I can't quite believe that it is nearly over. I have received so many lovely emails, filled with encouragement during the past seven months. Many of them have praised me for how well i am coping, and how wisely i was using my time, in trying to help others, who might now be in the situation that i was once in.
Part of me is selfish though. I do genuinely want to help people. Sharing my story though, and attempting to help others, somehow gives the terrible choices that i made, and the awful things that i experienced, a purpose. It takes a tiny fraction of the bad decisions that i made, and the terrible example that i set for my children, and turns them into something positive. It turns the shame, that i could have quite possibly lived with for the rest of my life, into gratitude, hope, faith, and love.
I will never regret being so open and honest with the world, about my past and my recovery. It has helped me, more than it has helped anyone else. The one thing that i have discovered, through all of this, is that people will rarely judge honesty. From the day that i started being honest with every single person in my life, regarding my mistakes, and what my life had become, every single person in my life has supported me, and been here for me. The people from my past, who have judged me, are not missed. Since the day that i decided to change my life, and always live a life that i am proud of, my life has been overwhelmed with good people, who have supported me, not just these past seven months, but since the day that i started being honest. For that, i truly feel blessed.
These past seven months have been hard. Harder than anyone knows, and harder than i have let on. I have had so many angry, sad, close to meltdown moments, that i could not begin to count them. At times, i have thought that the isolation, and boredom would drive me bonkers. I have felt embarrassment, when Armourguard have turned up at my house, and my neighbours have noticed. I have felt shame when wearing a hospital gown, and unable to hide the bracelet. I have experienced humiliation when having to stand in line at WINZ, then explain to them why i can't start looking for a job until September, and more shame when the probation department had to phone my doctor to confirm that i had been there for an appointment, and not just sneaking out. The examples of the embarrassment that my actions have caused are endless. I now look at those times, as a blessing, a kind of rehearsal, for when my face was plastered all over the front pages of the weekend newspapers a few weeks ago. By the time that happened, i struggled to feel embarrassed anymore. I liken that to how a woman loses all sense of modesty, by the time she is giving birth.
I have missed out on a lot this year. The two biggest things, that i missed, were the birth of my little sister and her husband's long awaited first baby. My little nephew, Simon, was born 8 weeks premature, on March 29th. He weighed only 4lbs and spent a month in hospital, before they were able to take him home. I always thought, that was a time that i would be there for my sister, Tracey. I will always wish that i had been able to be there. I hope that sometime soon, before Aunt Jackie is just considered a weird lady that he is forced to call Aunt, but has no idea who she is, i will be able to get home to Boise, Idaho, and have the chance to get to know the little guy.
In June, i missed my son's graduation, from North Central High School, in Spokane, Washington. I had sent him to spend a year with my parents, to finish school last year. At the time, i was such a mess that i could not focus on the fact that he had just left school here, and had spent all year playing his xbox, because i was too absorbed with my own problems. He ended up graduating in June, on the honour roll, with straight As and awards for his artwork. I wish i had been there to see that.
There are lots of other things that i have missed. A fantastic job offer, had to be declined in January, because i did not know if i was going to be in prison or not. I missed the ACDC concert. That was the Friday, after i was sentenced. I was DYING to see them in concert. Luckily though, i got to hear the whole concert, from the comfort of my bed. The wind must have been perfect that night, as it carried the sound right into the bedroom of my little apartment in Mt Albert.
At Easter, every single person that i knew, left Auckland, and i spent those 4 days alone, bored out of my skull, and missing every single person on this planet, that i love. That weekend I ran out of coffee, and milk, and everything else, and i could not even go to the shops to get necessities. Anyone who knows me, knows how well i would have survived without my coffee fix that weekend.
I can't count how many of my friends have had birthday, and other celebrations that i have watched them all talking about on Facebook, that i missed. Nixon, my Cocker Spaniel, who had gotten used to ten k runs every day, has had no exercise in 7 months, the poor little guy. He has driven me bonkers with his hyperactivity, due to his lack of exercise. I have often wondered if i am nuts, as i have patted him and explained to him that it is only "A couple more months" until we can go on big runs again, hoping he was understanding what i was saying.
I have missed my daughters' soccer games, parent teacher interviews, career evenings at the school - the list just goes on.
I have often been outspoken regarding my opinion that Home Detention is the worst possible sentence that the Justice Department could give someone who is recovering from methamphetamine addiction. The boredom alone, would be enough to drive someone who is not as determined as i am, back to that drug. Anyone who has ever tried that drug, will know how fast time goes, while you are on it, and that certainly would have made these past seven months easier. The frustration that i have felt, at knowing that i will never offend again, of knowing that i have recovered, but being unable to put my mistakes behind me, and get on with my life, has been enormous. I still believe that putting me to work, a community service based sentence, where i had to actually get off my butt and work, would have been more beneficial to not only me, but society as well. For most drug addicts, being forced to sit around on their bums for 7 months, and not get on with their life, is not a punishment.
Other than those points that i have tried to get across, i have not complained about my sentence. I deserved it. I will forever be grateful to the police for arresting me. They saved my life. I will forever be grateful for the lessons that i have learned. More importantly though, i will be forever grateful that my children have spent the last seven months, watching me suffer the consequences of my actions. My daughters have been here with me through the whole seven months. They have suffered because of my actions, as well, and for that i am sorry. There have been countless times when they have missed out on things during the weekends, with their friends, because i could not drop them off or pick them up. I am truly convinced though, that because of these past seven months, they will never make the same mistakes that i have made. I have absolute faith in that, and in them. That is the best thing that has come from my sentence, and it is that fact, that has kept me going, and determined to make the most of my sentence. I am though glad, that i will never again have to hear "It is your fault because you did drugs" from one of them, when i have had to tell them no. I never was able to come up with a valid argument to that reaction from them. It made me feel pretty crap.
In just over 12 hours, it will all be over. The uncomfortable, clunky ankle bracelet that hurts my ankle when i try to sleep at night, and is darn near impossible to shave around, will be gone forever. What am i going to do with myself now?
The first thing i will be doing, is taking Nixon for the longest run of his life. I have made hair appointments for myself and the girls - I have not had my hair done properly, at a hair salon in 3 years. Nixon will be heading off to the groomers. I am going to go shopping and buy myself a new outfit. I am going to wear a skirt, because for the first time in seven months, i do not have to hide my ankle. My daughters and their friends are taking me to the movies, to see "Going the Distance" ...their choice of movie, but i am not complaining! I am going to hop in my car and head down to Papamoa to spend a night or two with my best girlfriends, and I might even have a hot date or two lined up!
There is a big world out there that i have not seen in so long. Before i see any of it though, i will need to get a warrant for my car. It expired last week - life is back to normal.
How amazing is that?
My only hope now, is that my story might dispel some of the secrecy and shame that surrounds methamphetamine addiction, and more people will reach out to their loved ones for help, instead of continuing to live a lie.
That drug is everywhere. The sooner everyone realises that, the sooner it will stop harming every aspect of our society, and environment.
August 31, 2010
Softening and expanding - Being receptive to what you want
We go through life with defenses we created early on, are you willing to soften those barriers to allow good things?
In order to get what we want in life, we have to be willing to receive it when it appears, and in order to do that we have to be open. Often we go through life with defenses we developed early on in order to protect ourselves. These defenses act as barriers, walls we needed at one time to feel safe, but that now serve to shut out desired influences, like intimacy or love. So an essential part of being receptive to what we want is to soften these barriers enough to let those things in when they show up. For example, we may spend a lot of time alone as a way to protect ourselves from being hurt by other people, but we can see how this is now preventing us from meeting new friends.
Another obstacle to our receptivity can be our tendency to believe that we have to act aggressively in order to achieve our desired goal. This can cause us to become mono-focused and to fail to see, and be open to, opportunities on the periphery of our vision. So becoming receptive involves a softening of our defenses and a willingness to remain open to possibilities outside our immediate realm of vision. If we are looking for love or friendship, it means first looking within ourselves to see where we are shut down, and second, not getting too fixated on where we might find the love we want. In this way, we become more open as individuals and more expansive in terms of what we see as possible.
