what he was up to. Now that i have not heard from him this morning - that wondering is getting worse.
I cannot allow this situation to turn me into a distrusting, and insecure crazy female. I refuse to become one of those.
This is going to be a huge obstacle for us. I don't like not trusting him. At. All.
I am going to make a hair appointment. I have not been to the hairdresser since October. I think i need to do something to spoil myself today. Kind of a reward for getting so far with this interview process.
When you recall God's faithfulness to you it causes hope to rise in your soul. It enables you to face the future with confidence and say, '...He is the faithful God, keeping His covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who...keep His commands' (Deuteronomy 7:9 NIV).I have good news. I have made it through to the third interview for that job. I am excited about that.
Looking back and remembering is a Scriptural principle that works. 'Jacob set up a pillar in the place where He talked with [God]'; 'Joshua set up twelve stones that had been in the middle of the Jordan...' (Joshua 4:9 NIV); 'Samuel took a stone...set it up...and called [it]...Ebenezer, saying, '..."Thus far the Lord has helped us"' (1 Samuel 7:12 NKJV). The Bible says, 'No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God...will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but...will also provide the way out...' (1 Corinthians 10:13 NRS). Going back through Scripture and remembering the ups and downs of God's people and how He consistently came through for them, lends fresh perspective to your own situation and enables you to see a bigger picture.
In Psalm 22:2 NCV David starts out saying, 'God...I call to you...but you do not answer.' But as soon as he starts remembering God's faithfulness he does a 180-degree turn around and says, 'Our ancestors trusted you...and you saved them. They called to you for help and...were not disappointed' (Psalm 22:4-5 NCV).
When you're in a spiritual free fall, stop dwelling on yourself and your disappointment and begin to focus on God. '...Not one word has failed of all the good promises He gave...' (1 Kings 8:56 NIV). He's still the same; He hasn't changed.
Other than that, my mind is pretty blank this morning. I had an early night last night. I needed to catch up on lost sleep.
I am full of really conflicting emotions at the moment. I am not a distrusting or insecure type of person. I never wondered what Mr T was up to if i didn't hear from him for a day or two, previously. I always just believed what he told me, without question.
That has now changed though, and i can see this being a big obstacle. I have not heard from him in nearly 24 hours. Normally that would not have been a problem with us. We often went that long without talking. When i didn't hear from him last night though, i sat here wondering what he was up to. Now that i have not heard from him this morning - that wondering is getting worse.
I cannot allow this situation to turn me into a distrusting, and insecure crazy female. I refuse to become one of those.
This is going to be a huge obstacle for us. I don't like not trusting him. At. All.
I am going to make a hair appointment. I have not been to the hairdresser since October. I think i need to do something to spoil myself today. Kind of a reward for getting so far with this interview process.
July 27, 2011
Getting Out of a Spiritual Slump - 1
'As soon as they began singing...' 2 Chronicles 20:22 CEV
Hmmmm. Right now i am praising God that i was not the victim of some weirdo love triangle knife attack or something last night.
Mr T and i have done a lot of talking over the last 48 hours. I know he is now being honest with me. I understand the situation that he had found himself in, and we have decided to start over. I was really happy to hear from a lovely lady that i know, who understands how i feel and why i have made the decision that i have made...she said something like this to me on email when she was offering me advice;
I was really happy to hear that at least one person, a person whose opinion i value and respect, doesn't think i am crazy or making a huge mistake. Anyway - moving on.
We had a lovely evening together last night. We went to a movie. I have never been to one of those arty farty film festival movies before. I really enjoyed it. We went to see a really scary one called 'Kill List' ...if you like scary / suspenseful movies you should totally see it. It gave me the creeps.
It didn't though, give me the creeps as much as what happened next. I wrote it all out, and was going to tell everyone the scary way that my evening ended last night, but upon reflection, i think it is best if i just let your imaginations do some work for once.
I have come to the conclusion though, that i am just not meant to have a boring life.
Here's a simple but effective formula for handling a spiritual slump. Praise your way out! David starts Psalm 22 by asking, 'God, why have You forsaken me?' and goes on, '...You...dwell...[where]...praises...[are offered]' (Psalm 22:3 AMP). You won't always feel like praising God - that's why it's called '...the sacrifice of praise...' (Hebrews 13:15 NKJV). But when you're in a slump you need the discipline of praise more than ever. It brings a sense of God's power and presence like nothing else does. That's why the Psalmist wrote, 'I will bless the Lord at all times: His praise shall continually be in my mouth' (Psalm 34:1 NKJV).
By praising God in advance for the victory, you open a channel for Him to intervene in your circumstances, hope rises in your soul, and it's impossible to stay down and defeated. And praise fits every personality, so you've no excuse! You can clap and shout (Psalm 47:1), use music and dance (Psalm 150:4), sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs (Ephesians 5:19), make a joyful noise (Psalm 98:4), lift your hands (Psalm 134:2), be still and silent before God (Psalm 4:4), you can kneel (Psalm 95:6) and you can even be loud (Psalm 33:3)! Your praises thwart the enemy's best-laid plan! When the Israelites were outnumbered, they prayed and God told them the battle was His and that He would do the fighting. Judah (which means 'praise') went out ahead of the army, and 'As soon as they began singing, the Lord confused the enemy...and...they turned against each other'.
The minute you start praising God He releases His power to start working on your behalf.
Hmmmm. Right now i am praising God that i was not the victim of some weirdo love triangle knife attack or something last night.
Mr T and i have done a lot of talking over the last 48 hours. I know he is now being honest with me. I understand the situation that he had found himself in, and we have decided to start over. I was really happy to hear from a lovely lady that i know, who understands how i feel and why i have made the decision that i have made...she said something like this to me on email when she was offering me advice;
I can see your dilemma! If it were me, (I'm a softy where love is concerned, but also a lot like you, got to take a firm line sometimes) I'd be giving him a second chance, very understandable what he's been going through - and with you two being a new relationship, it's human nature to just see how it goes, and hope for the best.
I was really happy to hear that at least one person, a person whose opinion i value and respect, doesn't think i am crazy or making a huge mistake. Anyway - moving on.
We had a lovely evening together last night. We went to a movie. I have never been to one of those arty farty film festival movies before. I really enjoyed it. We went to see a really scary one called 'Kill List' ...if you like scary / suspenseful movies you should totally see it. It gave me the creeps.
It didn't though, give me the creeps as much as what happened next. I wrote it all out, and was going to tell everyone the scary way that my evening ended last night, but upon reflection, i think it is best if i just let your imaginations do some work for once.
I have come to the conclusion though, that i am just not meant to have a boring life.
July 26, 2011
Today went super well
I am feeling really positive about most things right now.
Despite the events of that last couple of days, i am feeling really focused. I was very conscious not to lose sight of how important the positive changes that i have motivated myself to make are. I did not want to lose that motivation.
I knew i would want to just stay in bed this morning, if i let myself think about stuff too much.
I am glad that i didn't. Having other things to focus on has been a huge blessing.
One of my best friends and I were just laughing and wondering when the bad karma from all the bad things we did as kids, is going to run out. At some stage we should have both paid the price for our naughty times.
WHEN???
Despite the events of that last couple of days, i am feeling really focused. I was very conscious not to lose sight of how important the positive changes that i have motivated myself to make are. I did not want to lose that motivation.
I knew i would want to just stay in bed this morning, if i let myself think about stuff too much.
I am glad that i didn't. Having other things to focus on has been a huge blessing.
One of my best friends and I were just laughing and wondering when the bad karma from all the bad things we did as kids, is going to run out. At some stage we should have both paid the price for our naughty times.
WHEN???
Tell 'The Whole Truth'
'...we will hold to the truth in love...' Ephesians 4:15 NLT
I love it. I hope Mr T reads that. I know for a fact that like a lot of you, when he reads my blog, he skips through a lot of the Bible stuff.
Anyway, i don't have much time to write this morning. I have to be in town for that job interview in two hours, and Jorgia has to be dropped off at a birthday party before that. I have slept in, after missing a night's worth of sleep on Sunday night, so i am already stressed and rushed this morning.
A lot has emerged over the past 24 hours regarding the Mr T saga. He spent most of yesterday trying to get in touch with me, and being told by the girls that i was 'asleep' every time he phoned. He kept trying though, and eventually i replied to a text message from him. I told him to leave me alone, that i would not name him on the blog, and that i still wished him happiness.
I had figured that the only reason he was worried about me, or wanted to speak to me was out of concern for being named on here - which i was not going to do. I genuinely did not want to hurt him back.
It turns out that he didn't really care about that, but that he did care about me. We have now spoken. In fact we spent nearly 2 hours on the phone, and then i agreed to see him. We have done a lot of HONEST talking.
I don't really know how to write about what has happened over the last couple of days now, and for the sake of other, innocent peoples' privacy, i just can't really. I don't really know how to explain to anyone that reads this or cares about me, how, why, or what reasons that i might have for forgiving him, and giving him another chance. There is so much that i just can't talk about on here because it involves other people.
I really care about that man. I know special when i experience it, and what we had / have is special. After what i went through with Danny, and after the lies that i told him, i guess i have a bit more of an understanding of how someone could get themselves into a situation where they just CAN'T tell the truth no matter how much they want to yet still love the person that they are lying to with all of their heart.
