It's Only Money

"Keep your life free from the love of money... " - Hebrews 13:5 NIV

A lot of us think that the goal of work is to accumulate enough money so that we can quit working. No, if your work is not fulfilling, eventually you'll resent it. That's so, whether you make much or little. Money alone is not worth giving your life to.

John Ortberg writes, 'I have a friend. He's a businessman. He is in his seventies now. Years ago I attended his church when he gave a terrific message. We talked afterwards and he said to me, "You know, when I was a young man I always felt that I ought to go into pastoral ministry."I asked him, "Why didn't you?"Well, when it came right down to it, it was just money. He was doing well in the business world so he didn't follow what he sensed was God's calling on his life. Now he was financially secure - but he was running out of time. It's only money! We get all twisted up in knots over it, stay awake at night thinking about it, stew, get anxious, scheme, trade away our integrity to get a little more of it... and we worry that somebody else might get hold of it. It's only money! It's never a reason not to follow Christ. It's never a reason not to do the thing that He has called you to do.'

Billy Graham hit the bull's-eye when he said, 'If a person gets his attitude toward money straight, it will help straighten out almost every other area of his life.' It's okay to make money, and enjoy money, but 'Keep your life free from the love of money'.

I will never be at risk again, of loving money. I hate the stuff. I seriously do. I got told recently, that i would be the perfect woman, if i could just win lotto. I tend to disagree with that attitude and think i am pretty cool...just the way i am.

I can't decide what to do with my day. The weather is going hot - cold - hot - cold...just when i am about to head out the door for a run, or to work in the garden it goes freezing again, and i just want to curl up with a blanket and watch a good documentary.

Wisdom of the Soul

26. The earlier in the morning that you get out of bed and take Nixon for a run, the better your day will be!

Women asked, does size really matter

Women asked, does size really matter - National - NZ Herald News

What do women really prefer in a man? A tattooed or un-inked body; a hunk with a lean or beefy physique - or does it all simply come down to penis size?

These are some of the questions being asked of Kiwi women by broadcaster and former MP Pam Corkery, who is in the process of establishing the country's first all-male brothel for women.

The 20-question survey is being compiled by Corkery and her business partner, Rebekah Hay, before opening Pammy's in Auckland next year.

The brothel will house a steam room, a spa complex, two bars, as well as private rooms for women who choose to sample the bordello's "goods" - trained male sex workers - for $240 an hour.

The transformation of the brothel will be part of documentary of eight or 10 parts.

The survey markets Pammy's as "the best night out a woman could ever ask for", and asks women to anonymously note their preferences in men.

It asks whether Pammy's is somewhere women would prefer to go by themselves or with friends, it asks whether discreet parking, expensive decor, sex toys and even lay-by options are important for clients.

About the men, the survey asks whether an ideal sex partner should be obedient, matey or masterful; lean, muscular or beefy and waxed around the pubic area.

It asks if women prefer their men "groomed" or "untamed" and whether a man's penis should be average, large or extra large.

Women spoken to by the Herald on Sunday said they would go to the brothel.

A 24-year-old would go for a hens night with a group of friends. Another thought there was a market for an all-male bordello.

"I don't see why this isn't a good idea," she said. "More and more, women are feeling liberated sexually and opening up more to the joys, excitement and naughtiness of sex and the sex industry.

"Women are more powerful and successful than ever before.

"If this leaves no room or desire for a full-on relationship, then perhaps it makes sense to open up a premises where women can get the same relief and satisfaction their male counterparts have been enjoying for years."

Ugh - this is just gross and will never be successful, for so many reasons. Does Pam not realise that the days of making money for brothels (unless they have been there since the dark ages like The Pelican Club - which is even struggling) are over? The decriminalisation of prostitution in NZ has made the industry a lot less lucrative than it once was - for brothels of any sort.

The reasons that men and women enjoy sex are very different and i can picture it now - Pam is going to be sitting around in her plush surroundings, struggling to get men to sit there bored with her all night while they wait for the rush of randy females - that will never come. Just like most owners of female brothels are doing these days.

Never mind the fact that men don't actually pay women for the sex - they pay them to go away quietly with no hassles and no strings afterwards. I hate to point this out - AGAIN - but there is no shortage of men in NZ who are willing and able to do that for pretty much any woman - for free. Men in NZ have never been overly picky about where they put their penis and most have no qualms at all about adhering to the no strings part of that deal. In fact they love it - and will even be kind enough to share your details with their friends if you were any good.

OK so here goes Pammy. Here is my list of things that i would like in a man.

1 - Kindness
2 - Sincerity
3 - Honesty
4 - Nice eyes
5 - Nice Smile
6 - Integrity
7 - Loyalty
8 - Respectful
9 - Kindness
10 - and finally KINDNESS

Good luck finding that to work in your brothel.

I'm 40, Now Give Me That Candy

Happy Halloween You Lot!

It's going to be a slumber party / scary movie night in the Sperling home! I think i am going to have about ten 14-15 year old girls spread out all over my living room floor, in sleeping bags, screaming, covering their eyes, and plugging their ears, while watching scary movies.

Gosh - that brings back wonderful childhood memories. Some things never change...not even generations change them.

Know Your Life's Vision

'...called according to His purpose.' Romans 8:28 NKJV

Nobody can give you a vision for your life, but here's how to find yours:

(1) Look within you. What moves you? What are you excited about? Paul said, '...I am compelled to preach...' (1 Corinthians 9:16 NIV)

(2) Look behind you. What has life taught you? Experience provides us with the wisdom needed to fulfil our destiny. What does your past tell you about your future?

(3) Look around you. God never calls us alone. Moses needed 70 elders. Jesus picked 12 disciples. Paul spoke of those who worked with him. Fulfilling your destiny requires having the right people in your life.

(4) Look ahead of you. Helen Keller said, 'The only thing that's worse than being blind, is having sight but no vision.' What do you see through the eye of faith? St Augustine said, 'Faith is to believe what we do not see, and the reward of faith is to see what we believe.'

(5) Look beside you. What resources are available to you, for example, books, CDs, conferences and mentors? If your vision is not bigger than you, it's not of God. And the greater it is, the more resources it will require.

(6) Look above you. Jeremiah writes, '...They speak a vision of their own heart, not from the mouth of the Lord.' (Jeremiah 23:16 NKJV) We are 'called according to His purpose', not according to the need, or the fact that the door is open, or that our talent will be appreciated and well rewarded. Your vision must fulfil your God-ordained destiny, nothing else.