Often, the things and people we want to draw into our lives elude us because we are unconsciously blocking them out, either with our defenses, or with tunnel vision that causes us to not see them when they appear. When this is the case, we can take action by exploring and softening our barriers, and expanding our vision to encompass new possibilities. These actions are the essence of receptivity. ~ The Daily OM
I think i needed to read this one earlier. I have already worked all that out, for myself now. The events of the past couple of months helped me realise all of that.
So, i am down to my last 26 hours with the bracelet on! I cannot believe it. One more sleep until the bulky, uncomfortable thing is gone forever. For some reason, the machine that picks up my signal, or the bracelet, is not working properly. It has not been working properly since yesterday morning, and Armourguard keep turning up here every couple of hours to make sure i am home. They then, make me walk into every room in the house, and stand in the corner, just like a naughty child. I guess they are trying to work out where exactly, i am going that is not picking up the signal.
Who knows. Yesterday, and last night, i got rather stroppy with them about it. I mean, i have 26 hours to go, of a 7 month sentence. I have not been naughty, and breached any of the terms of my sentence so far, so why on earth would i be stupid enough to do something like that when i only have a day to go? I have asked them that several times, but none of them seem to be able to speak enough English to explain this to me. They are lovely guys...but all big islanders who just give me that funny islander giggle, when i have asked that question.
I asked it again, this morning when one turned up, and got the same giggle again. So i have decided to stop being annoyed and impatient with them...and just let them visit me as many times as they feel that they need to, in the next 26 hours.
It's all good.
I have a quiet, but messy house at the moment. I dropped Billy at the local gym, to see about joining (I cannot believe the state of my son's muscles! He spent all his spare time while in the States working out) on the way to dropping the girls at school. I have at least a couple of hours to clean, before he arrives back home and starts messing it up again.
I better get busy.
August 30, 2010
Make giving a lifestyle
‘...God loves a person who gives cheerfully.’ 2 Corinthians 9:7 NLT
That is so true, isn't it? All i have to do to see proof of that, in my life, is look at the relationship that i now have with all three of my wonderful children. 15 months ago, by their own admission, they dreaded having to see me...and now i can't get rid of them! haha Out of all of the changes that i have made to myself, and my life, my relationship with them, and the kind of parent i now am, is the one that gives me the greatest joy.
I spent my last weekend with the bracelet, at home by myself. I figured since Nick had paid for Billy's flight back to New Zealand, i really should share him. All three went off to Nick's for the weekend, and i was left here alone. I did my best to sleep...LOTS...i figured the more i slept, the faster time would go. Yes, i realise that is using the logic of a 5 year old, but i don't care. It worked.
I survived, my last weekend, stuck at home alone. I now have two more sleeps, until the bracelet comes off. At 11am on Wednesday, i am free to get on with the last half of my life.
I cannot wait. It is going to be amazing.
A child who had just learned to tie his shoelaces was crying, so his mum asked, ‘Is it that hard?’ ‘No,’ he sobbed, ‘but now I’ll have to do it for the rest of my life!’ Is that how you feel about giving? You want to learn, but you’re not sure that you want to make it a lifestyle?
Some swallows were teaching their young to fly from a branch overhanging a lake. One by one the mother bird pushed each of her chicks to the end, until somewhere between the branch and the water they discovered they could fly. Their mother understood what they didn’t: until you learn to fly you’re not really living!
Understand this: giving is an action built into us by God; it’s the air into which we were born. But until you realise that, you’ll cling to everything you have! The Bible says, ‘...Whoever sows generously will also reap generously.’
Everything in life begins with a seed. Your seed is anything that can multiply: your love, your time or your money. Your harvest is what comes back to you in benefits such as joy, good relationships, and – yes – finances. If what you have is not enough to be a harvest, sow it as a seed, believing God will multiply it back to you in the areas you need it most. Go ahead, you’ll love the results! Giving is like flying. When you learn to let go of what you’re clinging to and launch out, you will realise, ‘This is how I was born to live!’
Ezek 10–13, Luke 18:31–43, Ps 84, Pro 19:11
That is so true, isn't it? All i have to do to see proof of that, in my life, is look at the relationship that i now have with all three of my wonderful children. 15 months ago, by their own admission, they dreaded having to see me...and now i can't get rid of them! haha Out of all of the changes that i have made to myself, and my life, my relationship with them, and the kind of parent i now am, is the one that gives me the greatest joy.
I spent my last weekend with the bracelet, at home by myself. I figured since Nick had paid for Billy's flight back to New Zealand, i really should share him. All three went off to Nick's for the weekend, and i was left here alone. I did my best to sleep...LOTS...i figured the more i slept, the faster time would go. Yes, i realise that is using the logic of a 5 year old, but i don't care. It worked.
I survived, my last weekend, stuck at home alone. I now have two more sleeps, until the bracelet comes off. At 11am on Wednesday, i am free to get on with the last half of my life.
I cannot wait. It is going to be amazing.
August 28, 2010
Maybe i will come back
lol
I am missing posting the little emails that i receive every day. Copying and pasting them on here, seemed to help me take them in, more than just reading them does. I don't think about the advice that is given, in those emails as much when i just quickly read them, then move on to the next email.
hmmmm...on that note...LOOK WHOSE BACK!
I am missing posting the little emails that i receive every day. Copying and pasting them on here, seemed to help me take them in, more than just reading them does. I don't think about the advice that is given, in those emails as much when i just quickly read them, then move on to the next email.
hmmmm...on that note...LOOK WHOSE BACK!
August 19, 2010
Goodbye
This is the end of my blog.
In eleven days, i get my life back. In eleven days, i can put all of my mistakes entirely behind me, and get on with my life.
I am not the same person that i was my whole life, before i involved myself in that hideous world. I am not the same person that made all those mistakes.
I am a better person now. I am happier and healthier than i ever imagined possible...even before my terrible choices.
My blog helped me heal my life. It helped me let everything out. It made me feel like i was not completely alone, during the loneliest time of my life.
I have a life that is full of wonderful people now. I have other things to focus on, and an awesome future to concentrate on now. I want those things to be private. I don't need to encourage myself to live a life that i am proud of now, by writing in here. That comes naturally these days.
The end.
In eleven days, i get my life back. In eleven days, i can put all of my mistakes entirely behind me, and get on with my life.
I am not the same person that i was my whole life, before i involved myself in that hideous world. I am not the same person that made all those mistakes.
I am a better person now. I am happier and healthier than i ever imagined possible...even before my terrible choices.
My blog helped me heal my life. It helped me let everything out. It made me feel like i was not completely alone, during the loneliest time of my life.
I have a life that is full of wonderful people now. I have other things to focus on, and an awesome future to concentrate on now. I want those things to be private. I don't need to encourage myself to live a life that i am proud of now, by writing in here. That comes naturally these days.
The end.
Letting go of shame
Shame is that dark, powerful, feeling that holds us back. Yes, shame can stop us from acting inappropriately. But many of us have learned to attach shame to healthy behaviours that are in our best interest.
In dysfunctional families, shame can be tagged to healthy behaviours such as talking about feelings, making choices, taking care of ourselves, having fun, being successful, or even feeling good about ourselves.
Shame may have been attached to asking for what we want and need, to communicating directly and honestly, and to giving and receiving love.
Sometimes shame disguises itself as fear, rage, indifference, or a need to run and hide. But if it feels dark, and makes us feel bad about being who we are, it's probably shame.
Learn to identify shame. When we recognise it, we can begin to let go of it. We can love and accept ourselves - starting now.
We have a right to be, to be here, to be who we are. And we don't ever have to let shame tell us any differently.
Today, i will attack and conquer the shame in my life.