I don't know. It is really hard to explain without giving details. I believe him when he tells me that things are now over with Michaela. I believe him when he tells me the reason why this has all happened. I believe him when he tells me how sorry he is, and i believe him when he says he doesn't want to lose me. I understand the situation that he was in, and why he did what he did.
That is about all i can say about the situation right now, for lack of time, i guess. I know most of you will think i am crazy, but i guess only time will tell or prove you wrong. I promise not to moan too much if this backfires on me, and i will even hand out "I told you sos" for you to all give back to me, in the event of an emergency.
Whatever happens, i am not going to lose the motivation that i had last week for change. Job interview, and house hunting time - with maybe another sleep in between. Gosh, i am still so tired today.
A teenager who'd just obtained his driver's licence told his parents he was meeting his friends at a local restaurant. But this particular restaurant had several locations and his friends were at one 100 km away. They say, 'What you don't expose will expose you.' Unfortunately, his parents went shopping in that area the same evening. Imagine his thoughts when he stopped at an intersection, looked over, and saw his mum giving him that 'look' parents reserve for the worst offences!
We need to set '...forth the truth plainly [so] we commend ourselves to every...conscience in the sight of God' (2 Corinthians 4:2 NIV); speak the plain, unembellished truth, so people know '...there is nothing written between the lines...' (2 Corinthians 1:13 NLT). There are statements we instinctively disbelieve, like: 'The cheque is in the post... the puppy won't be any trouble... I won't tell anybody.' Then there are '...lies so clever they sound like the truth' (Ephesians 4:14 NLT). For example, we want to be the good guy, so we leave out information that might put us in a bad light. Or to avoid upsetting somebody we stretch the truth.
One Bible teacher writes, 'Solving problems in a relationship is one of the most important skills you'll ever learn. It makes for a successful family life, career, education, and social life. Unless we have these skills we'll never be truly happy. When you have a problem with someone, state it in a gentle, positive way. If you don't start right you'll have little hope of ending right.' So, '...hold to the truth in love'.
I love it. I hope Mr T reads that. I know for a fact that like a lot of you, when he reads my blog, he skips through a lot of the Bible stuff.
Anyway, i don't have much time to write this morning. I have to be in town for that job interview in two hours, and Jorgia has to be dropped off at a birthday party before that. I have slept in, after missing a night's worth of sleep on Sunday night, so i am already stressed and rushed this morning.
A lot has emerged over the past 24 hours regarding the Mr T saga. He spent most of yesterday trying to get in touch with me, and being told by the girls that i was 'asleep' every time he phoned. He kept trying though, and eventually i replied to a text message from him. I told him to leave me alone, that i would not name him on the blog, and that i still wished him happiness.
I had figured that the only reason he was worried about me, or wanted to speak to me was out of concern for being named on here - which i was not going to do. I genuinely did not want to hurt him back.
It turns out that he didn't really care about that, but that he did care about me. We have now spoken. In fact we spent nearly 2 hours on the phone, and then i agreed to see him. We have done a lot of HONEST talking.
I don't really know how to write about what has happened over the last couple of days now, and for the sake of other, innocent peoples' privacy, i just can't really. I don't really know how to explain to anyone that reads this or cares about me, how, why, or what reasons that i might have for forgiving him, and giving him another chance. There is so much that i just can't talk about on here because it involves other people.
I really care about that man. I know special when i experience it, and what we had / have is special. After what i went through with Danny, and after the lies that i told him, i guess i have a bit more of an understanding of how someone could get themselves into a situation where they just CAN'T tell the truth no matter how much they want to yet still love the person that they are lying to with all of their heart.
I don't know. It is really hard to explain without giving details. I believe him when he tells me that things are now over with Michaela. I believe him when he tells me the reason why this has all happened. I believe him when he tells me how sorry he is, and i believe him when he says he doesn't want to lose me. I understand the situation that he was in, and why he did what he did.
That is about all i can say about the situation right now, for lack of time, i guess. I know most of you will think i am crazy, but i guess only time will tell or prove you wrong. I promise not to moan too much if this backfires on me, and i will even hand out "I told you sos" for you to all give back to me, in the event of an emergency.
Whatever happens, i am not going to lose the motivation that i had last week for change. Job interview, and house hunting time - with maybe another sleep in between. Gosh, i am still so tired today.
July 25, 2011
Use Your Time Wisely
'Making the most of your time...' Ephesians 5:16 NAS
I am going to get myself some much needed sleep.
I'm ok. Or i will be anyway.
Jorgia just came into my room and gave me the biggest hug, told me that she loved me, and that she didn't see it coming either - and she is the best judge of character out of all of my children. She really liked Mr T. I don't feel quite as stupid now, and that hug from her almost made this worth it.
I am going to sleep, and hopefully will wake up with forgiveness inside me.
If you're wise you'll stop frequently and think about how you're spending your time.
Charles Swindoll writes, 'In a book I read, The Time Trap, I came upon a list of the most popular time wasters. It helped to pinpoint some specific areas of inefficiency I must watch. Who hasn't heard the true story of Charles M. Schwab and Ivy Lee? Schwab was president of Bethlehem Steel. Lee, a consultant, was given the unusual challenge, "Show me a way to get more things done with my time." Schwab agreed to pay him "anything within reason" if Lee's suggestions worked. Lee later handed the executive a sheet of paper with the plan: "Write down the most important tasks you have to do tomorrow. Number them in order of importance. When you arrive in the morning, begin at once on number one and stay on it until it is completed. Recheck your priorities, then begin with number two, then number three. Make this a habit every working day. Pass it on to those under you. Try it as long as you like, then send me your cheque for what you think it's worth."' That one idea turned Bethlehem Steel Corporation into the biggest independent steel producer in the world within five years. How much did Schwab pay his consultant? Several weeks after he received the note, he sent Lee a cheque for $25,000, admitting it was the most profitable lesson he had ever learned. Try it for yourself. If it works, great. But don't send me any money for the idea. I'd just blow it on another time-management book...which I don't have time to read.'
I am going to get myself some much needed sleep.
I'm ok. Or i will be anyway.
Jorgia just came into my room and gave me the biggest hug, told me that she loved me, and that she didn't see it coming either - and she is the best judge of character out of all of my children. She really liked Mr T. I don't feel quite as stupid now, and that hug from her almost made this worth it.
I am going to sleep, and hopefully will wake up with forgiveness inside me.
Finally - I have a friend that is awake!
and sent me this...
That reminds me of my old friend The Whale's advice - NFWAB - NEVER f*ck with a blogger.
I think that is one of the reasons i trusted Mr T so much. He is so horrified and hindered by what is already found in google when you search his name, and i only met him because he contacted me after reading my blog, so i figured he would never do anything bad to me for fear of being named and shamed on here, and having even more end up in google about him.
I have to be honest - i have been tempted to name him and provide links to the stories in the media about him. The only thing stopping me is just how stupid i look actually falling for someone like him. I don't feel like being inundated with emails asking me if i have an extra chromosome today.
Crazy stuff.
That reminds me of my old friend The Whale's advice - NFWAB - NEVER f*ck with a blogger.
I think that is one of the reasons i trusted Mr T so much. He is so horrified and hindered by what is already found in google when you search his name, and i only met him because he contacted me after reading my blog, so i figured he would never do anything bad to me for fear of being named and shamed on here, and having even more end up in google about him.
I have to be honest - i have been tempted to name him and provide links to the stories in the media about him. The only thing stopping me is just how stupid i look actually falling for someone like him. I don't feel like being inundated with emails asking me if i have an extra chromosome today.
Crazy stuff.
It's been awhile
Since i got into my car and just drove, with no particular place to go. In fact, i have not driven my car in the middle of the night since i was so heartbroken over Danny. I used to just drive around all night back then. That was about the only time that i left my apartment.
I wish it was not 3am. I wish i had someone to talk to right now. I wish i could cry even. I mustered one pathetic tear while i was driving from Mr T's place, to the home of the woman whose house he is at tonight. That was all i could manage. ONE TEAR. I don't know why i drove there. I guess i just wanted to see his car there, for myself. His car was parked outside her house. I would be lying if i said that i was not tempted to slash a few tyres - but i didn't. I just kept driving and came back home.
Her name is Michaela. I guess he met her on NZ Dating. Shock horror. Why does that not surprise me? I guess she is suspicious of him as well - she had quizzed him about not replying to her texts on nights that him and i were together. I feel sorry for her. I could tell from their conversations that like me, she is a good person who wants to help him, and is excited by what she thinks she has found with him.
I guess on those nights that he has been "depressed" and didn't want me to see him so down, he has been with her. I guess tonight was one of those nights - every Sunday has most likely been one of those nights.
I guess every time he told me that he was going to the movies with his old friend, Daria - he was really going to the movies with Michaela. I guess when he told me he was staying the night at Daria's with his kids, because of the renovations that were being done on his bathroom - he was really staying at Michaela's.
I guess this Michaela has money, and gives it to him. I guess he needs her money. I guess he needed what little i had too.