So, do you need to recognise your vision, resurrect your vision, or refocus on your vision?

SoulFood Reading: 1 John 3:11 - 5:21, John 7:25-44, Ps 104:27-35, Pro 24:29

How about...ummm...all of the above? haha

Another beautiful summery day in Auckland...sort of. Clouds look like they are fighting with the sun right now. Billy is at work, so i have peace from the xbox noise until early afternoon...and Nicole and her friends are still asleep. The taxi has to pick Jorgia up from her friend's place at 11:30...so i might just crawl back under my covers for another hour and enjoy the silence ( other than the neighbour's lawn mower) that is my home right now.

Guilty of drug-dealer murder

Guilty of drug-dealer murder - National - NZ Herald News

An Auckland man who stabbed a drug dealer in the heart in a fight over money has been convicted of murder.

Clem William James Pepene, 29, was found guilty of the murder of Paul Louie Chong after a trial in the High Court at Auckland this week.

Well...we finally find out what happened to Paul's murderer. There were two arrests though. I wonder what has happened to the other man. Two men killed Paul.

The Herald is just foul. Paul Chong was not a "drug dealer" ...he was a mechanic, who owned his own business. Other than trying to help his friend get money back that the Mongrel Mob had stolen off his friend, he was not even involved in this drug deal.

Paul Chong was a good, kind, and humble person, who would never have hurt a fly. He made the mistake, like i did, of getting involved with that drug, and the hideous people that come with it - but he was not a drug dealer.

Once again, the Herald doesn't tell the full story, and attempts to ruin the name and memory of a person that does not deserve it. Like someone said to me just before i left that world - "You are lucky, this world chews people up and swallows them whole...but it has spat you back out Jackie." But  it swallowed Paul.

RIP Paul - the people that knew you remember the good...and you were one of the very few, if only, good people that i met while involved in that life. Your murder, is one of the things that saved my life, and made me realise i needed to get away from that life. Thank you. You will not be forgotten.

Dear Billy, Nicole, and Jorgia - Fifty Life Lessons

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

- By Regina Brett

I wish i had read this twenty years ago.

Healing Thoughts

Think Healing thoughts.

When you feel anger or resentment, ask god to help you feel it, learn from it, and then release it. Ask Him to bless those whom you feel anger toward. Ask Him to bless you too.

When you feel fear, ask Him to take it from you. When you feel misery, force gratitude. When you feel deprived, know there is enough.

When you feel ashamed, reassure yourself that who you are is ok. You are good enough.

When you doubt your timing, or your present position in life, assure yourself that all is well; you are right where you are meant to be. Reassure yourself that others are too.

When you ponder the future, tell yourself that it will be good. When you look back at the past, relinquish regrets.

When you notice problems, affirm there will be a timely solution and a gift from the problem.

When you resist feelings or thoughts, practice acceptance. When you feel discomfort, know it will pass. When you identify a want or a need, tell yourself it will be met.

When you worry about those you love, ask God to protect and care for them. When you worry about yourself, ask Him to do the same.

When you think about others, think love. When you think about yourself, think love. Then watch your thoughts transform reality.

Today, i will think healing thoughts.

I had not opened this book in ages. Not since before the big scandal back in August -when i briefly decided to stop writing in my blog. I pulled it out from my nightstand just now, and opened it up to August 17th...and the above is what i read.

It reminds me of a huge long discussion that i got into yesterday regarding the sentencing of a young man in Christchurch, who had hit and killed a little 4 year old boy, and the forgiveness that the parents of that child had offered this young man.

Some people found this weird. Which is understandable...but i found this story to be a truly amazing, inspirational, and wonderful story of forgiveness. What an amazing family, and such a wonderful example of compassion, love, and empathy for our fellow human beings the Woods' family are. I truly hope that Ashley Austin takes this second chance that has been given to him, and it appears that he deserves, uses this mistake and the terrible consequences, and turns them into something positive.

Forgiveness does not condone the actions of anyone that has hurt us - it just takes away their ability and their action's ability, to hurt us any longer. That is all this family has done. Good on them...i can only hope i would be as strong if i am ever in that situation.

How terrible would it have been, for this family to carry anger or hate with them for the rest of their lives? How terrible would it have been, had Ashley Austin been sent to prison and had his future ruined? Neither of those options would have brought little Nayan back.

I found this story, to be truly inspirational - RIP little Nayan.

On that note...i am going back to my own healing thoughts for the day. I need them today.

Get Up and Go Again

'...Seven times he said, 'Go again'.' 1 Kings 18:43 NKJV

Elijah the prophet told King Ahab that the drought in the land was over and the rains were coming. Then Elijah... 'told his servant, "Go up now, look toward the sea." So he went up and looked, and said, "There is nothing." And seven times he said, "Go again." Then it came to pass the seventh time, he said, "There is a cloud, as small as a man's hand, rising out of the sea!" So he said, "Go up, say to Ahab, 'prepare your chariot, and go down before the rain stops you"... in the meantime... the sky became black... and there was a heavy rain...' (1 Kings 18:43-45)

Notice, seven times Elijah said, 'Get up and go again.' You must persist! If you don't, you'll miss what God wants you to have. Furthermore, if you don't recognise and celebrate small miracles 'the size of a man's hand', you'll miss the bigger ones so essential to your future.

Beth Anne DeCiantis had to complete a 42 km marathon in less than two hours and 45 minutes to qualify for the Olympics. She reached the final straight in two hours 43, with just two minutes left. Two hundred metres from the finish she stumbled and fell. Dazed, she stayed down for 20 seconds. The crowd yelled, 'Get up!' The clock was ticking - less than a minute to go. Beth Anne staggered to her feet and began walking. Five metres short of the finish, with ten seconds to go, she fell again. As the crowd cheered her on, she crossed the finish line on her hands and knees. Her time? Two hours, 44 minutes, 57 seconds.

So the word for you today is: 'Get up and go again'.

SoulFood Reading: 1 John 1:1 - 3:10, John 7:14-24, Ps 104:19-26, Pro 24:28

Oh my Gosh - I have needed this one for the past couple of weeks, like it is nobody's business. It has been a tough couple of weeks, but i have done the right things, and not wavered regarding decisions that i have made, that i know are right...even if they are difficult right now. One day, i will get there. I am blessed to have so many wonderful friends to support me through my tough times, these days.