I don't do shame. Thank God for that. Not sure how i would have survived the past week, if i did. I have let go of all the shame that i used to live with, day in and day out...and now, i just don't behave in a way that i am ashamed of. Problem solved.
Someone who had been reading my blog, emailed me yesterday, and laughed about how i said that i do my best to take my dad's advice and never do or say anything that i would not want on the front page of a newspaper. haha...Who would have thought that i actually WOULD end up there?
I am just glad that i started taking my dad's advice when i did. Better late than never!
It's a sunny, yet windy and cold day outside. I stayed up til midnight last night, catching up on my housework that had suffered all week. Today, i think i will mow the overgrown field that has become my yard. The grass is so long that i am going to struggle to pick up all of Nixon's business....nice one.
Yuck.
August 18, 2010
Empowered forgiveness - apologies
Once again, i have no choice to believe that God communicates with me via my email. haha Call me crazy...whatever...i have been called far worse in my lifetime, and in the past week, than crazy.We say "It’s okay," when somebody has wronged us which energetically is allowing for the behavior to happen again.
In life there will always be times when we are affected by the actions of another person. When this happens, we often receive an apology. More often than not we say, "It’s alright," or " It’s okay," and by saying this we are allowing, accepting, and giving permission for the behavior to happen again. When we say "thank you," or "I accept your apology," we are forced to sit in our feelings rather than ignore them.
There are many of us who feel that it is easier to brush off how we really feel than to express our discomfort with something that has happened to us. While this may initially seem like the best thing to do, what it really does is put us into an unending pattern of behavior; since we are not honest with another person, we continue the cycle of letting them overstep our emotional limits time and time again. By doing this we place ourselves in the position of victim. We can put an end to this karmic chain by first acknowledging to the other person that we accept their request for forgiveness; often a simple “thank you” is enough. To truly create a greater sense of harmony in our relationship, however, we need to gently, and with compassion, express our innermost concerns about what has transpired. By taking a deep breath and calling upon the deepest parts of our spirit, we can usually find the right words to say and verbalize them in a way that lets the other person recognize the consequences of what they have done.
If we can remember that our response to others is important, we can begin to realize that trust and forgiveness go hand in hand. And when we react in a way that engenders a greater amount of honesty and candor, we will establish a more positive and empowering way of being and interacting others. ~ The Daily OM
I can handle it. I love it.
I have accepted many apologies, this past week. I have done a lot of forgiving. That has been easy. I have gotten used to forgiving people, in the past 15 or so months. I hold no anger or hate towards anyone, and i don't intend on starting now. I experienced enough hate and anger in the first 37 years of my life, for a whole lifetime. The last half of my life, is having NONE.
Of that, i am positive.
The most important part of the above message, to me, is the reminder that when we apologise for something, and someone accepts our apology, that acceptance does not mean that our behaviour was ok. It means that person holds no anger towards us. It means that person forgives us. It does not mean that it is ok to continue that pattern of behaviour though.
So, to all of the people that continue to send me nasty emails full of hate and anger that is so obviously directed at certain people - I apologised to people for believing rumours. I apologised to them for not trusting what they were telling me, and believing the word of people that want to hurt them, over their word. I apologised for reacting to gossip and malicious lies, without giving them a chance to refute any of the information that i was being fed.
I apologised because i had been wrong. I meant that apology. Which means that i have promised to not repeat the mistake again. I will not be playing your silly games again.
My only concern is for all of the children that are involved in this situation.
On that note, i have been so tired today, after broken sleeps, and not eating properly this past week, that i just woke up from the hugest nanna nap, and was so disorientated that it took me five minutes to work out what time of day it was. I have not had a nap like that, during the day, in a long time.
I better get moving. Food shopping day. Gross. Old ladies and Asian trolley drivers in Foodtown better beware of me today!
August 17, 2010
Healing thoughts
Think healing thoughts.I am so tired tonight. Just exhausted, and struggling to stay positive. I think, maybe everything has caught up with me.
When we feel anger or resentment, ask God to help you feel it, learn from it, and then release it. Ask him to bless those whom you feel your anger toward. Ask him to bless you too.
When you feel fear, ask him to take it from you. When you feel misery, force gratitude. When you feel deprived, know that there is enough.
When you feel ashamed, reassure yourself that who you are is okay. You are good enough.
When you doubt your timing, or your present position in life, assure yourself that all is well; you are right where you are meant to be. Reassure yourself that others are too.
When you ponder the future, tell yourself that it will be good. When you look back at the past, relinquish regrets.
When you notice problems, affirm there will be a timely solution and a gift from the new problem.
When you resist feelings or thoughts, practice acceptance. When you feel discomfort, know it will pass. When you identify a want or a need, tell yourself it will be met.
When you worry about those you love, ask God to protect and to care for them. When you worry about yourself, ask him to do the same.
When you think about others, think love. When you think about yourself, think love. Then watch your thoughts transform reality.
Today, i will think healing thoughts.
To the Wanganui Chronicle - I am not a prostitute, and i would prefer it if you did not refer to me as that again. I will be expecting an apology and a correction regarding that as soon as possible please. Considering i am stuck at home with my ankle bracelet, and very few people even know where i live, i think suggesting that i am still a prostitute, after how hard i have worked to change my life...is absolutely repulsive.
I do not deserve such lies to be told about me. Does the truth about my past not give you enough to work with? You have to make up lies about my present?
Low life gutter level journalism at it's best.
Goodnight.
Wonderful
Now ;)
I heard this song, while driving my car, on the day that i decided to change my life. That is how my blog got it's name.
Wonderful now...those words were angry words 15 months ago, because i never thought that i could get back everything that i had before.
I never would have believed how truly wonderful things would be for me again, just over a year later.
I am one very blessed individual.
A new approach - taking a break from what you are doing
Sometimes we need to step back from what occupies our minds and take a break much like touching the reset button.
Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in our thoughts that we wind up going round in round in circles, finding it difficult to concentrate on things and, because we are so distracted, not really accomplishing much. There may be signals—mental, emotional, and physical—that tell us we need to slow down and relax. Since we are so involved in things that are external to us, however, we may easily overlook what is really going on inside of us. It is during these times that we need to step back from the things that occupy our minds and take time out to connect with our inner self, giving our minds, bodies, and spirits the time they need to reenergize and heal.
At first it may seem that by taking a break we may not be as productive as we would initially like. In reality, a healthy period of rest is something that gives us a real sense of the unlimited nature of our true potential. Spending a couple of minutes walking outside, doing a few yoga poses, meditating, or simply becoming attuned to the rising and falling of our breath enables us to let go of our worries. This act brings our focus back to the things that are truly essential for us, such as our sense of oneness with the universe and our inner peace and well-being. As we begin to get in touch with this part of ourselves, we will find that our usual everyday troubles and worries become less critical and that we not only have much more room in our lives to really reflect on the issues that mean the most to us, but we are also able bring to all the situations we encounter a much more positive and healthy outlook.
Giving ourselves respite from our daily concerns is like giving a gift to ourselves. By stepping away from the problems that seem to saturate our thoughts, we lessen the weight of our troubles and instead become more receptive to the wisdom and answers the universe has to offer us. ~ The Daily OM
Learn to value others
‘...love your neighbour...’ Mark 12:31 NKJV
I like that one.
I have been reminded today, after looking in the mirror this morning, how stress always makes me lose weight. Eating is the first thing that i seem to forget, when i get preoccupied with stressful situations. I have always been like that. Some people comfort eat, and pig out when they are sad or down...i do the opposite.
I am going to spend my day working in the garden, listening to my favourite tunes on the ipod.
Have i ever mentioned that Steve Perry, and Journey were one of the first concerts that i ever went to as a teenager? In good old Boise Idaho, back in like 1985. I have huh? haha
I love that song.
There are two things we should never do: First, to expect to feel fully at home in this world, because ‘...we are citizens of Heaven...’ (Philippians 3:20 NLT), and second, to become so Heavenly minded that we are no earthly use. The ‘salt’ and ‘light’ principles Jesus taught call for us to influence and illuminate others for good and for God.
