It's not news to anyone that i struggle with this. Even the word looks scary to me. I was talking about this last night with the person that i went out for a drink with. I am famous (or infamous?) for sitting here thinking that everything is going to be ok. That my faith in God, and that he has good things in store for me, and my future is enough. I am guilty of sitting here just feeling so blessed after everything that i have been through, recovered from, and survived, that just being here - being alive - is enough to make me happy.
The bad old me was never happy with her lot in life. Nothing ever satisfied me. I was always wanting more, and better of everything. More money, more clothes, a bigger house, a nicer car, more trips overseas. More things, better things, bigger things...that was all that i cared about. I missed out on my children being babies, toddlers, their early school years because i was always working. For some reason i thought that the fact that they were decked out in Nikes and hundred dollar Osh Kosh outfits while they covered themselves in finger paint would make up for the fact that i was never there to actually paint with them.
My love of money caused me to miss out on so much. It destroyed my marriage to my childrens' father, and it caused me to miss out on their childhoods. My love of money, and material possessions is what started me on that journey down that very dark road. I would never have been in a situation to have ever been exposed to that drug, had i not been so consumed with wanting more money, and more things. The thought of ever being motivated by a love of money, or things again scares me.
Not only am i infamous for lacking motivation, and having faith that everything will just be ok, i am also famous for not being able to do anything by halves. It always seems to be all or nothing with me. I went from being married, and having only slept with a handful of men, to being a hooker overnight. I went from being very anti drugs to being a gram a day P addict within 3 months. My descent into the destruction that is that world took 3 months. The experiences that i had, and the low that i reached takes most drug addicts ten years - i managed it in one year. I went from never even seeing my children, because of my awful choices, to having my entire life revolve around them, and having no life of my own outside of their needs.
I need to find a happy medium here people. I need to stop being scared that finding motivation and ambition again is going to lead me anywhere except to a happy, and fulfilled life. I need to trust myself, and know that just because i have other things in my life, and don't have every second to cater to the kids doesn't mean that i am missing out on anything when it comes to them, or that i love them any less. I need to stop associating change, and motivation with that love of money, and material possessions that i once had, that wreaked so much havoc in my life.
I have been very blessed when it comes to my visits with WINZ. Just going in there used to scare me. I used to hate it. It always made me feel so bad about myself. I still feel like that actually, most of the time. This morning i had to go in there, and i was just about in tears at the thought of it. I am lucky though. I see the same lady every time, and i always feel almost a sense of relief as soon as i sit down in front of her desk. The poor woman has just about become like a counsellor to me. I have told her everything about my past, what i have been through, why i am scared of job interviews, and why i find it so hard to get motivated.
She offers me nothing but encouragement. I walk in there feeling so bad about myself, and i leave feeling positive and motivated. She is compassionate, and kind. She is wonderful at her job. She has obviously found something that she is amazing at, and enjoys it. I am envious of her. She inspires me to do the same thing.
She told me today that she doesn't need to organise another appointment for me at the moment. I have an interview later in the week. I am enrolled in a course through The Chamber of Commerce, and i am making sure that i have everything sorted for the university study that i am wanting to do next year before the August 30th deadline. I expressed concern to her today that if she did not schedule another appointment for me today, i might end up having to see someone else next time. She advised me that nope - she sees all their "mature clients" that are looking for employment.
I looked at her in mock horror and said "I have not been called "mature" since i was a hooker." haha...she laughed, and i walked out the door of that place, feeling a hundred times more positive than i had when i walked in.
Now i just need to stay focused on my happy medium. That middle ground that won't lead me back to where i have been. Wanting better doesn't have to be a bad thing. It doesn't mean that the old me has come back to life.
I can do this by halves.