I guess he has a history of this kind of behaviour, but i chose to believe him when he told me that he loved me, and that he wanted to be the one that would never hurt me. I guess i wanted to believe that people really do change, and that our pasts should not define us. I wanted to believe that just like i am, he too is a different person than the one that had horrible things written about him in the media.
I don't want to be a person that doesn't believe that others can change. I wanted to trust and believe that he was not the same person that he used to be. I guess i wanted that too much. I guess i ignored my gut just a little too long, because i want to think that no one would judge me because of my past, so i wanted to do the same for him.
I was wrong. I should have judged him because of his past. I should not have believed that just because i am a different person now, that he is too. I should have listened to all of my friends who warned me off him when i told them who he is.
I hope he is sleeping well tonight. He is probably going to have a bad day tomorrow, so he probably needs it.
I'm so stupid. Honestly - i just. give. up. It is never worth it, in the end.
I thought i loved that guy. I thought we could keep fixing our lives together. I am struggling to believe that this amazing thing that we had when we were together was fake. I am again asking myself if we ever really, truly know another person.
Tomorrow will be a better day. I have survived far worse than this. I am not the first, and i won't be the last that this kind of crap happens to. It happens every day. To people everywhere. This is nothing more than one of those "Why me???" times that one day, i will understand.
Maybe i can't muster tears because i don't really feel like i have lost anything. Maybe i am grateful and feel blessed to have found out what he is really like.
Who knows. Right now though - i don't understand any of this - but at least i still have Rob.
I wish it was not 3am. I wish i had someone to talk to right now. I wish i could cry even. I mustered one pathetic tear while i was driving from Mr T's place, to the home of the woman whose house he is at tonight. That was all i could manage. ONE TEAR. I don't know why i drove there. I guess i just wanted to see his car there, for myself. His car was parked outside her house. I would be lying if i said that i was not tempted to slash a few tyres - but i didn't. I just kept driving and came back home.
Her name is Michaela. I guess he met her on NZ Dating. Shock horror. Why does that not surprise me? I guess she is suspicious of him as well - she had quizzed him about not replying to her texts on nights that him and i were together. I feel sorry for her. I could tell from their conversations that like me, she is a good person who wants to help him, and is excited by what she thinks she has found with him.
I guess on those nights that he has been "depressed" and didn't want me to see him so down, he has been with her. I guess tonight was one of those nights - every Sunday has most likely been one of those nights.
I guess every time he told me that he was going to the movies with his old friend, Daria - he was really going to the movies with Michaela. I guess when he told me he was staying the night at Daria's with his kids, because of the renovations that were being done on his bathroom - he was really staying at Michaela's.
I guess this Michaela has money, and gives it to him. I guess he needs her money. I guess he needed what little i had too.
I guess he has a history of this kind of behaviour, but i chose to believe him when he told me that he loved me, and that he wanted to be the one that would never hurt me. I guess i wanted to believe that people really do change, and that our pasts should not define us. I wanted to believe that just like i am, he too is a different person than the one that had horrible things written about him in the media.
I don't want to be a person that doesn't believe that others can change. I wanted to trust and believe that he was not the same person that he used to be. I guess i wanted that too much. I guess i ignored my gut just a little too long, because i want to think that no one would judge me because of my past, so i wanted to do the same for him.
I was wrong. I should have judged him because of his past. I should not have believed that just because i am a different person now, that he is too. I should have listened to all of my friends who warned me off him when i told them who he is.
I hope he is sleeping well tonight. He is probably going to have a bad day tomorrow, so he probably needs it.
I'm so stupid. Honestly - i just. give. up. It is never worth it, in the end.
I thought i loved that guy. I thought we could keep fixing our lives together. I am struggling to believe that this amazing thing that we had when we were together was fake. I am again asking myself if we ever really, truly know another person.
Tomorrow will be a better day. I have survived far worse than this. I am not the first, and i won't be the last that this kind of crap happens to. It happens every day. To people everywhere. This is nothing more than one of those "Why me???" times that one day, i will understand.
Maybe i can't muster tears because i don't really feel like i have lost anything. Maybe i am grateful and feel blessed to have found out what he is really like.
Who knows. Right now though - i don't understand any of this - but at least i still have Rob.
July 24, 2011
Back to square one
No more Mr T.
I can't even be bothered writing about what i just did, and what i found out. I will just say that my gut was screaming at me to snoop. So i did, and i am glad i did.
I am just numb. I can't even bring myself to cry.
He had me fooled. Not entirely though, or i would not have finally been unable to resist the urge to snoop, i guess.
I am hurt, sad, so disappointed, shocked, gutted...but most of all i just feel sick. I feel like vomiting. I feel like i am so stupid for being so trusting of someone with such a dark past. I believed in him, that he had changed - like i have. That was stupid of me. So stupid.
I just feel sick.
Maybe i will elaborate tomorrow. Maybe i won't. Either way Mr T is history.
I hope he is happy with himself. I am sure that he is, because he sure as hell is not depressed.
Every single word he said to me was a lie.
I can't even be bothered writing about what i just did, and what i found out. I will just say that my gut was screaming at me to snoop. So i did, and i am glad i did.
I am just numb. I can't even bring myself to cry.
He had me fooled. Not entirely though, or i would not have finally been unable to resist the urge to snoop, i guess.
I am hurt, sad, so disappointed, shocked, gutted...but most of all i just feel sick. I feel like vomiting. I feel like i am so stupid for being so trusting of someone with such a dark past. I believed in him, that he had changed - like i have. That was stupid of me. So stupid.
I just feel sick.
Maybe i will elaborate tomorrow. Maybe i won't. Either way Mr T is history.
I hope he is happy with himself. I am sure that he is, because he sure as hell is not depressed.
Every single word he said to me was a lie.
'Lord, Help Us to See'
'...think of what you were when you were called...' 1 Corinthians 1:26 NIV
Help me to move is more like it today. I am having one of those days where just getting out of bed is a mission. I don't have these days all that often anymore. Every day used to be like this. Still - they are not much fun.
I had better get moving though. I have my Sunday night cheerer upper to catch up over a wine with in Howick tonight.
Last week's topic of conversation was mostly Mr T. This week's topic will no doubt be the woman that my new friend met off that awful NZ Dating website this week. He met this teacher right? Teacher - you would think one would be safe with a teacher right? I mean they are responsible for our children's education. We leave our children with them for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, one would hope that most of them are well adjusted human beings right?
Ahhhh not if they are on NZ Dating! They only met last week, and he spent 4 nights with her the first week that he knew her. On Friday when he was supposed to meet a female work colleague for a bit of a boozy lunch, the teacher did her nut at him and accused him of it being more than just a friendly lunch. This caused him to end up cancelling his lunch with his friend...and now her children are away for the last week of the school holidays and she is asking him to take time off work to spend it with her because she is at a "loose end."
WHAT THE HECK??? They have known each other ONE WEEK. All i could do when he was telling me all of this is imagine how my Mr T would cope with a woman like that!?!?! My Mr T would be in the looney bin by now if i was like that.
My advice to him? Tell her that you are going out for a drink tonight with your favourite former crack ho. See how well that goes down! ;)
Speaking of Mr T...i am kind of missing him at the moment. It's nice to miss him though. It is nice to have someone to miss, but know they are still there.
Anyway - one of these days people will listen to me when i say NZ Dating - Do NOT go there.
Right, i better get dinner under way, and get myself out of these jammies for a few hours. I don't think my friend or the staff at Basalt would think i look so hot in my flannels with my sheepskin rug on top of my head.
Jesus didn't see people as losers, but as potential winners who'd lost their way. He '...was moved with compassion for them...' (Mark 6:34 NKJV). He saw them through God's eyes: not weeds, but potential roses. And His perspective, which is often different from ours, brought out the best in them.
Where others saw a woman with five failed marriages, He saw a restored sinner who could reach others in Samaria. They saw a blind man; He envisioned someone who could see. They saw a cripple; He pictured a man picking up his mat and walking away. They saw Matthew as a reviled tax collector; He saw a future disciple. They dismissed Zacchaeus as a crook; Jesus recognised a searching heart. When His disciples saw costly perfume and unnecessary expense, Jesus recognised the sacrifice of a grateful heart. Others saw an impulsive fisherman; Jesus saw a leader who could build His church. Onlookers watched Roman soldiers mocking as they pounded nails into human flesh; Jesus saw blind men who didn't know what they were doing. 'Lord, help us to see!' Paul says, '...think of what you were when you were called. Not many...were wise by human standards; not many were influential...[or] of noble birth' (1 Corinthians 1:26 NIV).
Face it, you weren't so wonderful before God turned you around, so stop judging others from your limited perspective and try to see them as God saw you. Work to bring out the best in them. Introduce them to the One who came to bring '...great joy to all the people' (Luke 2:10 NCV) - no exceptions!
Help me to move is more like it today. I am having one of those days where just getting out of bed is a mission. I don't have these days all that often anymore. Every day used to be like this. Still - they are not much fun.
I had better get moving though. I have my Sunday night cheerer upper to catch up over a wine with in Howick tonight.