That means taking responsibility to do things better at home, on the job, and in all our dealings. If the only people you show genuine care for are in your church, your salt isn’t flavouring and your light isn’t dispelling darkness. Christ’s command to ‘Love your neighbour’ includes the less–than–lovable. And you only love others when you add value to their lives! You may ask, ‘How do I do that?’ Here are four suggestions.
First, by truly valuing them. That calls for believing in them before they believe in you, serving them before they serve you, loving them before they love you, and giving to them without expecting anything in return.
Second, by making yourself more valuable. You can’t give what you don’t have, so you must earn and grow in order to give and guide.
Third, by knowing what they value. What happens when you’re interested only in your own agenda? You know very little about the people around you. Make others’ priorities your priorities. Ask to hear their stories. Discover their hopes and dreams. Make their success part of your mission.
Finally, by doing things that God values. When your life is done, what will you have lived for? Eventually, everything on earth will turn to dust— including you! So give yourself to things that will last beyond your lifetime.
Judges 12–15, Luke 14:15–24, Ps 119:81–88, Pro 17:27–28
I like that one.
I have been reminded today, after looking in the mirror this morning, how stress always makes me lose weight. Eating is the first thing that i seem to forget, when i get preoccupied with stressful situations. I have always been like that. Some people comfort eat, and pig out when they are sad or down...i do the opposite.
I am going to spend my day working in the garden, listening to my favourite tunes on the ipod.
Have i ever mentioned that Steve Perry, and Journey were one of the first concerts that i ever went to as a teenager? In good old Boise Idaho, back in like 1985. I have huh? haha
I love that song.
August 16, 2010
Work from your core strengths
‘...Bring me seventy… who are known… as leaders...’ Numbers 11:16 NIV
The girls have gone to Nick's for the night. All is quiet here. Nixon and i are in bed already...at 7pm! It is catch up on lost sleep time for us.
Two weeks, and two days to go. I can't believe it.
A group of neighbourhood children built a treehouse and formed their own club. When the grown–ups were told who had been selected for each office, they were astonished to hear that a four year old boy had been elected president. ‘He must be a born leader,’ one dad observed. ‘How did it happen that all you bigger boys voted for him?’
His son replied, ‘Well, he can’t very well be secretary because he doesn’t know how to read or write. He couldn’t be treasurer because he can’t count. He would never do for sergeant–at–arms because he’s too little to throw anybody out. If we didn’t choose him for anything, he’d feel bad. So we made him president.’
Life doesn’t work that way! You don’t become successful by default; instead, you must work from your God–given strengths. In life, your purpose is always connected to your giftedness. God doesn’t call you to do something you’ve no talent for. God told Moses, ‘Bring me seventy… who are known to you as leaders.’
You cannot grow to your full potential if you continually work outside your core strengths. Improvement is always related to ability. Do you know what happens when you spend all your time working on your weaknesses, and never develop your strengths? If you work really hard you could claw your way up to mediocrity, but you’ll never get beyond it.
Economic necessity and family responsibility may require you to work for a season outside the area of your core strengths, but don’t settle there. Seek God’s guidance, sharpen your gifts, be patient, and God will open doors for you.
Jdg 9:34 – 11:40, Ecc 5:4–6, Lk 14:1–14, Ps 119:73–80, Pro 20:25
The girls have gone to Nick's for the night. All is quiet here. Nixon and i are in bed already...at 7pm! It is catch up on lost sleep time for us.
Two weeks, and two days to go. I can't believe it.
All is well, that ends well
My only concern, since Friday, has been how this mess would effect my children.
I am proud to report that i have just collected them from school, and they are happier than ever. Only a couple of their friends, even heard about the whole drama. I am very, very grateful for the wonderful, and supportive group of friends that both my girls have.
They are so much back to being their normal selves, in fact...that they are driving me insane again with their screeching teenage noise.
I have spoken to Jonathan Marshall from the Sunday Star Times this afternoon, and the misunderstanding regarding the reporting of me having been arrested in December has been sorted out, and i believe this was a genuine mistake.
That error stemmed from when i was originally arrested in June. Those charges of allowing my vehicle to be used, and possessing a pipe, were part of my arrest in June 2009. Those particular charges were then dropped in December, when i plead guilty to the more serious charge that i was facing at the time.
A correction will be made in next Sunday's, Sunday Star Times stating that i have never been arrested again, since June 2009.
I will never be arrested for anything. Ever again.
I do believe this was an honest mistake on Jonathan Marshall's part, and can now understand how the confusion happened. I won't be making any complaint regarding that error...i would just like it fixed. He is doing that for me...so all is good.
I actually feel, that other than the HOS being so low and nasty as to contact all my family in the States...that the media have been pretty ok to me. I would have preferred that they had just left me alone...but i guess they are just doing their jobs.
All is well that ends well.
Life goes on...and i am just lucky that mine is so bloody wonderful these days.
I am proud to report that i have just collected them from school, and they are happier than ever. Only a couple of their friends, even heard about the whole drama. I am very, very grateful for the wonderful, and supportive group of friends that both my girls have.
They are so much back to being their normal selves, in fact...that they are driving me insane again with their screeching teenage noise.
I have spoken to Jonathan Marshall from the Sunday Star Times this afternoon, and the misunderstanding regarding the reporting of me having been arrested in December has been sorted out, and i believe this was a genuine mistake.
That error stemmed from when i was originally arrested in June. Those charges of allowing my vehicle to be used, and possessing a pipe, were part of my arrest in June 2009. Those particular charges were then dropped in December, when i plead guilty to the more serious charge that i was facing at the time.
A correction will be made in next Sunday's, Sunday Star Times stating that i have never been arrested again, since June 2009.
I will never be arrested for anything. Ever again.
I do believe this was an honest mistake on Jonathan Marshall's part, and can now understand how the confusion happened. I won't be making any complaint regarding that error...i would just like it fixed. He is doing that for me...so all is good.
I actually feel, that other than the HOS being so low and nasty as to contact all my family in the States...that the media have been pretty ok to me. I would have preferred that they had just left me alone...but i guess they are just doing their jobs.
All is well that ends well.
Life goes on...and i am just lucky that mine is so bloody wonderful these days.
I really don't know what to say...cont
Long story short ~ The media had no story. Threats and false accusations of text messages or emails being shared had created this story. Instead of just realising that they did not have a story, the media decided that they needed to create one. So i was it.
Instead of being accurately described as an awesome person, who made terrible mistakes, but spends every single day of her life now, attempting to live a life that she is proud of, and do the best thing every single day of her life, for her children...I am described as "Ex P addict and prostitute."
The disgusting behaviour of the people that are so filled with hate, and so obsessed with Michael that they neglect their own problems and lives, are what drove Michael and I apart...and it is because of those same people, and the media, that Michael and i are now friends.
He has been a huge source of strength to me over the weekend. I don't know how i would have handled the media banging on my front door, phoning me non stop, emailing myself, as well as all my family, hounding Nick and his family...without his support.
I think what the media failed to realise, at the beginning of all of this, is that i have no secrets in my life. I am very, very open and honest about my past, my recovery, and the changes that i have made to become the healthy, and happy person that i am today.
The media did not stop to think that maybe i had already been through enough in my lifetime, and that someone who uses every ounce of energy that she has trying to remain positive and continue to become a better person than i was the day before, did not need this attention that could have potentially caused me enough stress to set me back.
This time, 15 months ago, I was standing on the Grafton Bridge, next to the Southern Cross Building, about to jump. I no longer wanted to live. I could not handle the shame that my life had become anymore. I could not handle the depression that methamphetamine had caused me to live with every day, although at the time i did not realise that it was the drug that was causing the depression. I felt as though i could not face another day, because for the previous year, every single day had been worse than the one before it. I believed that i was too far gone down a dark road to ever be able to get back to any kind of normal life. I hated every single drug addict, dealer, prostitute, in my life (and those were the only people that i had in my life) but i felt that i could not get away from them. I had never experienced that level of hopelessness before in my life. It was unbearable.
