Back to square one - 2

I guess i am going to start numbering my "Back to square ones" as well.

I can't quite believe that i am having to write this after everything that i have been through over the last few days, and the time that MR T and i have spent together this week. I have never met anyone in my life, that i just couldn't imagine ever arguing with, until i met him. Even with all that has gone on this week, we never raised our voices...we never felt anger.

On Monday night we talked - a lot. On Tuesday night, we started over. I can't recall anything ever feeling so right before in my life. Maybe at some stage things had felt that right, but i don't think so. T and i had never argued. I had never had that before with anyone. Every second that we spent together was happy, and loving.

After the events of Tuesday night, i had no doubt in my mind about where things stood with us. I knew everything was going to be ok. I had never before felt like someone else made me whole, and i made them whole back.

I guess i was wrong.

I don't even know how to write about this. For once, i can't put into words how i am feeling. I wish things had just ended after Sunday night. I kind of wish that i had just not spoken to him again, because at that point i didn't feel heartbreak, sadness, or loss - i just felt deception. It was easy to move on. I didn't even cry, at the time.

Now, i can't stop the tears.

I guess he has decided to try to make things work with Michaela. This man that i adore, went from being a very successful professional who had everything that he wanted at his fingertips, to losing everything and being unemployed. He places more importance on getting back those things that he lost, and on money than i do these days. His priorities are different to mine. I want to work hard for everything that i have. I want to start over, and work hard so that everything i have is appreciated and i never forget to show gratitude. I recognise that things always came too easily to me my whole life, and that was why i found it so easy to not value them, and treat them with the love, respect and gratitude that i always should have shown. Mr T, i guess, prefers the fast track.

Part of me wishes i had lots of money right now, so that he would have made a different decision for him and his children. Part of me is glad that i have none - at least i know that whoever i do end up with will be with me because of who i am, on the inside, and not what i have or what i can offer them.

I am trying not to sit here and ask "Why me"...i am trying not to tell myself that nothing will ever work out for me. I am trying not to tell myself that it is never worth it, and that i will always just end up hurt. I am trying not to feel like i am going to grow old alone. I am trying to stop crying.

I think the hardest thing about all of this, is that we still haven't argued. Today's conversation still ended with - I love you.

I know that the decision that he has made is the wrong one. I think he knows that too. There is nothing that i can do to change his mind though. He has made his choice, and all i can do is accept that and walk away with what little dignity that i have left.

I wish i could feel hate, or anger towards him, but i can't. All i can feel for him right now is gratitude. He taught me something about myself that i had doubted. After Danny, i didn't think i would ever really love anyone again. Mr T showed me that was not true, and that is what i will always remember my Mr T for.

Mr T taught me that i still have it in me to love.

All i can do now is wish him happiness. And i do. I truly mean that.

And that my friends, is the end of the Mr T chapter of my life. They say things don't work out for a reason, and people will tell me that it just means there is someone better out there for me. I am looking forward to meeting that person because if he is going to be better than Mr T, and if it is going to be better than what we had together then it will be worth waiting for.

Thanks to my favourite big brother for taking me out for coffee this afternoon and trying to stop the tears. Sorry it didn't work!

So much for not being able to put my feelings into words. Huh?