Last week's topic of conversation was mostly Mr T. This week's topic will no doubt be the woman that my new friend met off that awful NZ Dating website this week. He met this teacher right? Teacher - you would think one would be safe with a teacher right? I mean they are responsible for our children's education. We leave our children with them for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, one would hope that most of them are well adjusted human beings right?
Ahhhh not if they are on NZ Dating! They only met last week, and he spent 4 nights with her the first week that he knew her. On Friday when he was supposed to meet a female work colleague for a bit of a boozy lunch, the teacher did her nut at him and accused him of it being more than just a friendly lunch. This caused him to end up cancelling his lunch with his friend...and now her children are away for the last week of the school holidays and she is asking him to take time off work to spend it with her because she is at a "loose end."
WHAT THE HECK??? They have known each other ONE WEEK. All i could do when he was telling me all of this is imagine how my Mr T would cope with a woman like that!?!?! My Mr T would be in the looney bin by now if i was like that.
My advice to him? Tell her that you are going out for a drink tonight with your favourite former crack ho. See how well that goes down! ;)
Speaking of Mr T...i am kind of missing him at the moment. It's nice to miss him though. It is nice to have someone to miss, but know they are still there.
Anyway - one of these days people will listen to me when i say NZ Dating - Do NOT go there.
Right, i better get dinner under way, and get myself out of these jammies for a few hours. I don't think my friend or the staff at Basalt would think i look so hot in my flannels with my sheepskin rug on top of my head.
Amy Winehouse's Death - Is that a surprise to anyone?
I have woken up to the news of Amy Wineshouse's death. I have never been a fan of hers. Quite the opposite actually. I have written several times about how appalling i thought her behaviour was, and how i wished she would just go away.
I have called her a train wreck, a one hit wonder that won't go away, and the ugliest woman on the planet, so i am not going to sit here and pretend to be surprised, or even sad regarding her demise - there are enough other people out there writing that kind of thing right now.
As recently as June this year, Amy was told that she needed to stop drinking, and taking drugs or she was going to end up dead.
Amy Winehouse has been told to quit drinking or die.
The 27-year-old singer - who has a history of drug and alcohol abuse - checked in to London's The Priory clinic last week and has reportedly been warned by doctors that she won't have long to live if she doesn't dramatically change her lifestyle.
A source said: "It's the last chance saloon for Amy. Doctors have come down hard on her because of the severity of her situation. It's a harsh reality but she had to hear it."
She obviously didn't listen.
Amy had so many chances. She had so many people and family that were there to help and support her. She had so many stints in rehab that even she, probably lost count of them. The record companies kept waiting for her to get her act together. She had how many cancelled tours and shows? Yet people were still there waiting for her to do something amazing again. She had money, she had men, she had friends, she had family, and she had talent.
Perhaps the one thing that she really needed, that probably would have saved her life, was rock bottom. She didn't really have what she knew was her last chance. She didn't have a realisation that she had lost everything that she loved, or that meant anything to her. She was not alone - no one abandoned her. She didn't get to a point where she really believed that she was going to end up dead, or in prison.
Had she just once, lost something that meant the world to her, and had it taken everything that she had in her to get it back, she might have appreciated life, and treated it and herself with the respect that is shown by someone for something when they have worked hard for it.
Sometimes the most difficult things in life, the things that we don't understand, and ask ourselves why they are happening to us, or what we ever did to deserve this, end up being the hugest blessings.
Amy needed that kind of blessing, and it never came. I hope she is in a happier place.
July 23, 2011
Nothing Is Sacred In The Blogosphere
This evening this has been proven to me.
Norway has just suffered an awful tragedy. What is the first thing that our Prime Minister does - before he even has all of the facts? John Key announces that no country is safe from 'Global terrorism" and uses the Norwegian tragedy as an excuse, or reason to support New Zealand keeping soldiers in Afghanistan. Our Prime Minister uses this tragedy to suit his agenda.
The red team over at The Standard choose to jump all over that and attack John Key via a blog posting titled Key’s sickening opportunism over Norway attacks. The red team uses this tragedy to suit their agenda.
Never ones to just allow something to slide, out of you know, maybe respect for all the dead people and stuff, the blue team responds with "Sickening opportunism" goes both ways. The blue team uses this tragedy to suit their agenda.
I am honestly disgusted. No wonder so many people that i hear from, and have spoken to lately tell me that they have stopped reading all of the political blogs.
UN. Believe. ABLE.
Norway has just suffered an awful tragedy. What is the first thing that our Prime Minister does - before he even has all of the facts? John Key announces that no country is safe from 'Global terrorism" and uses the Norwegian tragedy as an excuse, or reason to support New Zealand keeping soldiers in Afghanistan. Our Prime Minister uses this tragedy to suit his agenda.
The red team over at The Standard choose to jump all over that and attack John Key via a blog posting titled Key’s sickening opportunism over Norway attacks. The red team uses this tragedy to suit their agenda.
Never ones to just allow something to slide, out of you know, maybe respect for all the dead people and stuff, the blue team responds with "Sickening opportunism" goes both ways. The blue team uses this tragedy to suit their agenda.
I am honestly disgusted. No wonder so many people that i hear from, and have spoken to lately tell me that they have stopped reading all of the political blogs.
UN. Believe. ABLE.
I Love This
Many thanks to the lovely person who emailed this to me today.
I love it, so it just has to be shared.
“If you are never scared, embarrassed, or hurt, it means you never take chances.” -Julia Soul
I love it, so it just has to be shared.
“If you are never scared, embarrassed, or hurt, it means you never take chances.” -Julia Soul
If you think you may have made mistakes, you are probably on the right track. That means you’re doing things even though you’re not perfect at them, which is the only way to learn and grow.
If you think you may have looked stupid, you are probably on the right track. That means you’re letting yourself be vulnerable, which is the only way to fully experience something new.
If you think you may have said the wrong thing, you are probably on the right track. That means you’re talking to people you don’t feel completely comfortable around, which opens you up to new relationships and possibilities.
If you think you may have failed, you are probably on the right track. That means you put yourself out there, instead of waiting for the perfect time, which doesn’t actually exist.
If you think you may have blown your one opportunity, you are probably wrong.
This is what keeps us from taking risks: the fear that we may somehow suffer for trying and doing poorly. Not just that we’ll experience uncomfortable feelings, but that we’ll ruin our only chance.
We’ll have countless chances in our lives, if we’re willing to take them. We’ll have limitless possibilities to seize, if we remember all those uncomfortable feelings are worth the possible rewards.
Today if you find you feel scared, embarrassed, hurt, or vulnerable, remember: feelings eventually fade, but what you create in spite of them can change your life forever.
Do You Need Direction?
'The Lord watches over the path of the godly...' Psalm 1:6 NLT
I have always stated that i do not agree with the ideas, opinions, and almost cult like teachings of organisations such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. There are several reasons for this;
A - When i first decided to change my life surrounding myself with a bunch of other addicts seemed like a ridiculous idea. How could forming more friendships, and relationships with people who had the exact same problem that i had, who had the potential to fall, or relapse, and drag me down with them be a smart move? After the lengths that i went to in order to disassociate myself from everyone and anyone that i associated with my past, and my addiction, that just seemed like a ludicrous idea.
B - From what i understand they teach a lack of personal responsibility for addictions. They treat it as a disease that cannot be helped. They state that addicts are not personally responsible for their addictions, but that they are responsible for their recovery. What a load of bollocks that is - in my humble opinion anyway. I didn't or don't have a disease - other than the stupidity that i suffered from the first time i chose to take that pipe from the person who was handing it to me. I had a choice. I made the wrong one. That is not a disease, and that is not something that i had no control over, or wasn't responsible for.
C - They seem to preach a "Once an addict, always an addict" mentality. They seem to think that relapsing is ok, and to just keep trying again. I guess for some people, that mentality might work. I don't know. I have never relapsed. I can imagine that if i had, then it would have been nice to hear that it is ok to do that, and be encouraged to start all over again rather than feeling hopeless and just plunging head first back to where i had been. To me though, it was healthier to not accept that the prospect of failure was ok in the first place. Problem solved. To me it was healthier to know that if i ever looked back, i would end up in prison or dead and that i quite possibly would not make it back if i made that choice therefore that was not an ok choice to make. The end.
I could probably go on and on regarding all of the reasons that i never involved myself with this organisation while i was getting better, but those are the top three reasons why i didn't. I am sure that you have worked out by now, that my Mr T was also once a P addict. He also made terrible choices and mistakes that he has paid dearly for. He is also still fixing his life. Just like i am. We have had so many similar experiences, but we also have lots of differences. He recovered in a different way than i did, and chose to involve himself with NA. I guess the first month that he was getting better, he sometimes attended more than one meeting a day! He doesn't go very often these days, but last night i mentioned that one of these days i wanted to go to one, just to see what they were all about - so Mr T took me to one.
Talk about a hot date! If someone had told me ten years ago, that my idea of an exciting and fun Friday night would be attending a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, i would have asked them what kind of drugs they were on. I had the best night that i have had in ages though. What an eye opener.