It is a beautiful, cloudless day out there today. Nixon and I are going to go for an early morning run...then work in the garden. I have to keep busy today, as i have things playing on my mind, that i don't really want to think about...so the following attachment, is most appropriate for me today.

I have the kids all weekend...the X Box is already on ...this morning : / ARRRGHHHH!

Mufti Day

Why does the school do this to me? I LOVE school uniforms. It must have been so hard for my Dad and stepmother when i was growing up...American high schools do not wear uniforms. Anyway - i managed to get all of the laundry done, that i was told i needed to do, at 10pm last night...because they just HAD to have certain things, that had been shoved in the back of their closet, while pretending to have a clean room, washed, and ready to wear this morning.

All good. I sent them off looking as gorgeous as ever, and thanking God that mufti day only comes around once a term...or so.

I will have a job soon....hopefully. Things are happening. :)

Marriage

haha Thanks for the laugh Karen! xxx

You Get What You Give

It's a Sure Thing

'Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life...' Psalm 23:6 NKJV

Let's break this Scripture down: 'Surely goodness and mercy.' People may disappoint you, but God's goodness and mercy are sure things! 'With [God] there is never the slightest variation or shadow of inconsistency.' Our devotion to God may falter, but His devotion to us never does: 'If we are unfaithful, He remains faithful...'

David didn't say, 'maybe, possibly, I hope so, I've a hunch'. No, he said, 'Surely' and that's a promise you can stand on. 'Shall follow me.' That sounds like another promise God made to His people: 'all these blessings shall come on thee, and overtake thee...' Note the words: 'follow... come on... overtake'. You can't get away from them! God's goodness and mercy followed Jonah to the bottom of the sea, Daniel into the lions' den, and John into exile, opening Heaven to him.

Stop and look back. Think of the scrapes God's brought you through, the messes He's helped clean up, the doors He's opened, and what do you see? Blessings you don't deserve, can't escape, and are new every morning. With God, it's a sure thing! 'All the days of my life.' Think of the days ahead and what do you see? Days at home raising a family? Days in a dead-end job, struggling to get ahead? Days of loneliness and poor health? Days of caring for a sick loved one? Days of battling disappointment and depression?

'Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.' Goodness to provide, and mercy to pardon; you'll never have a day without them!

SoulFood Reading: Ezra 6-8, John 6:52-71, Ps 114, Pro 24:23-25

Stop and look back. Think of the scrapes God's brought you through, the messes He's helped clean up, the doors He's opened, and what do you see? Blessings you don't deserve, can't escape, and are new every morning.

How true is that? If that one does not apply to me - then nothing does!

OK so i have been awake since about 5am. Billy started work today at 7am. I had to drive him. I am going to start making him give me half of his pay to save for a car. I guess a drivers license would help, as well.

It's another beautiful day out there today. Yesterday, i washed my car, and it was so hot out there that i put the hose over my head and drenched myself. I ADORE summer. I am loving this weather. Have been spending lots of time out in the yard as well...and that is where i am heading right about....NOW.

Rich Wealthy Blessed Lucky and Fortunate

Willie Jackson on Maori language crisis

Willie Jackson on Maori language crisis News Video

If the Maori language needs saving - here's hoping, for it's sake that someone more intelligent than Willie Jackson comes to it's rescue! That's all i have to say.

What a dope.

Blame blame blame...waaaa waaaa waaaa.

He is a God of Abundance

'...My cup runs over.' Psalm 23:5 NKJV

Paul writes, 'Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think...'  Our God is a God of abundance! In Scripture, the overflowing cup is a powerful symbol. As long as your cup was kept full you were welcome. But if it sat empty, the host was hinting that it was time to go. If he really enjoyed your company he kept filling it until it ran over the edge and down onto the table. Is your cup overflowing today? That means you're welcome at God's table, your seat is guaranteed, nobody can take your place, and your needs will be abundantly supplied.

FB Meyer wrote, 'Whatever the blessing in your cup, it's sure to run over. With Him the calf is always the fatted calf, the robe is always the best robe, the joy is unspeakable, the peace passeth understanding. God's way is always characterised by... overflowing bounty.' So the last thing on earth we need to worry about is 'making ends meet'. Our cup overflows. Take grace, for example: 'The more we see our sinfulness, the more we see God's abounding grace forgiving us.'  To abound is to have a surplus! The cup God gives overflows with mercy. Are you afraid it will run dry? That your warranty will expire? That your mistakes are too great? No way! Before Paul became a Christian he went around persecuting, imprisoning and killing Christians. Yet he wrote, '...grace... was poured out on me abundantly...'

Whatever you need today, God has - in abundance. So ask, and believe Him for it!

SoulFood Reading: Ezra 3-5, John 6:35-51, Ps 127, Pro 24:19-22

I will have to remember that tip regarding how to get rid of guests that are overstaying their welcome!

Happiness, mine and my family's health...and healthy, loving relationships with the people that i have in my life, are the only things that i want out of this life.

This was how i spent my labour weekend :) ...oh...and driving the kids around,

 but i did not get any photos of that!

If you cannot say the words, then think about them

If you cannot say the words, then think about them. - Tanya Unkovich

Find meaning in your experiences.

Discover the value in sharing of yourself and your experiences with others. Life will take on new meaning.

To help and watch other people grow is an experience you must not miss.

You will reap great fruits in doing so and learn what ‘success’ really means for you.

May your first words (or thoughts) each day be ‘thank you’.

 
Tanya told me this morning, that there is power in silence - if in doubt, leave it out.
 
I think she is right.

Inquiry after body found in city apartment

Inquiry after body found in city apartment - National - NZ Herald News

A man has been found dead in Auckland's Quadrant apartments in Auckland city today.

Police were called to the complex at 7.15am this morning, where they found a man dead on arrival.

They are speaking with two people who were also in the apartment.

A homicide investigation has been launched.

A post-mortem examination is likely to take place tomorrow morning.

Police are not releasing the name, age or sex of the dead person.

Can anyone say DRUG RELATED? I wonder if i know the person / people involved. I knew that building well.

Ok so speaking of people that i used to know. Ages ago i did a blog post about someone that i knew, named Alex.

I was with my friend Karen yesterday, at the beach. I met her there, at the car park of a local coffee shop near the beach. I pulled in, and parked my car. She had walked over to my car to meet me. We were walking back across the car park towards the coffee shop, where she had ordered coffee. I was carrying a copy of the Herald on Sunday, and we were discussing the cover story, regarding a mother who had exposed her small children to methamphetamine.  I was telling Karen that the photo of a glass pipe with smoke in it, that was included with the news item, was difficult for me to look at. I was looking at that photo and telling her that even seeing that photo, almost left me with the taste of P in my mouth.