I was standing there though, and there was a voice in my head that said to me..."You need to fix this" ....it told me that i needed to get off that drug, and away from the people that i had in my life, and if life was still that bad, and that hopeless after doing that, THEN i could jump...but that i had to try first.
I listened to that voice...and i walked back down the hill to my apartment in Normanby Road.
I turned my phone off. I never turned it back on again. I never touched that drug again. I suffered weeks worth of withdrawals, alone in that apartment, with no one for support or help. That was how my blog originally came about. It was my only friend.
I spent 2 weeks sleeping, and crying, and resisting thoughts of suicide. At one stage i did not move from my bed for 5 days. Not even to shower. A few weeks later, i disappeared from my apartment. I did not even tell anyone that i was moving. I did not say goodbye to anyone that i knew from that world. I just disappeared. I have never regretted that. There is not one person from that life, that i miss, or that i would allow into my life now.
That drug is the most evil thing on this earth. It took every single ounce of strength that i could muster to recover from it. I had never touched any illegal substance before that drug, not even as a teenager. I never even smoked marijuana really...tried it once at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert back in 2002 and did not like it. I have always been very very, anti drugs. My whole life. Yet when i tried methamphetamine, i could not get enough. It consumed me, and my whole life, and the lives of the people that i love.
The whole time i was addicted to it, i was told that recovery from it was impossible.
I am proof that, that is a lie. I have done it. Nothing could ever set me back. Not even the events of this past weekend.
The media did not know that about me though. Yet they chose to try to "out" my past, and shame me. They chose to contact my family in America, in the hope that my family were not aware of everything that i had been through. They did their best to dig up as much dirt as they could on me, and even printed things that were untrue. They did this knowing, what i have recovered from, and did not care about the potential setback to my life that they might cause.
They gave no thought whatsoever, to how my teenage daughters were going to cope, facing their friends at school today. The only thing the media cared about, was creating a story, because they did not have one.
Throughout the weekend, i have received hundreds of emails from people, friends as well as absolute strangers, offering me so much love and support that i have no choice but to believe that there is by far more kindness in this world, than there ever will be, hate.
These messages always arrived just when i needed them most. They lifted me up all weekend, whenever i started to break down. Yesterday, Nicole was crying...just as she was crying to me, i received an email from Dom Harvey, from the Edge...telling me to stay strong, saying he was scratching his head over exactly what the story was, and telling me that it will pass. Nicole and Jorgia, are the hugest fans of The Morning Madhouse. Nicole read that message from one of her idols, as she cried...and stopped crying. His words, blowing off the story, arrived when Nicole needed them...and today she was fine.
All weekend, i have said to myself, that God works in mysterious ways. Just like those messages always arrived just when we needed them, i truly believe that there is a reason this past weekend happened. More people have heard about my recovery from that drug, in the past 48 hours, than 15 months of blogging about it reached.
So in the end...who looks bad?
The Media do....right along with the slimy, scumbag, liars that are out to get Michael. This man, Jevan Goulter, is supposedly running for Mayor of Wanganui, yet rather than focus on the good things that he could do for the community down there, he spent all weekend trying to get his name in the national media, and focusing on his hate for a man that is not even running again, so should not even be a concern of his.
So Jevan, you spoke to the media on Saturday night...and posted photos of you on the phone with them all over your facebook page, you lied, and created drama all weekend, just to get your name into the national media.
That is all this was about folks, and he did it. He got a brief mention in the HOS story, and unless you knew the moron, you would not have even noticed it.
Was it worth it Jevan? Was the hurt that you caused innocent people worth it...to have your pathetic name...not even your real name in the media? By the way...why don't you use your real name anymore? HAMISH? What is wrong with the name HAMISH? It is a lot better than that one you have made up.
Anyway....in the end...The media allowed this moron Jevan to use them, and in the process make a fool of them. I hope the media learns a lesson from this and ignores the attention seeking moron, from now on.
All is well that ends well.
Myself and my children will be OK.
The message that methamphetamine is possible to recover from has been spread all weekend. Not one person who is addicted to that drug is hopeless. There is ALWAYS hope. You are never too far gone down that dark road. There is ALWAYS a u turn option, no matter how hopeless you feel right now. I am proof.
Michael and i are now friends, and i have a new respect for him. Any man that can deal with what i had to deal with this weekend, every day of his life, deserves respect. The media are relentless. I also have respect for Leo and what she must have gone through during their relationship.
The media and Jevan Goulter look like sleazy morons with nothing better to do with their lives than feed off filth that does not even exist.
Laws / Sperling - got out their can of whip ass on the media and the scum that loathe Michael.
Jevan Goulter - Placed himself as an auction on Trademe and went back to worrying about the Miss Wanganui Crown
The media - look like the tossers that give no consideration to anyone, not even children, in their efforts to report sleaze, and then make it up when they have none, that they are.
That my friends...is the end.
For someone who did not know what to say...i sure said a lot!
Instead of being accurately described as an awesome person, who made terrible mistakes, but spends every single day of her life now, attempting to live a life that she is proud of, and do the best thing every single day of her life, for her children...I am described as "Ex P addict and prostitute."
The disgusting behaviour of the people that are so filled with hate, and so obsessed with Michael that they neglect their own problems and lives, are what drove Michael and I apart...and it is because of those same people, and the media, that Michael and i are now friends.
He has been a huge source of strength to me over the weekend. I don't know how i would have handled the media banging on my front door, phoning me non stop, emailing myself, as well as all my family, hounding Nick and his family...without his support.
I think what the media failed to realise, at the beginning of all of this, is that i have no secrets in my life. I am very, very open and honest about my past, my recovery, and the changes that i have made to become the healthy, and happy person that i am today.
The media did not stop to think that maybe i had already been through enough in my lifetime, and that someone who uses every ounce of energy that she has trying to remain positive and continue to become a better person than i was the day before, did not need this attention that could have potentially caused me enough stress to set me back.
This time, 15 months ago, I was standing on the Grafton Bridge, next to the Southern Cross Building, about to jump. I no longer wanted to live. I could not handle the shame that my life had become anymore. I could not handle the depression that methamphetamine had caused me to live with every day, although at the time i did not realise that it was the drug that was causing the depression. I felt as though i could not face another day, because for the previous year, every single day had been worse than the one before it. I believed that i was too far gone down a dark road to ever be able to get back to any kind of normal life. I hated every single drug addict, dealer, prostitute, in my life (and those were the only people that i had in my life) but i felt that i could not get away from them. I had never experienced that level of hopelessness before in my life. It was unbearable.
I was standing there though, and there was a voice in my head that said to me..."You need to fix this" ....it told me that i needed to get off that drug, and away from the people that i had in my life, and if life was still that bad, and that hopeless after doing that, THEN i could jump...but that i had to try first.
I listened to that voice...and i walked back down the hill to my apartment in Normanby Road.
I turned my phone off. I never turned it back on again. I never touched that drug again. I suffered weeks worth of withdrawals, alone in that apartment, with no one for support or help. That was how my blog originally came about. It was my only friend.
I spent 2 weeks sleeping, and crying, and resisting thoughts of suicide. At one stage i did not move from my bed for 5 days. Not even to shower. A few weeks later, i disappeared from my apartment. I did not even tell anyone that i was moving. I did not say goodbye to anyone that i knew from that world. I just disappeared. I have never regretted that. There is not one person from that life, that i miss, or that i would allow into my life now.
That drug is the most evil thing on this earth. It took every single ounce of strength that i could muster to recover from it. I had never touched any illegal substance before that drug, not even as a teenager. I never even smoked marijuana really...tried it once at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert back in 2002 and did not like it. I have always been very very, anti drugs. My whole life. Yet when i tried methamphetamine, i could not get enough. It consumed me, and my whole life, and the lives of the people that i love.