Part of me was a little bit concerned that i would see someone that i had once known. Another part of me did not really care if i did though. I am no longer worried that seeing someone that i once knew will cause any kind of temptation to go back. If anything, i am at less risk of ever doing that drug than someone who has never done it before. I have experienced the damage that it can cause, and would no longer fall for a silly explanation regarding all the crazy things i had heard about it. The "It will only turn you crazy if you were already crazy anyway" or "It's not the drug that makes people crazy, it is the lack of sleep, so just make sure you sleep" lines would not work on me, like they once did. I left that world with no hard feelings towards anyone, and i don't think there is anyone out there that cares about me, or would want to hurt me. There is only one person from that time of my life that scares me, and i am pretty sure that he is currently stuck at home with his electronic ankle bracelet...unless the courts have relaxed his bail conditions again.
Still - once i was sitting in a room full of people that were, or are drug addicts, i kind of wanted to become invisible. I was not comfortable. I looked around the room for anyone that i might recognise, and there was no one that looked overly familiar to me. Who knows though. I did become a master at forgetting people, faces, and names as fast as i could back then.
I then looked around at each face without trying to noticeably stare at anyone, looking for signs of drug use in them. When the man at the front of the room asked if there was anyone who was attending their first meeting, something down at my feet suddenly became super interesting. I sunk as low as i could in my chair. I was grateful when Mr T's hand reached out and grabbed mine. I was grateful when the long silence that followed that question ended, and the topic moved on. I was finding the whole place, just a scary place to be. I was about as far outside of my comfort zone as i could possibly get.
I sat there for the next hour, listening to people talk. I think about a half a dozen people wandered up to the front of the room to talk about things that they were struggling with at present.
There was a youngish girl who is trying to get a job in an accountancy firm, who seemed to be filled with so much shame that it almost made me cry. She described how hard she is working at getting her name, and her past removed from Google, and how she is always wondering if people know about "what she used to do..."
There was the Maori guy who must have been about my age, who talked about his wife leaving him, and how long it took for him to get over that. He talked about how when he had been one day "clean" he phoned her and asked her to take him back - you know - said he was changing and all that jazz, and she didn't want to know about it. He talked about how long it took him to get over that. He talked about how blessed he is now to have just been awarded shared custody of his children. He talked about how much joy those children bring him, and how he didn't care about them when he was on drugs. I enjoyed listening to that man talk.
There was the middle aged woman who has struggled with alcohol and drug addictions her whole life, who for some reason now has taken a job in the hospitality industry, and is struggling with being in that social environment again. She sat down at the front of the room, and could not stop moving. She fidgeted, talked too fast, and to me looked like she was doing more than just struggling. I couldn't help but think how that woman has set herself up for a huge failure.
There was the older dude who had been attending those meetings for 4 years, and that was his first meeting back after his most recent relapse.
There was the girl who talked for ages about alcohol also being a drug, and how even one drink is a relapse. She suggested that if any of us in the room ever got drunk, the first thing we would do is get on the phone to our "dealers". I sat there thinking how i had no desire to ever get drunk again, but that if by some small chance i did get drunk one day, i would not have the first clue how to get in touch with my "dealer..." and how hard is it for these people to just lose phone numbers??? Hello??? It is called changing your phone number and losing all of your old contacts. It's easy to do. Try it - were the thoughts going through my head while this girl preached about a glass of wine making me a drug addict. I also found myself wondering why these people don't consider nicotine a drug, while she was bleating on, as well.
There were a couple of old men that spoke. One announced that every day he wakes up and focuses on not "using" and how he doesn't associate with "norms" these days. By "norms" i am thinking he means healthy people that have never had drug addictions. I felt sorry for that man. I felt a real sense of sadness for a person who doesn't realise how unhealthy it is for him to always be thinking about something that is so damaging, and how he doesn't realise that maybe if he surrounded himself with people who were a little bit different to him, he might learn to think about something else. The other old man talked about having a bad day and wandering down to the wharf and how happy a conversation with a fisherman made him, and how he is going to go buy himself a fishing rod, just because he thinks that catching a fish would be the most satisfying thing in the world.
And then it was over. Everyone stacked the chairs and left.
My opinion of Narcotics Anonymous has not really changed much. If anything, attending one of those meetings just reinforced my original beliefs. I don't think that would have been a healthy or safe environment for me to be in, this time two years ago.
I took away a real sense of dwelling from that experience. I was left feeling like those people spend much of their lives so focused on their pasts, and on the addictions that have caused them so much misery. I felt such a huge sense of shame from every single person in that room really. They are all trying to hide their pasts, and their problems. They all talked about their fear of people finding out about where they have been, and what they have done. Everyone in the room would nod in understanding and agreement when they talked about this shame and fear of being found out, that they all live with.
I can't imagine living that way. I just can't imagine living with fear and shame day in and day out. That can't be healthy. I wanted to tell them that. I never would though - so instead i sat there listening, while i worked out in my head how i was going to write about this on my blog.
I am looking forward to doing that again, just to hear the stories that people have to tell. It really was an eye opener, and made me realise just how healthy i really am these days. I can no longer say that i have never been to one of those meetings. I can now have an informed opinion - rather than just an opinion!
Mr T and i grabbed a burger on the way home, then curled up on the couch and watched some TV together, before i had to head off to collect Jorgia from ice skating at 11. What an unexpectedly, wonderful evening that was.
I was reminded of that John Lennon song last night, so thought i would share it!
Have a great Saturday you lot.
God will speak to you through relationships. Sometimes He will give you direct revelation, but often He will speak to you through relationships. His Word says, 'Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you...' (Hebrews 13:7 NIV). Who speaks into your life? To whom are you submitted? Without good input you will live unprotected and undirected.
God will speak to you through your gifts. 'A man's gift makes room for him...' (Proverbs 18:16 NAS). When God is directing your steps you won't need to kick the door open or force your way in. Your gift will bring a solution and meet a need; therefore, you'll be welcomed, valued and rewarded.
He'll speak to you through your thoughts. '...we have the mind of Christ' (1 Corinthians 2:16 NIV). When our minds are renewed by His Word and lined up with His will, God actually thinks through us. Consider what an advantage that is!
God will speak through open doors. Paul wrote, 'For a great and effective door is opened to me, and there are many adversaries' (1 Corinthians 16:9 NKJV). God will open doors for you, but you must remember that with every opportunity He gives, challenges come too. That's what builds your faith and strengthens you for the future.
He will speak through 'a word' of confirmation. 'Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it"' (Isaiah 30:21 NKJV). Note the word 'behind'. This word comes after you obey God, letting you know you've made a good decision and that you're on the right track.
Yes, you can be led by God. His Word says, 'The Lord watches over the path of the godly.'
I have always stated that i do not agree with the ideas, opinions, and almost cult like teachings of organisations such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. There are several reasons for this;
A - When i first decided to change my life surrounding myself with a bunch of other addicts seemed like a ridiculous idea. How could forming more friendships, and relationships with people who had the exact same problem that i had, who had the potential to fall, or relapse, and drag me down with them be a smart move? After the lengths that i went to in order to disassociate myself from everyone and anyone that i associated with my past, and my addiction, that just seemed like a ludicrous idea.
B - From what i understand they teach a lack of personal responsibility for addictions. They treat it as a disease that cannot be helped. They state that addicts are not personally responsible for their addictions, but that they are responsible for their recovery. What a load of bollocks that is - in my humble opinion anyway. I didn't or don't have a disease - other than the stupidity that i suffered from the first time i chose to take that pipe from the person who was handing it to me. I had a choice. I made the wrong one. That is not a disease, and that is not something that i had no control over, or wasn't responsible for.
C - They seem to preach a "Once an addict, always an addict" mentality. They seem to think that relapsing is ok, and to just keep trying again. I guess for some people, that mentality might work. I don't know. I have never relapsed. I can imagine that if i had, then it would have been nice to hear that it is ok to do that, and be encouraged to start all over again rather than feeling hopeless and just plunging head first back to where i had been. To me though, it was healthier to not accept that the prospect of failure was ok in the first place. Problem solved. To me it was healthier to know that if i ever looked back, i would end up in prison or dead and that i quite possibly would not make it back if i made that choice therefore that was not an ok choice to make. The end.
I could probably go on and on regarding all of the reasons that i never involved myself with this organisation while i was getting better, but those are the top three reasons why i didn't. I am sure that you have worked out by now, that my Mr T was also once a P addict. He also made terrible choices and mistakes that he has paid dearly for. He is also still fixing his life. Just like i am. We have had so many similar experiences, but we also have lots of differences. He recovered in a different way than i did, and chose to involve himself with NA. I guess the first month that he was getting better, he sometimes attended more than one meeting a day! He doesn't go very often these days, but last night i mentioned that one of these days i wanted to go to one, just to see what they were all about - so Mr T took me to one.
Talk about a hot date! If someone had told me ten years ago, that my idea of an exciting and fun Friday night would be attending a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, i would have asked them what kind of drugs they were on. I had the best night that i have had in ages though. What an eye opener.
