If you are tired of feeling like a victim, read this:
'I don't want to feel this way anymore. I thought if my pain touched their lives I'd feel better. I didn't. I thought by holding it over their heads I'd feel better. I didn't. I thought by telling everyone what they'd done to me I'd feel better. I didn't; it only cost me friends and kept the pain alive.
I thought if they acknowledged how wrong they've been I'd feel better. They didn't, so I felt worse. I thought if I could understand why I pick such relationships I'd feel better. So I read books and talked with counsellors. But that didn't work, because then I uncovered other issues I didn't have the emotional energy to deal with. I thought time would make me feel better. It helped, but it didn't heal, because there were still too many things that triggered old memories. I thought by moving to a new house in a new city and getting a new job I'd feel better. I didn't; I only changed addresses, not what was going on inside me.
Finally, I did two things that worked; not overnight, but gradually, patiently, consistently as I kept doing them, they worked. First, I decided to forgive - and keep forgiving until the past no longer controlled me. Second, I cried out to God, "Turn... me, and I shall be turned." He answered my prayer. My perceptions began to clear and my heart began to heal. Why? Because at last, getting well meant more, so much more to me, than remaining a victim.'
I. LOVE. THIS.
Love love love love love love love love love it!
I remember right before i decided to change my life, I was sitting on my couch, staring at my laptop - and at my "work" phone - after having walked back down the hill from Grafton Rd...and my last thought while i was involved in that world, before i turned that phone off and put that bloody pipe down was..."This is not my parents' fault. This is not Danny's fault. I am here because of my choices. This is all my fault. My parents can't fix this, and Danny can't fix this. I am the only one that can fix this...and i need God's help."
I shut down my laptop. I turned off my phone...and i went to bed - for three weeks!!! Every once in awhile, i woke up to do an angry and / or sad rant on here, or phoned Dan the policeman and had an absolute meltdown at him...and then i would go back to sleep. ;)
And that, was how my time as a crackho ended.