The whole time i was addicted to it, i was told that recovery from it was impossible.
I am proof that, that is a lie. I have done it. Nothing could ever set me back. Not even the events of this past weekend.
The media did not know that about me though. Yet they chose to try to "out" my past, and shame me. They chose to contact my family in America, in the hope that my family were not aware of everything that i had been through. They did their best to dig up as much dirt as they could on me, and even printed things that were untrue. They did this knowing, what i have recovered from, and did not care about the potential setback to my life that they might cause.
They gave no thought whatsoever, to how my teenage daughters were going to cope, facing their friends at school today. The only thing the media cared about, was creating a story, because they did not have one.
Throughout the weekend, i have received hundreds of emails from people, friends as well as absolute strangers, offering me so much love and support that i have no choice but to believe that there is by far more kindness in this world, than there ever will be, hate.
These messages always arrived just when i needed them most. They lifted me up all weekend, whenever i started to break down. Yesterday, Nicole was crying...just as she was crying to me, i received an email from Dom Harvey, from the Edge...telling me to stay strong, saying he was scratching his head over exactly what the story was, and telling me that it will pass. Nicole and Jorgia, are the hugest fans of The Morning Madhouse. Nicole read that message from one of her idols, as she cried...and stopped crying. His words, blowing off the story, arrived when Nicole needed them...and today she was fine.
All weekend, i have said to myself, that God works in mysterious ways. Just like those messages always arrived just when we needed them, i truly believe that there is a reason this past weekend happened. More people have heard about my recovery from that drug, in the past 48 hours, than 15 months of blogging about it reached.
So in the end...who looks bad?
The Media do....right along with the slimy, scumbag, liars that are out to get Michael. This man, Jevan Goulter, is supposedly running for Mayor of Wanganui, yet rather than focus on the good things that he could do for the community down there, he spent all weekend trying to get his name in the national media, and focusing on his hate for a man that is not even running again, so should not even be a concern of his.
So Jevan, you spoke to the media on Saturday night...and posted photos of you on the phone with them all over your facebook page, you lied, and created drama all weekend, just to get your name into the national media.
That is all this was about folks, and he did it. He got a brief mention in the HOS story, and unless you knew the moron, you would not have even noticed it.
Was it worth it Jevan? Was the hurt that you caused innocent people worth it...to have your pathetic name...not even your real name in the media? By the way...why don't you use your real name anymore? HAMISH? What is wrong with the name HAMISH? It is a lot better than that one you have made up.
Anyway....in the end...The media allowed this moron Jevan to use them, and in the process make a fool of them. I hope the media learns a lesson from this and ignores the attention seeking moron, from now on.
All is well that ends well.
Myself and my children will be OK.
The message that methamphetamine is possible to recover from has been spread all weekend. Not one person who is addicted to that drug is hopeless. There is ALWAYS hope. You are never too far gone down that dark road. There is ALWAYS a u turn option, no matter how hopeless you feel right now. I am proof.
Michael and i are now friends, and i have a new respect for him. Any man that can deal with what i had to deal with this weekend, every day of his life, deserves respect. The media are relentless. I also have respect for Leo and what she must have gone through during their relationship.
The media and Jevan Goulter look like sleazy morons with nothing better to do with their lives than feed off filth that does not even exist.
Laws / Sperling - got out their can of whip ass on the media and the scum that loathe Michael.
Jevan Goulter - Placed himself as an auction on Trademe and went back to worrying about the Miss Wanganui Crown
The media - look like the tossers that give no consideration to anyone, not even children, in their efforts to report sleaze, and then make it up when they have none, that they are.
That my friends...is the end.
For someone who did not know what to say...i sure said a lot!
August 15, 2010
I really don't know what to say
God will never put us through something that he does not know that we can handle? I am struggling with that concept right now.
There is so much that has been falsely reported, and quoted, that i have no choice to believe that the media can be told anything by anyone, and just go ahead and print it and check later...then expect a little apology or correction to be sufficient - a week later.
Every day, i struggle with the guilt that i feel for setting such a terrible example for my daughters, by making such dreadful choices. I manage that guilt, and manage to live with myself, and be the happy and healthy person that i now am, by living up to the promise that i made myself 15 months ago, to always live a life that i am proud of and set a good example for my children.
That example, includes the relationships that i have in my life. I have had two failed marriages. While i make no excuses, and blame no one for my choices, it was the end of my second marriage, and the total lack of any sense of self worth that i had because of that marriage breakdown, that landed me in the situation that i landed my self in 2 years ago.
Because of that, and the fact that i will never again let myself be in a situation where i will be at risk of relapsing, i cannot have another unhealthy or destructive relationship in my life. The example that i want to set for my children is that it is better to be alone, than with someone that is not right. If that means that i grow old alone. So be it. I am fine with that.
It is because of wanting to set that example for my children, that i ended what had up until just over a week ago...been something good in my life. I made a mistake. I believed rumours and gossip, and without giving anyone a chance to defend himself, or explain. I ended it.
Jevan Goulter (who for some reason is obsessed with Michael and wanks off over media attention ) 1 Jackie Sperling - Nil
This slimeball and joke of a Mayoral Candidate down in Wanganui, and his cronies, then spend all week telling me about the awful things that Michael is saying about me on his Facebook page ( i cannot see them as i have removed and blocked Michael in order to just move on and forget ) until i got angry and sick of it enough to have a slight meltdown, and passed the email exchange where i ended the relationship on to a friend...asking where did i go wrong? How could i have tried to make this any more amicable than i had? I also fibbed and said my hammer fell on a watch that had been left at my home. Sometimes letting out a bit of anger helps. By the way, the watch is in one piece and has been returned. That email exchange however, was hardly newsworthy.
So i spend a day or so venting...and then i go back to my normal self. I believe it is all over, and i just go back to focusing on what is important to me in my life. Being the change that i want to see in mine, and my children's lives.
By the way...angry meltdown on Facebook page, because i listened to crazy people who are obsessed with their hatred for Michael, pretty much puts the score at ...
Jevan Goulter - 2 Jackie Sperling - Nil
Oh dear...i am losing.
OK, so now i am back to being happy again. Until i turn on my tv to watch the news on Friday night, and i see Michael talking about, who i can only assume is me...saying that salacious text messages of his were about to be leaked because of an affair that he has had, with someone in Auckland. My first thought was that the liars and gossip mongers had forgotten to tell me about his other women in Auckland. ( the other relationships that i had been told he was having were with women in Wanganui and surrounding areas haha ) ... but the background stuff was a bit close to home.
So i kinda got really upset. I cried. No...i bawled my eyes out. While i was bawling my eyes out, Fairfax Media phone me, and tell me that they know it is me, and that i am going to be named and do i have anything to say?
I am pretty proud of myself that in my blubbering state...all i could come up with, to say bad about Michael, was that he was pushy, and talked about himself too much. There was a time in my life when i had a lot of anger inside me, and would not have handled this so well. I don't have that anger inside me anymore though...and pushy was about the best insult i could come up with for Michael, even when hurt and angry. I love that change in me.
I could not work out how, or who would have any of our text messages or emails, that would be of any interest to anyone. I knew that i had not shared anything thrilling with anyone...not even close friends. I assumed that if anything had been leaked...Michael either did it himself, or he had been completely bluffed, and fell for it.
It took me a few hours, but eventually i text Michael and told him that i had never and would never have leaked anything. So i guess this is where again, communication broke down. Had he contacted me, and asked me, instead of going to the media, then he would have known that i would never have done that. But, i guess i did not grant him the luxury of answering to the rumours that i had heard, so he hardly owed me that same favour in return.
Jevan Goulter - 1 Laws -Nil
So now there is this huge sex scandal, that even put my face on TV, as a headline on the 6 o clock news...