Part of me was a little bit concerned that i would see someone that i had once known. Another part of me did not really care if i did though. I am no longer worried that seeing someone that i once knew will cause any kind of temptation to go back. If anything, i am at less risk of ever doing that drug than someone who has never done it before. I have experienced the damage that it can cause, and would no longer fall for a silly explanation regarding all the crazy things i had heard about it. The "It will only turn you crazy if you were already crazy anyway" or "It's not the drug that makes people crazy, it is the lack of sleep, so just make sure you sleep" lines would not work on me, like they once did. I left that world with no hard feelings towards anyone, and i don't think there is anyone out there that cares about me, or would want to hurt me. There is only one person from that time of my life that scares me, and i am pretty sure that he is currently stuck at home with his electronic ankle bracelet...unless the courts have relaxed his bail conditions again.
Still - once i was sitting in a room full of people that were, or are drug addicts, i kind of wanted to become invisible. I was not comfortable. I looked around the room for anyone that i might recognise, and there was no one that looked overly familiar to me. Who knows though. I did become a master at forgetting people, faces, and names as fast as i could back then.
I then looked around at each face without trying to noticeably stare at anyone, looking for signs of drug use in them. When the man at the front of the room asked if there was anyone who was attending their first meeting, something down at my feet suddenly became super interesting. I sunk as low as i could in my chair. I was grateful when Mr T's hand reached out and grabbed mine. I was grateful when the long silence that followed that question ended, and the topic moved on. I was finding the whole place, just a scary place to be. I was about as far outside of my comfort zone as i could possibly get.
I sat there for the next hour, listening to people talk. I think about a half a dozen people wandered up to the front of the room to talk about things that they were struggling with at present.
There was a youngish girl who is trying to get a job in an accountancy firm, who seemed to be filled with so much shame that it almost made me cry. She described how hard she is working at getting her name, and her past removed from Google, and how she is always wondering if people know about "what she used to do..."
There was the Maori guy who must have been about my age, who talked about his wife leaving him, and how long it took for him to get over that. He talked about how when he had been one day "clean" he phoned her and asked her to take him back - you know - said he was changing and all that jazz, and she didn't want to know about it. He talked about how long it took him to get over that. He talked about how blessed he is now to have just been awarded shared custody of his children. He talked about how much joy those children bring him, and how he didn't care about them when he was on drugs. I enjoyed listening to that man talk.
There was the middle aged woman who has struggled with alcohol and drug addictions her whole life, who for some reason now has taken a job in the hospitality industry, and is struggling with being in that social environment again. She sat down at the front of the room, and could not stop moving. She fidgeted, talked too fast, and to me looked like she was doing more than just struggling. I couldn't help but think how that woman has set herself up for a huge failure.
There was the older dude who had been attending those meetings for 4 years, and that was his first meeting back after his most recent relapse.
There was the girl who talked for ages about alcohol also being a drug, and how even one drink is a relapse. She suggested that if any of us in the room ever got drunk, the first thing we would do is get on the phone to our "dealers". I sat there thinking how i had no desire to ever get drunk again, but that if by some small chance i did get drunk one day, i would not have the first clue how to get in touch with my "dealer..." and how hard is it for these people to just lose phone numbers??? Hello??? It is called changing your phone number and losing all of your old contacts. It's easy to do. Try it - were the thoughts going through my head while this girl preached about a glass of wine making me a drug addict. I also found myself wondering why these people don't consider nicotine a drug, while she was bleating on, as well.
There were a couple of old men that spoke. One announced that every day he wakes up and focuses on not "using" and how he doesn't associate with "norms" these days. By "norms" i am thinking he means healthy people that have never had drug addictions. I felt sorry for that man. I felt a real sense of sadness for a person who doesn't realise how unhealthy it is for him to always be thinking about something that is so damaging, and how he doesn't realise that maybe if he surrounded himself with people who were a little bit different to him, he might learn to think about something else. The other old man talked about having a bad day and wandering down to the wharf and how happy a conversation with a fisherman made him, and how he is going to go buy himself a fishing rod, just because he thinks that catching a fish would be the most satisfying thing in the world.
And then it was over. Everyone stacked the chairs and left.
My opinion of Narcotics Anonymous has not really changed much. If anything, attending one of those meetings just reinforced my original beliefs. I don't think that would have been a healthy or safe environment for me to be in, this time two years ago.
I took away a real sense of dwelling from that experience. I was left feeling like those people spend much of their lives so focused on their pasts, and on the addictions that have caused them so much misery. I felt such a huge sense of shame from every single person in that room really. They are all trying to hide their pasts, and their problems. They all talked about their fear of people finding out about where they have been, and what they have done. Everyone in the room would nod in understanding and agreement when they talked about this shame and fear of being found out, that they all live with.
I can't imagine living that way. I just can't imagine living with fear and shame day in and day out. That can't be healthy. I wanted to tell them that. I never would though - so instead i sat there listening, while i worked out in my head how i was going to write about this on my blog.
I am looking forward to doing that again, just to hear the stories that people have to tell. It really was an eye opener, and made me realise just how healthy i really am these days. I can no longer say that i have never been to one of those meetings. I can now have an informed opinion - rather than just an opinion!
Mr T and i grabbed a burger on the way home, then curled up on the couch and watched some TV together, before i had to head off to collect Jorgia from ice skating at 11. What an unexpectedly, wonderful evening that was.
I was reminded of that John Lennon song last night, so thought i would share it!
Have a great Saturday you lot.
July 22, 2011
What a Fantastic Day
...and evening i have just had.
I just arrived back home from a night out with Mr T. We had no plans tonight. An impromptu decision to head out somewhere, and do something that i have never done before has me going to bed with a huge smile on my face tonight.
The best part of the whole evening, was being kind of uncomfortable in a room full of strangers, and having Mr T reach over, and grab my hand. No one has done that to me in years. I had almost forgotten how wonderful the little things about being a couple can be.
I will write more about my evening, and what we got up to, tomorrow. Right now, i just want to go to sleep with this smile.
I just arrived back home from a night out with Mr T. We had no plans tonight. An impromptu decision to head out somewhere, and do something that i have never done before has me going to bed with a huge smile on my face tonight.
The best part of the whole evening, was being kind of uncomfortable in a room full of strangers, and having Mr T reach over, and grab my hand. No one has done that to me in years. I had almost forgotten how wonderful the little things about being a couple can be.
I will write more about my evening, and what we got up to, tomorrow. Right now, i just want to go to sleep with this smile.
When Someone Stumbles, Help Them - 3
'...restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness...' Galatians 6:1 NAS
I have had another wonderful day today - except for Nixon being a right royal pain in the butt.
I went and looked at a house this morning. It is walking distance to the girls' school, and to their friends and other relatives. It had huge rooms. It was dry and warm. It was really nice, and only ten dollars more a week than what i pay here. I want it. We will see how i get on there.
I then ventured out to Sylvia Park and had lunch with my old friend Dan. I hadn't seen him in agessssssss. Too long actually. We keep in touch, and talk on the phone, but neither of us bother to make the time to actually see the other very often these days. It was really nice to see him. We had a nice lunch at some pub, that i now forget the name of...then we wandered around the shops for awhile. He needed new jeans, so we found him some. It is awesome that our friendship has survived everything that it has. Kind of amazing really, when you think about it. I don't think i have ever appreciated him as much as i do these days. It's really cool.
I arrived home to a missing Nixon. He had somehow managed to open the girls' bedroom window and escape, for the second time today. He escaped while i was out for lunch but Billy had tracked him down, and dragged him home. Somehow between Nixon absolutely covering my bed in the mud that he had covered himself in during his first escape, and me arriving home - he escaped again.
So i went driving around looking for him, in an attempt to save myself the get out of jail fee, and the subsequent $200 fine that i get sent every time they collect him.
I can't believe i found him, and caught him. Amazing. That is a first.
Now i guess he needs a bath, and i have a boatload of laundry to do.
I have another very boring weekend ahead of me. That kind of stinks.
Why is restoration necessary? To preserve their life. '...Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death...' (James 5:20 NIV). When someone you love is sinning, they're literally killing themselves. If you care, you won't be able to stand by and watch.
Restoration is necessary to preserve the church. Paul writes, '...admonish the unruly...' (1 Thessalonians 5:14 NAS). When sin is tolerated and rationalised, members become angry and leave, and others are wounded. A church's reputation and climate are hurt by those who sin and don't make amends. It's vital to preserve God's reputation. When Nathan spoke to David about his sin with Bathsheba, he said, '...you have made the enemies of the Lord show utter contempt...' (2 Samuel 12:14 NIV).
When we condemn in the world what we condone in ourselves, our message falls on deaf ears. So Paul writes, 'If anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness.' We are to approach them the right way! We must not confront someone about sin when we have the same problem ourselves. We must approach them with the purpose and expectation of restoring. This isn't a witch hunt, it's a lamb search. It's to bring them back into fellowship, and we must get rid of our 'holier than thou' attitude.
Be honest; it's only by God's grace that you're not caught in the same trespass, right? Tell the one you're dealing with that you recognise this. Assure them that whatever the sin, it's not unforgivable. There's a way back to spiritual health.
I have had another wonderful day today - except for Nixon being a right royal pain in the butt.
I went and looked at a house this morning. It is walking distance to the girls' school, and to their friends and other relatives. It had huge rooms. It was dry and warm. It was really nice, and only ten dollars more a week than what i pay here. I want it. We will see how i get on there.