We stopped walking and stood near the counter. I looked up from my paper, and there was Alex. Right in front of me. Staring right at me. My first instinct was to say hello to him, but then i saw that he was not alone. So i just looked away, as did he, and we pretended not to notice each other.

At the time, it was so weird to see him, that it left me shaking. Now, in hindsight, after recovering from the initial shock...i think it was nice to see him. It was nice to see that he too, has appeared to have stayed away from that evil drug. He had put on a lot of weight since i last saw him...he looked healthy. I would liked to have given him a hug, and let him know that i too, am all better. I would have liked to have apologised for all the craziness that went on between the two of us, when we were both so messed up on that drug. I would have liked to have told him that i am glad that he had sorted out his relationship with his girlfriend, and that i hope they are happy.

I would have liked for him to have met the real Jackie.

Maybe next time.

The sun is shining. I have dug my bikini out from the back of my bottom drawer, and now i am off to do yard work and get the kids laundry all hung out and dry.

I hope everyone else in New Zealand is making the most off this beautiful weather.

Fresh Oil

'...You anoint my head with oil...' Psalm 23:5 NKJV

The shepherd anoints his sheep with oil for two purposes. First, to repel insects. If allowed to deposit their eggs into the soft membrane of a sheep's nose they can drive the sheep insane; the ewes stop giving milk and the lambs stop growing. So the shepherd anoints his sheep with an oil-like repellent that keeps the enemy at bay and the flock at peace. Second, to heal wounds. Most wounds result from living with the flock. So the shepherd regularly inspects his sheep because he doesn't want today's wound to become tomorrow's infection.

Whether circumstances are driving you crazy, or you've just been wounded as a result of living with the flock, always go to the Shepherd. Before you go to anybody else, go to God because 'He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.'  Then, bow before Him. In order to be anointed the sheep must lower their heads and let the shepherd apply the oil. Humble yourself, call on the Lord. 'God will always give what is right to His people who cry to Him... He will not be slow to answer them.'

David writes, '...I have been anointed with fresh oil.' Yesterday's oil is quickly contaminated by the dirt and grime of the journey, so you must go to God daily and ask Him to empower you with His Spirit. A sheep doesn't understand how the oil works, but it doesn't have to. It's enough to know that something happens in the presence of its shepherd that happens nowhere else.

SoulFood Reading: Ezra 1-2, John 6:25-34, Ps 98, Pro 24:15-18

I need to start reading these every day again. Since my ankle bracelet came off, and i have had my freedom back, i have let other things in my life distract me. I would not say that circumstances are driving me crazy - but i am not feeling very happy these past couple of weeks. I have not spent as much time reading emails like these, and thinking about how i can apply them to my life, as i should - as i used to. They always helped and always seemed to apply to what was going on in my life at that particular time. Just like this one does.

I need to go back to doing that every day.

Re my previous post about feeling used by JUST ABOUT everyone in my life - unless you are one of my children - or i have personally told you that i feel like you are using me - THAT POST WAS NOT DIRECTED AT YOU!

I have received a text this morning from someone who took exception to that post, assumed i was referring to them, and proceeded to do their nut at me.

Not everything i write about is directed at YOU. In fact - nothing is! Except this!

Yesterday at Botany Town Centre

Amazing what a good, decent dose of Vitamin D will do for people!

Beauty Secret

Today has been a struggle

I feel used by just about everyone in my life - other than my wonderful girlfriends. I am truly blessed to have them.

I have spent all day driving kids around...picking them up...dropping them off...from everywhere between here and Beachlands...I am not done yet either - still have to pick Billy up from work...and one to pick up again in Beachlands tomorrow. Why can't i have normal teenagers that get drivers licenses and buy their own cars...like i did at that age?

I ran in to a crackie that i used to know today. I will elaborate on that later, but it was really, very weird to be staring at someone, right in front of me, that i used to be so close to because of that drug. It left me shaking, actually. Sometimes, how small New Zealand is...is kind of suckie.

Just cause...

I love this song.

Have you lost your peace of mind?

'He restores my soul...' Psalm 23:3 NIV

When life overwhelms us we usually look for one of two things. We may look for somebody with all the answers. The trouble is, when you look to someone for that which only God can provide, you set that person up to fail and yourself up to be disappointed. Alternatively, we may look for somewhere with fewer problems. Paul Harvey wrote, 'After Hurricane Andrew devastated South Florida, Patricia Christy vowed she was going to leave on the first plane. She was determined to get as far away from the horror of hurricane damage as she possibly could and have a restful vacation.' Harvey said, 'I just heard from Patricia Christy. She was standing in line for fresh water on the Hawaiian Island Kauai, having just gone through Hurricane Iniki!'

Sheep get anxious when storms come, predators roar, or they're forced to move to unfamiliar territory. How do they handle such times? By moving closer to the shepherd!

Have you lost your peace of mind today? Read the following Scriptures; they'll help you move closer to your Shepherd: 'But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them... The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms... You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You."... 'The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; and He knows those who trust in Him.' For 'The Lord remembers us and will bless us...'

Yes - I have completely lost my peace of mind. I need to focus.

I have woken up - actually that is a lie because i did not really sleep over night - with the worst head cold ever. My head is killing me, as is my throat. I am completely stuffed up...and my eyes are all puffy. I am feeling like absolute crap, and am off to the doctor.

Then i am going to sleep, and hope that i wake up feeling better. That is about all you are getting out of me this morning. I don't think my brain is working properly today!

Turn it around - Labouring under a label

Are you living under the guise of a label? Do you put a label on people?

We live in a culture that uses labels as a means of understanding the world and the people living in it. As a result, many of us find ourselves laboring under a label that has a negative connotation. Unless we can find a way to see the good in such a label, we may feel burdened by an idea of ourselves that is not accurate. It is important to remember that almost nothing in this world is all good or all bad, and most everything is a complex mixture of gifts and challenges. In addition, different cultures revere certain qualities over others, but this does not mean that these qualities are inherently good or bad. For example, a culture that elevates outgoing behavior will label an introvert in a negative way, calling them antisocial. In truth, the ability to spend time alone is one that most great artists, mystics, and visionaries share. Owning the positive side of this label can lead us deeper into our gifted visions and fertile imaginations.