TV3 - FAIL ...we won't even bother keeping score for you anymore.
I will finish this later. I am hungry, for the first time since Friday.
There is so much that has been falsely reported, and quoted, that i have no choice to believe that the media can be told anything by anyone, and just go ahead and print it and check later...then expect a little apology or correction to be sufficient - a week later.
Every day, i struggle with the guilt that i feel for setting such a terrible example for my daughters, by making such dreadful choices. I manage that guilt, and manage to live with myself, and be the happy and healthy person that i now am, by living up to the promise that i made myself 15 months ago, to always live a life that i am proud of and set a good example for my children.
That example, includes the relationships that i have in my life. I have had two failed marriages. While i make no excuses, and blame no one for my choices, it was the end of my second marriage, and the total lack of any sense of self worth that i had because of that marriage breakdown, that landed me in the situation that i landed my self in 2 years ago.
Because of that, and the fact that i will never again let myself be in a situation where i will be at risk of relapsing, i cannot have another unhealthy or destructive relationship in my life. The example that i want to set for my children is that it is better to be alone, than with someone that is not right. If that means that i grow old alone. So be it. I am fine with that.
It is because of wanting to set that example for my children, that i ended what had up until just over a week ago...been something good in my life. I made a mistake. I believed rumours and gossip, and without giving anyone a chance to defend himself, or explain. I ended it.
Jevan Goulter (who for some reason is obsessed with Michael and wanks off over media attention ) 1 Jackie Sperling - Nil
This slimeball and joke of a Mayoral Candidate down in Wanganui, and his cronies, then spend all week telling me about the awful things that Michael is saying about me on his Facebook page ( i cannot see them as i have removed and blocked Michael in order to just move on and forget ) until i got angry and sick of it enough to have a slight meltdown, and passed the email exchange where i ended the relationship on to a friend...asking where did i go wrong? How could i have tried to make this any more amicable than i had? I also fibbed and said my hammer fell on a watch that had been left at my home. Sometimes letting out a bit of anger helps. By the way, the watch is in one piece and has been returned. That email exchange however, was hardly newsworthy.
So i spend a day or so venting...and then i go back to my normal self. I believe it is all over, and i just go back to focusing on what is important to me in my life. Being the change that i want to see in mine, and my children's lives.
By the way...angry meltdown on Facebook page, because i listened to crazy people who are obsessed with their hatred for Michael, pretty much puts the score at ...
Jevan Goulter - 2 Jackie Sperling - Nil
Oh dear...i am losing.
OK, so now i am back to being happy again. Until i turn on my tv to watch the news on Friday night, and i see Michael talking about, who i can only assume is me...saying that salacious text messages of his were about to be leaked because of an affair that he has had, with someone in Auckland. My first thought was that the liars and gossip mongers had forgotten to tell me about his other women in Auckland. ( the other relationships that i had been told he was having were with women in Wanganui and surrounding areas haha ) ... but the background stuff was a bit close to home.
So i kinda got really upset. I cried. No...i bawled my eyes out. While i was bawling my eyes out, Fairfax Media phone me, and tell me that they know it is me, and that i am going to be named and do i have anything to say?
I am pretty proud of myself that in my blubbering state...all i could come up with, to say bad about Michael, was that he was pushy, and talked about himself too much. There was a time in my life when i had a lot of anger inside me, and would not have handled this so well. I don't have that anger inside me anymore though...and pushy was about the best insult i could come up with for Michael, even when hurt and angry. I love that change in me.
I could not work out how, or who would have any of our text messages or emails, that would be of any interest to anyone. I knew that i had not shared anything thrilling with anyone...not even close friends. I assumed that if anything had been leaked...Michael either did it himself, or he had been completely bluffed, and fell for it.
It took me a few hours, but eventually i text Michael and told him that i had never and would never have leaked anything. So i guess this is where again, communication broke down. Had he contacted me, and asked me, instead of going to the media, then he would have known that i would never have done that. But, i guess i did not grant him the luxury of answering to the rumours that i had heard, so he hardly owed me that same favour in return.
Jevan Goulter - 1 Laws -Nil
So now there is this huge sex scandal, that even put my face on TV, as a headline on the 6 o clock news...
The woman at the centre of the Michael Laws sex scandal is former P addict and prostitute Jacqueline SperlingThat was it. The whole story!
TV3 - FAIL ...we won't even bother keeping score for you anymore.
I will finish this later. I am hungry, for the first time since Friday.
This is how desperate the Herald on Sunday are right now
They never had a story. They never had leaked text messages or phone calls...so now they are desperately trying to make a story out of this. They have sent the following email to my family members in the States...they have obviously sent this to all of my family...because TRACEY received this with "Hi Monica" at the top.
The stupid woman was not even smart enough to edit the name at the top. THIS is how desperate these monsters are for a story that never existed.
This is the lengths that these people will go to in order to damage people's lives.
The stupid woman was not even smart enough to edit the name at the top. THIS is how desperate these monsters are for a story that never existed.
This is the lengths that these people will go to in order to damage people's lives.
Hi Monica,
My name is Anna Leask and I am a reporter for the Herald on Sunday newspaper in New Zealand.
I am working on a story that involves your sister Jacqueline and hoped to speak to you about it.
The story is about Jacqueline's involvement with a New Zealand politician. She had a relationship with this man, Michael Laws, that ended recently.
The details of the relationship were made public yesterday by Mr Laws and we hoped to speak to Jacqueline, and people who know her, about it.
In an interview today with another newspaper, Jacqueline also outlined her struggle with drugs and her time working as a prostitute. She said she had now turned her life around and was a Christian.
I hoped to ask you if you knew about this relationship and how you reacted when you heard about it?
Also:
Have you heard from Jacqueline and if so how is she doing?
When did you last speak to her and how is she dealing with the publicity over her relationship with Michael?
How has she turned her life around and what did you know about her drug problems and her time as a prostitute?
Are you aware that she is currently on home detention (a home-based sentence for people convicted of crimes) and if so what can you tell us about that?
How have the rest of the family responded to this matter and are you supporting Jacqueline?
What is Jacqueline like as a person and are you proud of the changes she has made in her life?
And would you like to add anything further?
I appreciate that this is a very personal matter for Jacqueline and your family, however I want to make sure everyone has ample opportunity to comment, defend themselves and shed an accurate light on this situation.
I can give you a call if you provide a phone number, otherwise my email address is anna.leask@hos.co.nz or phone 0064 9 373 9339 or 0064 21 242 3909 (cellphone).
Thanks for your time, I really appreciate you considering my request,
Anna Leask
Reporter
Herald on Sunday
Auckland, New Zealand
Dear Sunday Star Times
Sterling, who ran a private escort business from her Howick home until 15 months ago
I lived in Mt Eden...not that it really matters but that is false.
The Manukau District Court was due to hear a review of her sentence in May but Sperling withdrew the application.
I have never requested a review of my sentence. Never. Not once. I have always ALWAYS felt that my sentence was fair and that i wanted my daughters to see me suffer the consequences of the terrible choices that i made.
In December she was arrested for allowing a motor vehicle to be used for drug offending, and possessing a glass pipe. The charges were later withdrawn.
This is absolutely false. There is no truth in this whatsoever. NOT ONE LITTLE BIT. I was arrested ONCE. On June 17th 2009. On July 12th 2009 i disappeared from my apartment, and that life. I have never had any contact with anyone from my past since that day.
I have never, and would never associate with people who do that drug again. I would never put myself in a position where it was even around me. Because of the addictive nature of methamphetamine, i question whether i would be strong enough to decline it, if it was ever offered to me again. I will never put myself in a situation, where i have to make that choice. In December, i plead guilty to my charges, relating to my arrest in June, and the police commented on a presentence report that i was "a very low risk of re-offending." They would not have said that had i just been re-arrested for the charges stated above. EVERYTHING about that is a LIE.