I then ventured out to Sylvia Park and had lunch with my old friend Dan. I hadn't seen him in agessssssss. Too long actually. We keep in touch, and talk on the phone, but neither of us bother to make the time to actually see the other very often these days. It was really nice to see him. We had a nice lunch at some pub, that i now forget the name of...then we wandered around the shops for awhile. He needed new jeans, so we found him some. It is awesome that our friendship has survived everything that it has. Kind of amazing really, when you think about it. I don't think i have ever appreciated him as much as i do these days. It's really cool.
I arrived home to a missing Nixon. He had somehow managed to open the girls' bedroom window and escape, for the second time today. He escaped while i was out for lunch but Billy had tracked him down, and dragged him home. Somehow between Nixon absolutely covering my bed in the mud that he had covered himself in during his first escape, and me arriving home - he escaped again.
So i went driving around looking for him, in an attempt to save myself the get out of jail fee, and the subsequent $200 fine that i get sent every time they collect him.
I can't believe i found him, and caught him. Amazing. That is a first.
Now i guess he needs a bath, and i have a boatload of laundry to do.
I have another very boring weekend ahead of me. That kind of stinks.
Rob Thomas should be illegal
Doctors should be able to bottle him and prescribe him as an anti depressant.
I was feeling pretty crappy last night. I should have been feeling on top of the world after having such a positive day, but i had too many things banging around in this head of mine.
After 3 hours of youtube and Rob though, things seemed much better.
I just woke up from an awesome sleep.
I was feeling pretty crappy last night. I should have been feeling on top of the world after having such a positive day, but i had too many things banging around in this head of mine.
After 3 hours of youtube and Rob though, things seemed much better.
I just woke up from an awesome sleep.
July 21, 2011
I must have done ok
...on all those computer tests i suffered through today. I guess the blog was good for something. I was not this fast of a typist when i started it, over two years ago.
I better get myself some decent shoes.
I better get myself some decent shoes.
When Someone Stumbles, Help Them - 2
'...restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness...' Galatians 6:1 NAS
Aren't i blessed to have had so many people in my life these past two years that already knew this? Aren't i blessed to have even received understanding, positive thoughts and support from people that didn't, or don't even know me?
It has been really quite amazing.
I sometimes think about how i would have looked at someone else, and judged them this time ten years ago, before i had made the terrible choices and mistakes that i made. I think about what my thoughts, and opinion would have been if it had been someone else that i was reading about in the paper, and not me that had made those awful choices, this time ten years ago.
I would not have been kind. I would have judged, and i would have judged harshly anyone who had screwed up their life as badly as i had. This time ten years ago, i had absolutely no understanding of how anyone could "blow it" even half hearted, let alone the way i did. Maybe that is why i don't really care, or it doesn't really hurt me when i hear and read bad things about myself, or people say nasty things to me regarding my past. I probably would have thought the same way about me.
When i think about it like that, and i look at the people who have offered me love and support, people with what seem to be perfect lives, good people who have never, and will never screw up the way i did, it really amazes me.
I am blessed. I am blessed to have those people in my life that have helped and encouraged me. I am blessed because my experiences changed me into a better person. I am no longer the judgemental and harsh freak that i once was.
I am just plain blessed.
Right - i have to get moving, and i have just realised that i don't really have any winter, job interviewish shoes. Ugh.
What is the 'spirit' in which we are to restore someone? The spirit of gentleness. 'If anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness.' More than likely, the person is already hurting and as fragile as glass; condemnation will only worsen their plight. Understanding and acceptance-not agreement-are what's needed here. The spirit of humility. 'Each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.'
We're all cut from the same bolt of cloth; we're all capable of blowing it. Remember, Peter said to Christ, Lord, others may deny you but not me (Matthew 26:33)! And he meant it; he didn't believe it could happen to him! We must be careful about our own lives, examining ourselves, knowing that we too are vulnerable to all types of temptation and sin. Finally, the spirit of love and empathy. Paul writes, 'Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfil the law of Christ' (Galatians 6:2 NAS). In this passage the word 'burden' means 'a heavy load'. It means being willing to walk with them, weep with them and work with them until they've been restored.
If the hurting cannot find grace, love and healing in the family of God, where can they go to find it? Dr Charles Stanley writes, 'It should be clear from the Scriptures that we have a responsibility to restore a fallen brother or sister. It should also be clear that this sensitive, delicate issue must be handled with great care, lest we greatly damage our witness to an unbelieving world.'
Aren't i blessed to have had so many people in my life these past two years that already knew this? Aren't i blessed to have even received understanding, positive thoughts and support from people that didn't, or don't even know me?
It has been really quite amazing.
I sometimes think about how i would have looked at someone else, and judged them this time ten years ago, before i had made the terrible choices and mistakes that i made. I think about what my thoughts, and opinion would have been if it had been someone else that i was reading about in the paper, and not me that had made those awful choices, this time ten years ago.
I would not have been kind. I would have judged, and i would have judged harshly anyone who had screwed up their life as badly as i had. This time ten years ago, i had absolutely no understanding of how anyone could "blow it" even half hearted, let alone the way i did. Maybe that is why i don't really care, or it doesn't really hurt me when i hear and read bad things about myself, or people say nasty things to me regarding my past. I probably would have thought the same way about me.
When i think about it like that, and i look at the people who have offered me love and support, people with what seem to be perfect lives, good people who have never, and will never screw up the way i did, it really amazes me.
I am blessed. I am blessed to have those people in my life that have helped and encouraged me. I am blessed because my experiences changed me into a better person. I am no longer the judgemental and harsh freak that i once was.
I am just plain blessed.
Right - i have to get moving, and i have just realised that i don't really have any winter, job interviewish shoes. Ugh.
July 20, 2011
Evolution through Exploration | Purpose
Humans for the most part are not born consciously
knowing what their purpose is and it must be found through exploration.
Most living things belong to a particular soul group and are born knowing their purpose in life. An animal will spend its day foraging for food, taking care of itself and its young, and creating a home. No one tells an animal to do this, yet it instinctively knows how. Humans, for the most part, are not born consciously knowing what their purpose is.
Purpose gives our life meaning. When you discover your purpose, you can live your life with intention and make choices that serve your objective for why you are here on the planet. Finding your purpose is not always easy. You must embrace life wholeheartedly, explore many different pathways, and allow yourself to grow. Your purpose is as unique as you are and will evolve as you move through life. You don’t need anyone’s permission to fulfill your purpose, and no one can tell you what that purpose is. Finding and fulfilling your purpose can be a lifelong endeavor. To figure out what your purpose is, ask yourself what drives you – not what forces you out of bed in the morning, but what makes you glad to be alive. Make a list of activities that you wish you were involved in or think about a career path that you would love to embark upon. These are the endeavors that can help you fulfill your purpose and bring you the most satisfaction.
Picture yourself working on projects that don’t interest you or fulfill your purpose, yet they help satisfy your basic survival needs. Imagine how living this way each day would make you feel. Next, picture yourself devoting your time to projects that spark your imagination, inspire, excite, and satisfy you. More often than not, these activities are some of the ways that you can fulfill your life purpose. Time spent on these endeavors will never feel like a waste. Live your life with purpose, and you will feel significant and capable because every action you take and each choice you make will have meaning to it. ~ The Daily OM
Fantastic. Just what i needed to read, as i sit here dreading having to be in town first thing tomorrow morning for a job interview, computer testing, and all that jazz that comes along with job hunting. I guess my blog has been good for one thing - i can now touch type like a million words a minute!
I need to get myself into the most positive, and motivated mood that i can possibly muster. I need an early night, and to wake up feeling good.
Nixon had another seizure last night. Luckily i was out, and missed out on witnessing it. I hate it when he does that. Today, i am sure that i can smell those nasty anal glands again! Honestly, it is so gross and makes it kinda hard to love him. Off to the Vet goes my ten thousand dollar Nixon at some stage in the next couple of days.
And Mr T has now advised me that instead of being sure that he will not change how he feels about me anytime in at least the next ten years, this has now been increased to the next forty years. That's sweet - by the time forty years has gone by, he will be 80 odd years old and his chances of scoring even a cyber girlfriend, will be slim.
All is good in my little world at the moment. I am going to stay focused, and motivated. I need to do this.
Sheesh Nixon STINKS! Mr T has not smelled those anal glands yet. I better make sure he doesn't, or i could lose 39 years by default.
When Someone Stumbles, Help Them - 1
'...if anyone is caught in any trespass...' Galatians 6:1 NAS
I did something last night that i have mixed feelings about. I have such mixed feelings about it because part of me is so scared, yet the other part of me realises that it just proves how much i have changed as a person, from the inside out, for the better.
I have never had a completely honest relationship with a man in my entire life - until now.
I lied throughout my first marriage, about money. I lied about how much i spent, every single day. I didn't do that because i didn't love my husband. I just did that because i couldn't stop myself from spending money. If i told him the truth regarding how much i was spending, it would cause fights. So instead of learning how to be better with money, and learning that nothing i ever spent money on was going to make me, or my family happy - i lied about it. Just like with any other addiction, to me, money was all about lies.