When we look into the lives of any of the great people in history, we always find that they had quirks and eccentricities that earned them less than ideal labels from the societies in which they lived. Many famous artists and musicians were considered to be isolated loners or disruptive troublemakers, or sometimes both, yet these people altered history and contributed to the world an original vision or advances in our understanding of the universe. If we can remember this as we examine our own selves and the labels people use to describe us, we find that there is a bright side to any characterization.

If you have been labeled, remember that all you have to do to see the positive side is to turn the label around. For example, you may be considered to be overly emotional, and the fact that you are perceived this way may make you feel out of control. But notice, too, the gifts of being able to feel and express your emotions, even in a world that doesn’t always encourage that. You might begin to see yourself as brave and open-hearted enough to stay alive to your feelings. You may also see that there are certain paths and professions in which this is a necessary ability. As you turn your label around, the light of your true nature shines to guide you on your way. ~ The Daily OM

I'm back. :)

From about the time that i hit puberty - gosh i still hate that word. It's a gross word isn't it? PUBERTY - until about the time that i had Billy, i used to get these terrible, awful migraines. I would get them once every couple of months. All through my teens, i would get struck down by those things, and not be able to move, or even see anything other than the squiggly rainbows that would move in my left eye...everywhere i looked.

They stopped as randomly as they had started. I have often wondered what caused them to start, and then just stop the way they did. All through my 20s and 30s, i was migraine free, pretty much. I would feel sick at even hearing the word or thinking about them, but they had stopped.

Now, one month after my 40th...they seem to have started again. Last week, with no warning, that squiggly ( i think that is a word that i made up just to describe what happens to my vision ) rainbow thing appeared, and followed my vision, everywhere my left eye wandered.

Anyway, i hope they have not returned for good. I hope that was a one off. I wonder if it was triggered by a news item that i saw on Campbell Live? ( I think ) last week...or the week before, that reminded me of them. Who knows.

It really knocked me out.

And that my friends, has absolutely nothing to do with turning labels around. I have been called overly emotional lately. I don't think i am. I think i am pretty good like that...i don't think i need to change. I like, that despite everything i have been through - or put myself through - none of that has not made me hard.

I like being emotional. Even if it does mean, that sometimes i still cry.

PS...squiggly was not my own creation. It appeared in the spell check. My head is still sore.

I have been busy

The school holidays had me so busy. Every single day was taken up with something to do with the kids. I loved it, but it is tiring. Yesterday, we all went for a walk around the Panmure Basin. I cannot believe that i managed to get them all to actually go outside, and do something with me. It was funny, walking around there with Nixon. We talked about how we did that last September school holidays, as well. This time last year, the kids were not yet living with me again. It was the first school holidays that Nick had let me have them the whole time...and that was so exciting for me, at the time. I remember being so grateful to Nick for that.

I remember this time last year, thinking i was doing so well, and had just about put everything behind me. I still had all those court dates to look forward to though, and my sentence. NOW it is really all behind me. I can only imagine that this time next year, i will probably look back and think how i still had so much more to accomplish...and realise how much further i have come again.

Life is good like that.

Anyway, i have been a bit too busy for my blog lately. I am sure that i will get back to it...next week...or something. I have not consciously taken a break form it. I have just had a lot on. I think i have actually gone and done the unthinkable, and gotten myself a life.

I read something on Sunday that should have upset me. It was obvious that a certain person was trying to be hurtful towards me. It still amazes me how things can be portrayed so incorrectly by the media...but i won't be losing any sleep over this...or the person.

All i have to say is that one of the first things that i realised, when i decided to change my life, and become the person that i always wanted to be - a good person - a happy person - was admit that every mistake that i have made was my own fault. I had to stop blaming others for how i felt, and for my mistakes and terrible choices, and accept full responsibility for everything that has happened in my life. The next thing i had to do was stop lying...to myself and everyone else.

Once i did that, all the anger that i had felt for so long, towards people that i felt had victimised me, or done wrong to me, and the hate i felt for people...disappeared. It was an absolutely amazing, amazing feeling. It still is. To describe how wonderful it feels to have no anger or hate inside me, after living with so much of it for so long, is something that i don't have time to do right now. I could write all night about that topic.

A person can go to rehab their whole life...they can be told by therapists that they are healthy because they have not done drugs, or alcohol for a certain amount of time...but nothing will get better for them until they stop blaming others, and being a victim.

If you are a drug addict, or an alcoholic - that is no one's fault but your own.

When you love, and respect yourself, when you have high self esteem, you will not be abused or mistreated by anyone. A victim is a person that thinks very little of themselves. People will treat you exactly the way you allow them to.

On that note...i am off to bed. I have lots to do this week...and will be doing it with a smile on my face no matter what is said about me!

I adore my life. :) Back soon. x

When you are disappointed

'...I am... discouraged, but I will remember you...' Psalm 42:6 NLT

Max Lucado says, 'When God doesn't do what we want it's not easy. Never has been. Never will be. Faith is the conviction that God knows more than us... and He'll get us through. Disappointment is caused by unmet expectations... and is cured by revamped expectations... Don't panic... don't give up... be patient... God's in control. It ain't over till it's over.'

So, when you're disappointed:

(1) look inward. David asked, 'Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad?...' Admit how you feel. You can't deal with what you don't acknowledge. Ask God to show you the root of the problem. Is it pent-up anger? Envy? Unforgiveness? Pride? Lust? Physical and mental fatigue? Be open to what He reveals

(2) look upward. David said, '...I will... hope in God! I will praise Him...' Instead of focusing on your discouragement, focus on the One who knows the way out

(3) remember God's past faithfulness. David said, 'I am... discouraged, but I will remember You.' Through every trial Joseph clung to the assurance that God still controlled his destiny. Recalling God's faithfulness builds your confidence that He'll continue to provide

(4) remember, you don't have to understand. Just because you can't figure out what God's doing right now, doesn't mean it won't make sense later. He '...causes all things to work together for good to those who love [Him]...'

(5) don't give in to bitterness. When your hopes are dashed, resentment can set in. '...If God is for us, who can be against us?'

Regardless of how deep the pit may seem, God is on your side!

SoulFood Reading: 1 Sam 27-31, Luke 24:45-53, Ps 63, Pro 22:17-23

This is a good one for today. I just received an email from my good friend who was feeling suicidal the other night. She is ok...but still struggling. Gosh, it is hard to get across to someone who is in the midst of their own addictions and problems, just how much happiness is possible, if they stop feeling ashamed, and choose to live a life that they are proud of.