I lied throughout my second marriage. I went to bed every night worried that my secrets would be discovered. I had briefly involved myself in prostitution before i met Danny, and i never told him about that. I tried to tell him once, when we first met. I brought the topic up to him, and the language that came out of his mouth when the topic of prostitution was even raised - "filthy whores" - is the main term that i recall him using, had me quickly realising that if i wanted him to love me, i could never tell him.
So i spent our entire relationship hiding this big secret from him. Towards the end of the relationship, when we were no longer living together, i chose to go back to that life, and for months i lived in fear that he would find out. Eventually my fears came true, and he did find out. All of my lies caught up to me in a more awful way than i could have ever imagined.
That day was bittersweet for me, almost. Part of me was horrified. I was embarrassed, and so ashamed. I lost who i thought was the love of my life, and my soul mate. He will never forgive me, and i probably don't deserve his forgiveness, in all honesty. It doesn't matter what he did wrong. There was no excuse, or reasonable explanation for my actions, or the lies that i told from day one to someone that i loved. Another part of me though, felt like a house had been lifted off of my shoulders. For the first time in my adult life, i had no secrets, or skeletons. I no longer had to toss and turn all night wondering how i was going to explain this lie, or that lie. I no longer had to try to remember what i had said. I no longer had to lie in bed and wonder if the next day was going to be the day that everything came crashing down around me.
My lies had caught up to me. I felt hurt, desperation, desolate despair, loss, and shame. My lies had caught up to me. I felt an amazing sense of relief. I no longer carried this enormously, heavy burden. I was lighter.
Last night, during dinner, Mr T was telling me about his first love. The entire relationship was based on lies - her lies - from day one. She kept lying to him, and he stayed with her. I asked him how on earth he could want to be with someone that had always lied to him. I asked him that question, while in the back of my mind, i was thinking about something that i needed to tell him, that he didn't know about me. I was dreading telling my Mr T this thing about me, because it is not something that i am all that proud of. In fact, it is the only thing in my life at the moment that causes me any shame. I don't know why it causes me so much shame. I am not doing anything wrong, but it does. Not telling Mr T about this one THING about me, had been weighing on my mind a lot lately. It was making me feel as though i was repeating past mistakes, and was not being entirely honest with him.
I will never have another relationship that is based on lies, half truths, or any kind of anything that is not total honesty, on my part. So i chose to tell Mr T this secret that i have. I told him this secret knowing that there was every chance that he could think less of me, and that is the last thing that i wanted. I realised though, that even worse than him thinking less of me because of what i had to tell him, would be him being in love with something that is not me, that is only half me, or that is a lie. I want him to love the real me, and that can't happen without total honesty. Anything short of total honesty is just a fantasy.
So i told him what i had to tell him. This morning, i have sat here for 3 hours wondering how to write about this.
Mr T didn't think my little secret was as big of a deal as i do. He says he doesn't think any less of me because of it. He is glad that i told him. It didn't upset him the way that thinking about it upsets me.
I am sitting here worried that he is thinking less of me, or that his feelings regarding me might change. He has assured me that is not the case, but i am still worried.
I am sitting here feeling relieved. I am thinking to myself that i would rather have had his feelings for me change, than to have not been completely honest with him, and allow him to continue to get stronger feelings for someone that is not even real.
I am sitting here feeling happy. I have proven to myself just how much i have really changed and grown these past couple of years. The old me would have gone to extreme lengths to hide something that i was not all that proud of, from someone that i loved, in a crazy effort to get them to love me back.
The new me is determined to never repeat that mistake again.
I will never carry that enormous, dishonest weight again. I would rather be honest and be alone, than lie and be loved for something that i am not, i guess.
I learned something pretty cool about myself last night.
Paul writes, 'If anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness.' Note the word 'caught'. Most of us who stumble thought at one time, 'That will never happen to me.' But it did. In a moment of weakness we yielded to evil. When this happens to someone in God's family we have a responsibility to restore them, regardless of the nature of the sin. In this Scripture this word 'restore' has medical overtones. It pictures a doctor resetting a broken limb
.
To restore someone Scripturally, we must help them in several ways. First, we must help them to acknowledge their failure. After his affair with Bathsheba, David prayed, '...[I have] sinned and done what is evil in your sight...' (Psalm 51:4 NIV). Secondly, we should help them to accept responsibility for their sin. Even though someone else may have been a contributing factor, we are still accountable to God. Thirdly, we must help them to repent. Repentance involves deep remorse, turning away from our sin, and moving in a new direction. Then, we must help them to make restitution. For example, someone who has done wrong needs to make amends when possible. We can help them to grow stronger through it.
Through failure, God teaches us lessons that keep us from wandering into similar situations in the future. We can help them to respond to God's correction with gratitude. Granted, this is not easy, but when a person comprehends God's purpose in such discipline - that we might '...share in His holiness' (Hebrews 12:10 NIV) - they begin to thank their heavenly Father for His loving correction. Indeed, it protects them from any root of bitterness springing up in the aftermath of sin.
I did something last night that i have mixed feelings about. I have such mixed feelings about it because part of me is so scared, yet the other part of me realises that it just proves how much i have changed as a person, from the inside out, for the better.
I have never had a completely honest relationship with a man in my entire life - until now.
I lied throughout my first marriage, about money. I lied about how much i spent, every single day. I didn't do that because i didn't love my husband. I just did that because i couldn't stop myself from spending money. If i told him the truth regarding how much i was spending, it would cause fights. So instead of learning how to be better with money, and learning that nothing i ever spent money on was going to make me, or my family happy - i lied about it. Just like with any other addiction, to me, money was all about lies.
I lied throughout my second marriage. I went to bed every night worried that my secrets would be discovered. I had briefly involved myself in prostitution before i met Danny, and i never told him about that. I tried to tell him once, when we first met. I brought the topic up to him, and the language that came out of his mouth when the topic of prostitution was even raised - "filthy whores" - is the main term that i recall him using, had me quickly realising that if i wanted him to love me, i could never tell him.
So i spent our entire relationship hiding this big secret from him. Towards the end of the relationship, when we were no longer living together, i chose to go back to that life, and for months i lived in fear that he would find out. Eventually my fears came true, and he did find out. All of my lies caught up to me in a more awful way than i could have ever imagined.
That day was bittersweet for me, almost. Part of me was horrified. I was embarrassed, and so ashamed. I lost who i thought was the love of my life, and my soul mate. He will never forgive me, and i probably don't deserve his forgiveness, in all honesty. It doesn't matter what he did wrong. There was no excuse, or reasonable explanation for my actions, or the lies that i told from day one to someone that i loved. Another part of me though, felt like a house had been lifted off of my shoulders. For the first time in my adult life, i had no secrets, or skeletons. I no longer had to toss and turn all night wondering how i was going to explain this lie, or that lie. I no longer had to try to remember what i had said. I no longer had to lie in bed and wonder if the next day was going to be the day that everything came crashing down around me.
My lies had caught up to me. I felt hurt, desperation, desolate despair, loss, and shame. My lies had caught up to me. I felt an amazing sense of relief. I no longer carried this enormously, heavy burden. I was lighter.
Last night, during dinner, Mr T was telling me about his first love. The entire relationship was based on lies - her lies - from day one. She kept lying to him, and he stayed with her. I asked him how on earth he could want to be with someone that had always lied to him. I asked him that question, while in the back of my mind, i was thinking about something that i needed to tell him, that he didn't know about me. I was dreading telling my Mr T this thing about me, because it is not something that i am all that proud of. In fact, it is the only thing in my life at the moment that causes me any shame. I don't know why it causes me so much shame. I am not doing anything wrong, but it does. Not telling Mr T about this one THING about me, had been weighing on my mind a lot lately. It was making me feel as though i was repeating past mistakes, and was not being entirely honest with him.
I will never have another relationship that is based on lies, half truths, or any kind of anything that is not total honesty, on my part. So i chose to tell Mr T this secret that i have. I told him this secret knowing that there was every chance that he could think less of me, and that is the last thing that i wanted. I realised though, that even worse than him thinking less of me because of what i had to tell him, would be him being in love with something that is not me, that is only half me, or that is a lie. I want him to love the real me, and that can't happen without total honesty. Anything short of total honesty is just a fantasy.
So i told him what i had to tell him. This morning, i have sat here for 3 hours wondering how to write about this.
Mr T didn't think my little secret was as big of a deal as i do. He says he doesn't think any less of me because of it. He is glad that i told him. It didn't upset him the way that thinking about it upsets me.
I am sitting here worried that he is thinking less of me, or that his feelings regarding me might change. He has assured me that is not the case, but i am still worried.
I am sitting here feeling relieved. I am thinking to myself that i would rather have had his feelings for me change, than to have not been completely honest with him, and allow him to continue to get stronger feelings for someone that is not even real.
I am sitting here feeling happy. I have proven to myself just how much i have really changed and grown these past couple of years. The old me would have gone to extreme lengths to hide something that i was not all that proud of, from someone that i loved, in a crazy effort to get them to love me back.
The new me is determined to never repeat that mistake again.
I will never carry that enormous, dishonest weight again. I would rather be honest and be alone, than lie and be loved for something that i am not, i guess.
I learned something pretty cool about myself last night.
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