Sometimes i wish i could have bottled everything that i have been through, how bad / low i felt in one bottle...and how wonderful things are for me now, even on my down days...in another bottle. Those two bottles would be a cure for hopelessness.

What a beautiful day it is out there today. I'm outta of here to enjoy some of this sunshine. Not sure Nixon and i will be able to go on a run today though. He hurt his paw on Sunday - it was bleeding, and he is still limping a little bit. Poor Nixy Pixy :(

Now is the time - Bloom where you are planted

There are no guarantees in this life, so when we hold back we

 do so at the risk of never fully blossoming.

Having a vision for our future that differs from our current circumstances can be inspiring and exciting, but it can also keep us from fully committing to our present placement. We may become aware that this is happening when we notice our thoughts about the future distracting us from our participation in the moment. We may find upon searching our hearts that we are waiting for some future time or situation in order to self-actualize. This would be like a flower planted in North Dakota putting off blooming because it would prefer to do so in Illinois.

There are no guarantees in this life, so when we hold back we do so at the risk of never fully blossoming. This present moment always offers us the ground in which we can take root and open our hearts now. What this means is that we live fully, wherever we are, not hesitating because conditions are not perfect, or we might end up moving, or we haven’t found our life partner. This can be scary, because we might feel that we are giving up our cherished dreams if we do not agree to wait for them. But this notion that we have to hold back our life force now in order to find happiness later doesn’t really make sense. What might really be happening is that we are afraid to embrace this moment, and ourselves, just exactly as we are right now. This constitutes a tendency to hold back from fully loving ourselves, as we are, where we are.

We have a habit of presenting life with a set of conditions—ifs and whens that must be fulfilled before we will say yes to the gift of our lives. Now is the time for each of us to bloom where we are planted, overriding our tendency to hold back. Now is the time to say yes, to be brave and commit fully to ourselves, because until we do no one else will. Now is the time to be vulnerable, unfolding delicately yet fully into the space in which we find ourselves. ~ The Daily OM

 

That reminds me - MUST DECIDE WHAT TO DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE! arrghhhhh! Taking Nixon for a walk to the beach. Back later.

Secrets - 2

'...I'll make a clean breast of my failures to God...' Psalm 32:5 TM

Hidden among the sand dunes on Bird Island, North Carolina, is a postbox marked 'Kindred Spirits'. Inside are notebooks and pencils visitors can use to record their thoughts and prayers in anonymity. Author Zoë Elmore says, 'I'm amazed what people have written... heart wrenching confessions... their deepest and darkest secrets... prayers of desperation... People... willing to put down... things they'd never share with family or friends... and place them in a mailbox on a secluded island.

These writings are an indication of everyone's need to be heard in a safe environment... to get things off our chest without interruption or condemnation. As a child of God we have a true Kindred Spirit to whom we can pour out our hearts... His name is Jesus and you just have to call on Him... He's waiting to listen to your innermost fears and private thoughts. Perhaps you have things you're longing to share; secrets you've kept far too long... I have great news... it's possible to experience freedom - without visiting Bird Island! Call on the Name of Jesus... pour out your heart with confident abandon... He's present and He's listening.'

When you do that, David said, 'You get a fresh start, your slate's wiped clean... God holds nothing against you and you're holding nothing back from Him. When I kept it all inside... The pressure never let up... Then I let it all out... said, 'I'll make a clean breast of my failures to God.' Suddenly the pressure was gone - my guilt dissolved, my sin disappeared.' What a great feeling!

SoulFood Reading: Gen 1:1 - 2:3, John 1:1-18

What a beautiful day it is out there today! I have felt low on energy (and motivation) this week. I have put that down to the antibiotics that i am on. Nicole has had two friends staying the night. Billy has had a friend here playing X box the whole weekend. Jorgia and i have been confined to my bedroom, watching documentaries on the laptop, for fear that the activities in the rest of our home might drive us mad.

Yesterday afternoon though, i dragged my tired, unmotivated butt out of my bedroom, and Nixon and i did our 10 k run up to Howick, and back the long way. I felt absolutely fantastic afterwards, and promised myself to remember how good exercise makes me feel. Unfortunately i did that, at about 4 pm, then could not get to sleep until late.

So....i am going to enjoy a bit more of a sleep in, with Jorgia, because she has had to sleep with me since Friday, and then i am going to get out there and do my run...and then the lawns need mowing, and the gardens need weeding.

I have not started my veggie garden yet this year. The weather has been so horrible up until this weekend. I have not had the spare money to invest in it, like i did last year, when i had absolutely no life, and the kids did not live with me full time. The veggie garden might not happen this year. We will see.

Back to sleep...just for a little while...for me. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Gang leaders paid by trust to help addicts

Gang leaders paid by trust to help addicts - National - NZ Herald News

Two Mongrel Mob leaders are being paid by the taxpayers to try to turn the country's gangs away from drugs and crime.

Mongrel Mob Notorious Chapter leader Roy Dunn and an associate, Edge Te Whaiti, are being paid as "youth co-ordinators" through a Te Puni Kokiri contract with the Consultancy Advocacy and Research Trust chaired by veteran community worker Denis O'Reilly.

They have worked with the Salvation Army to organise a series of live-in P treatment programmes for gang members with a $1 million grant over two and a half years from Prime Minister John Key's action plan on methamphetamine, launched last year.

They also brought young Wellington members of the Mongrel Mob and Black Power together for horse-riding and diving activities in an effort to end traditional gang rivalries.

O'Reilly said he and Te Whaiti had also talked to about 90 Mongrel Mob families around the country asking them what they wanted for their families five years from now.

"They want to be violence-free and drug-free households with high education, high incomes and good homes," he said.

O'Reilly, who was the country's first "detached youth worker" in Sir Robert Muldoon's Government 30 years ago, said gangs were a reaction to a sense of exclusion and the way to deal with them was to stop excluding them.

"We are not going to get on top of [P] overnight. I've been working on it for the best part of five years now and sometimes it's three steps forward, two steps back."

Former Labour Party president Mike Williams, who now runs the anti-P Stellar Trust and is working with O'Reilly on an upcoming campaign to make Hawkes Bay "P-free", said he supported paying the gang leaders to try to change their members. "It's whatever works," he said.

Sensible Sentencing Trust spokesman Garth McVicar, who met Dunn and Te Whaiti with other gang leaders at a meeting organised by O'Reilly in 2005, said he also believed the Notorious leaders were genuine.

"I haven't been black and white on this, which is unusual for me, because they did convince me that they were genuine and did want to change," he said. But he said he told them that if they really wanted to change they should clean themselves up and stop wearing gang patches.

Te Puni Kokiri spokeswoman Jaewynn McKay said the agency was happy with the work O'Reilly's trust had done so far and was not responsible for whom they employed.

"We are funding them to do a specific project. If they think those people are best suited to that role, that is their decision," she said.

Maori Affairs Minister Pita Sharples said the issue was an operational matter for Te Puni Kokiri.

I would say that reading this article infuriates me, but that would not really be true. Nothing REALLY makes me angry these days. It makes me sick and i can't quite believe what i just read though.

The Mongrel Mob have made millions upon millions of dollars destroying lives and making New Zealand a more dangerous society to live in than it was 20 year ago - through the manufacture and sale of methamphetamine.

This is a fact.

The ONLY reason they are interested in the rehabilitation of their members is because they know how destructive the drug is, and how once addicted to it their members no longer have loyalty to the gang - they only have loyalty to that drug. This fact has caused fighting and disloyalty within the gangs. Because of methamphetamine, it is not only members of other gangs that these lowlifes have to worry about - it is each other as well.

How can they continue to grow their methamphetamine trade if all of their members' brains are fried and they are fighting amongst themselves? They can't.

So John Key and the Stellar Trust are going to pay these men to get their gang members clean - so that they can continue to go about growing their gang and their wealth - through the manufacture and supply of this evil drug. Just like i doubt the CEOs of tobacco companies are smokers - yet they are still happy to kill people on a daily basis with their product.

I cannot believe it.  Paul Holmes - the "Ambassador" for the Stellar Trust - talked about me in one of his columns. He called me "unusual". Perhaps his daughter should follow my example and become a little more "unusual" herself.

Just to add to this corruption - i will remind everyone how Glaxosmithkline who manufacture and supply pharmaceuticals, and whose profits depend on the manufacture and sale of pseudoephedrine are one of the major funders of The Stellar Trust. The Stellar Trust then pass that money on to the Mongrel Mob who have manufactured and supplied P - and destroyed lives for the past 15 years - while making themselves millions.

Seriously - how much more corrupt could this get? I am disgusted. Why don't GSK just bypass The Stellar Trust and pay the mongrel mob a commission? Seems that would be easier. I guess that would not line the pockets of the Trust's chairmen and women, and pay for all their fancy "fundraising" dinners though.

Secrets - 1

'...you're after... truth from the inside out...' Psalm 51:6 TM

Lisa Whittle says, 'Pornography... excessive shopping... eating disorders develop in isolation... What we watch... think... how we spend our time are the 'secret places' Satan uses. It's not that we don't want to be honest... but fear of being discovered keeps us... [trapped]... If Satan can get us to... bury our secret[s]... we can't be effective for God... our private sins will eat away at us, making us feel fraudulent and unworthy... The truth is we're the ones who don't love and accept ourselves, not God! "What is hidden He brings to light" because He's "after... truth from the inside out".'

So, practise honesty. When you catch yourself telling a lie, stop, admit it and apologise. It's embarrassing, but you'll think twice next time! Develop a strong faith. Make authenticity a top priority. Strengthen your walk with God through daily prayer and Bible reading. Consider your motivation. Make sure the improvements you're working on in your life aren't just to impress others. Appreciate your God-given attributes. Make a list, stop and look at it when you feel 'less than'. Value your own judgment. Consider what you've already accomplished and the good decisions you've made in the past.

Dr Edwin Locke says, 'Think independently... be mindful of what's suitable for you regardless of what the rest of the world says.' Stop trying to be perfect or look super spiritual. Openness means living without pretence and giving others permission to be transparent. Remember, seemingly 'together people' have their not-so-together moments, and falling apart is sometimes how you get put back together. Live with a genuineness others will want to emulate. Honesty facilitates honesty. When you're real, people can tell.

SoulFood Reading: 1 Sam 20:30 - 23:29, Luke 24:25-35, Ps 60, Pro 22:7-11

 
I ADORE this one. Love love LOVE it. It is SO true.
 
I have no secrets in my life, from anyone, and i am so grateful for that. From the day that i decided to change my life, i promised myself to always live a life that i am proud of. I go to bed every night with no skeletons in my closet.
 
Honesty is so important to me. Even when it is the more difficult choice to make. Even when it would be easier to lie, and even when a lie would be easier to hear than the truth - i will always choose honesty over lies - even when it hurts.
 
Dishonesty does keep people trapped in their destructive behaviours. One of the most important lessons that i learned from all of my mistakes, is that people will rarely judge honesty. Most people will always be grateful for honesty.
 
There is more beauty in the truth - even if it is dreadful beauty.
 
Have a great Saturday!

Do others see Jesus in you?

'...He chose them to become like his Son...' Romans 8:29 NLT

Bill was a drunk, converted in a Skid Row mission. Before his conversion he had gained a reputation as a tramp and an alcoholic for whom there was no hope. But when he gave his life to Christ everything changed. He became the most caring person at the mission. He spent his days there doing whatever needed to be done. There was never anything he was asked to do that he considered beneath him. Whether it was cleaning up vomit left by some sick alcoholic or scrubbing toilets used by men who had left them filthy, Bill did it all with a heart of gratitude. He could be counted on to feed any man who wandered in off the streets, undress him and tuck him into bed when he was incapable of taking care of himself.

One evening after the mission director delivered his evangelistic message to the usual crowd of solemn men with drooped heads, one of them came down to the altar and kneeled to pray, crying out for God to help him change. The repentant drunk kept shouting, 'O God, make me like Bill! Make me like Bill! Make me like Bill!' The director of the mission leaned over and said, 'Wouldn't it be better if you prayed, 'Make me like Jesus'?' After thinking about it for a few seconds, the man looked up and asked, 'Is He like Bill?'

Live, so that others see Jesus in you!

SoulFood Reading: 1 Sam 18:1 - 20:29, Luke 24:13-24, Ps 68:19-35, Pro 22:6

 
I can relate to Bill - the part about being considered hopeless, and now having a heart full of gratitude. Not one day goes by, where i don't remember where i was, and where i could have ended up.
 
Every day i thank God for where i am right now, and everything he has blessed me with.

A very good friend of mine, emailed me the other night, and told me she was feeling suicidal. We exchanged emails for a couple of hours, but i have not received a reply from my last email to her. I hope she is ok. I hope she reads this, and realises how much better life can get for her, and i hope she realises that she is loved.

Major drug bust also nets, firearms and boat

Major drug bust also nets, firearms and boat - National - NZ Herald News

Bay of Plenty police have busted a major organised crime syndicate, seizing hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of methamphetamine ingredients, firearms, gold, a 50-foot launch and arresting 10 people.

Police have executed 16 search warrants in the region in the past two weeks. They have uncovered five residential methamphetamine laboratories and one mobile lab located in a car.

Chemicals and ingredients used to make methamphetamine worth up to $850,000 were found, with the capability of producing around $2.4 million worth of the drug.

More than $220,000 in cash, $100,000 worth of silver and gold coins and bars, nine illegal firearms, 17 cars, five motorcycles, a rural property, a 50-foot launch, a power boat and $268,000 worth of methamphetamine were also seized.

The bust was the culmination of a six month operation by the Bay of Plenty Police organised crime squad, operation Safari, aimed at disrupting the supply of methamphetamine to the region.

It had also identified a major stolen property receiving network.

Detective Senior Sergeant Lindsay Pilbrow said the operation highlighted the link between drug and property offending, with large amounts of stolen property being fed through members of the group.

The syndicate was extremely well organised with large-scale operations across the Bay of Plenty and stretching into Waikato and Auckland, he said.

"It had the technology, equipment, chemicals and capability to produce large quantities of methamphetamine. The amounts we recovered in the past two weeks alone had the potential to produce methamphetamine worth more than $2 million.

"As a result of this operation, we have significantly disrupted the supply of methamphetamine in the Bay of Plenty. This has obvious and real benefits for our local communities."

Ten people were arrested and have been appearing in the Tauranga District Court, facing more than 90 charges between them.

Five of those arrested remain in custody and further arrests were likely, Mr Pilbrow said.

It still amazes me, every time i read things like this in the news, that people in New Zealand, can be so ignorant as to believe that just because they would never personally, touch P, that it could never effect their life.

In Oregon, where methamphetamine has been an epidemic - and an unnecessary one - since the late 80s, it is estimated that 85% of property crimes are methamphetamine related. I would love to know if there are any similar stats relating to property crime in NZ. My bet is, the results would be very similar. If anyone knows of a study done, here in New Zealand...i would be interested to see that.

I sincerely doubt though, that any of the assets or wealth mentioned in the above article, were acquired through hard work.

We all pay for methamphetamine, every day. We pay when we come home, and our homes have been burgled. We pay when our vehicles are stolen. We pay with insurance premiums. We pay with our taxes that fund the health system in order to treat the mental illnesses that this drug causes. We pay with our taxes, for the benefits that are paid out to addicts who can not muster the motivation to fix their lives. We pay with taxes to fund the lawyers to defend these criminals. Taxes pay for their court costs. Our environment suffers in the cooking process...ever thought about where the waste goes? For every pound of P that is manufactured - 20 pounds of toxic waste is absorbed into our environment.

It is not just the addicts and the people that love and care about them that pay the price for the damage this drug does. It is not just the victims of the violent offences that addicts often commit who pay the price. Everyone pays. P hurts everyone.

I was screaming before it all plopped out of the shell

Shamgar's secret - 2

'...Shamgar...killed six hundred...Philistines with an ox goad...' Judges 3:31 NKJV

Shamgar lived in dangerous times. Philistine gangs roamed the countryside, robbing people: 'In the days of Shamgar... people avoided the main roads; and travellers stayed on...pathroads.' Shamgar's only weapon was an ox goad, a long wooden staff with a steel tip used to prod oxen. But it wasn't until he came under attack that he discovered its full potential.

Understand this: God has given you an 'ox goad', something you can use to win in the situation you're facing. If you seek Him, He'll show you what it is. Like the boy with the five loaves and two fishes, God will take something small, bless it, then multiply it to bless others. The Bible says we are to '...be instant in season, out of season...'

The Greek words for 'be instant' could be translated 'be prepared'. The Greek word for 'season' means 'opportunity'. You need to be preparing yourself now, when it looks like nothing is happening, because your season will change and the opportunity to act will suddenly present itself. When it does, you must be ready.

In life, opportunities are either coming towards you, or passing you by. In college, a professor told Dr Martin Luther King Jr that if he kept using such lofty words, he would never be a very effective public speaker. You have to wonder what that professor thought as he listened to Dr King's 'I have a dream' speech, and watched him go on to champion civil rights.

What's your ox goad? Use it, and God will bless it!

SoulFood Reading: 1 Sam 16-17, Luke 24:1-12, Ps 68:1-18, Pro 22:1-5

I needed this one today. I had a bit of a down day yesterday. I am struggling at the moment to decide where the heck i go to from here - what the heck i am going to do with the rest of my life. Someone, over the weekend, said a lot of terrible things about me. Awful, horrible things, that did not really bother me. I figure they reflect more on her, and her state of mind, than they do on me...but i have to admit that being criticised and put down for my current employment status, did bother me a bit.

I have spent days, weeks, and months, trying to decide what to do now, and it is beginning to frustrate me that i have been unable to come up with a clear answer - thus far.

The media attention that i have received over the past couple of months, has not helped my confidance. I sometimes can't help but think that i am the only one who has been hurt by it. The newspapers sell, Radio Live has received free publicity, and i am now scared to apply for jobs because i fear my name and face will be instantly recognised. I was never going to lie to anyone about my past anyway...obviously, but the whole saga, has really been an attempt by the media to bring shame back into my life. And the funny thing about it all is, that i have no doubt that it was not me that they wanted to do that to, but they will use anyone to hurt their intended target.

Yesterday, i was feeling really down and worrying about my future. Today, i will just go back to trying to find my ox goad! I am going to start a degree next year. It might take me a hundred years to complete it, but i am definitely going to go back to studying. I don't want just an average, boring, office job, like i had always had in the past. I loathe average. I get so bored with average. I was never very good at average, which is half the reason that i ended up where i did.

So i am definitely going to study, so that i can end up doing something that i love. However, in the meantime, the only insult that nasty people can say about me, that really bothers me is to call me unemployed. Isn't that funny? I can be called a "Little Wretch" a "P Head" a "Whore" etc etc and none of that bothers me - unemployed though - does.

Weird. I need to find my ox goad! haha