I knew that life was leading me to one of two places. Death or prison. Neither of those places were where i wanted to be. I knew i was better than that life, and the choices that i had made. I am very proud of the fact that i was able to walk away from that life, and not once look back. For this paper to insinuate otherwise...and that i was later arrested on more charges, is despicable, and absolutely false. They WILL be publicly apologising to me for this statement.
The Sunday Star Times will be checking with the courts tomorrow and issuing a correction re the above FALSE information regarding me, that they have been given by some nasty and spiteful...hateful person out there.
I lived in Mt Eden...not that it really matters but that is false.
The Manukau District Court was due to hear a review of her sentence in May but Sperling withdrew the application.
I have never requested a review of my sentence. Never. Not once. I have always ALWAYS felt that my sentence was fair and that i wanted my daughters to see me suffer the consequences of the terrible choices that i made.
In December she was arrested for allowing a motor vehicle to be used for drug offending, and possessing a glass pipe. The charges were later withdrawn.
This is absolutely false. There is no truth in this whatsoever. NOT ONE LITTLE BIT. I was arrested ONCE. On June 17th 2009. On July 12th 2009 i disappeared from my apartment, and that life. I have never had any contact with anyone from my past since that day.
I have never, and would never associate with people who do that drug again. I would never put myself in a position where it was even around me. Because of the addictive nature of methamphetamine, i question whether i would be strong enough to decline it, if it was ever offered to me again. I will never put myself in a situation, where i have to make that choice. In December, i plead guilty to my charges, relating to my arrest in June, and the police commented on a presentence report that i was "a very low risk of re-offending." They would not have said that had i just been re-arrested for the charges stated above. EVERYTHING about that is a LIE.
I knew that life was leading me to one of two places. Death or prison. Neither of those places were where i wanted to be. I knew i was better than that life, and the choices that i had made. I am very proud of the fact that i was able to walk away from that life, and not once look back. For this paper to insinuate otherwise...and that i was later arrested on more charges, is despicable, and absolutely false. They WILL be publicly apologising to me for this statement.
The Sunday Star Times will be checking with the courts tomorrow and issuing a correction re the above FALSE information regarding me, that they have been given by some nasty and spiteful...hateful person out there.
August 14, 2010
Dear Sad Media
Personal statement from Jacqueline Sperling
I am writing this statement to outline the circumstances behind the stories of the past 24 hours relating to my relationship with Michael Laws.
I can confirm that Michael and I met twice as a result of a non romantic discussion upon drug prohibition and addict treatment. I had a unique perspective given a past addiction and my subsequent recovery. I have been very open about the depredations that P addiction causes, and the need to affirm each day as a path to a clean and contributory life.
Neither of us expected to establish the brief relationship we did.
Obviously I took an interest in Michael’s career and entered numerous Facebook discussions relating to his activities.
As a consequence I was introduced to a group of people who loathed Michael and were quite happy to criticise him at every opportunity. Naturally, I defended him on occasion.
As a result, certain people contacted me with information relating to Michael’s private life. This information suggested that Michael had not been completely honest with me. Such was the volume of information, I came to believe some of it and ended all association with him.
I have since discovered that most of this information is false and clearly had malicious intent.
I actually repeated some of these rumours on my Facebook page out of anger. I did not properly appreciate that a Facebook posting is essentially a public posting, rather than just to the friends you are intending to send the message to.
It was lifted from my FB page by certain people and given a twist to directly criticise Michael and some other innocent people. I apologise for providing that opportunity.
As I understand some people reinterpreted what I wrote to suggest some future revenge on my part – the release of private text and e-mails between Michael and myself. I have now examined them and there is nothing particularly salacious in the texts I still have. Yes, some were intimate but they don’t really qualify as “sex-texts”.
I want to make it plain that I have never, and will never, release private correspondence with anyone into the public arena.
As far as I am concerned, this issue is now over although I understand that legal action is being considered by another party.
I will not be making any further comment than is contained in this statement.
Saturday 14 August 2010
I am writing this statement to outline the circumstances behind the stories of the past 24 hours relating to my relationship with Michael Laws.
I can confirm that Michael and I met twice as a result of a non romantic discussion upon drug prohibition and addict treatment. I had a unique perspective given a past addiction and my subsequent recovery. I have been very open about the depredations that P addiction causes, and the need to affirm each day as a path to a clean and contributory life.
Neither of us expected to establish the brief relationship we did.
Obviously I took an interest in Michael’s career and entered numerous Facebook discussions relating to his activities.
As a consequence I was introduced to a group of people who loathed Michael and were quite happy to criticise him at every opportunity. Naturally, I defended him on occasion.
As a result, certain people contacted me with information relating to Michael’s private life. This information suggested that Michael had not been completely honest with me. Such was the volume of information, I came to believe some of it and ended all association with him.
I have since discovered that most of this information is false and clearly had malicious intent.
I actually repeated some of these rumours on my Facebook page out of anger. I did not properly appreciate that a Facebook posting is essentially a public posting, rather than just to the friends you are intending to send the message to.
It was lifted from my FB page by certain people and given a twist to directly criticise Michael and some other innocent people. I apologise for providing that opportunity.
As I understand some people reinterpreted what I wrote to suggest some future revenge on my part – the release of private text and e-mails between Michael and myself. I have now examined them and there is nothing particularly salacious in the texts I still have. Yes, some were intimate but they don’t really qualify as “sex-texts”.
I want to make it plain that I have never, and will never, release private correspondence with anyone into the public arena.
As far as I am concerned, this issue is now over although I understand that legal action is being considered by another party.
I will not be making any further comment than is contained in this statement.
Saturday 14 August 2010
August 13, 2010
A matter of priorties - letting go of the little stuff
When we stop worrying about unimportant matters we can devote more to what is truly important.
We experience numerous disappointments each and every day. Our expectations go unmet, our plans are blocked by circumstance, our wishes go unfulfilled, and we discover that our lives are subject to a myriad of forces beyond our conscious control. In some cases, our response is powerful because we must invest ourselves and our resources to overcome genuine hardship. In others, our reactions are far more passionate than our circumstances likely warrant. The tension that permeates our bodies and minds when we are late for an event, interrupted at work, or sitting in traffic is not inappropriate, but it can interfere with our well-being in profound ways. When we stop worrying about relatively unimportant matters, we can be at peace and devote so much more of ourselves to what is truly important.
The small frustrations and irritations wield such power over us because they rob us of the illusion of control. But every problem is a potential teacher—a confusing situation is an opportunity to practice mindfulness, and difficult people provide us with opportunities to display compassion. There is a natural human tendency to invest copious amounts of emotional energy in minor dilemmas and frustrations in order to avoid confronting those more complex issues that are largely outside the realm of our control. The intensity of our response provides us with a temporary sense of personal power that helps us cope with challenges that might otherwise overwhelm us. But it is only when we let the little stuff go that we discover that the big stuff is not really so devastating after all.
In the stress of a singularly tense incident, differentiating between an inconsequential annoyance and a legitimate challenge can seem a monumental task. Ask yourself whether the emotions you are feeling will be as vivid in a year, a day, or even an hour. As focused as you are on this moment in time, your reward for letting go of your emotional investment may be the very happiness and harmony of being whose loss you are lamenting. Needless aggravation is seldom worth the cost it exacts. You cannot distance yourself from life's inconsistencies, irritations, and upheavals, but you can relinquish your desire for perfect order and gain peace of mind in the process. ~ The Daily OM
August 12, 2010
Directness
Direct people are a joy to be around.
We never have to guess what they are really thinking or feeling, because they are honest about their thoughts and openly express their feelings.
We never have to wonder if they are with us because they want to be, or if they are there out of guilt or obligation.
When they do something for us, we don't have to worry whether they will end up resenting us because direct people generally do things that please themselves.
We don't have to fuss about the status of our relationship because if we ask, they will tell us. We don't have to worry if they are angry because they deal openly with their anger and resolve it quickly.
We don't have to ponder about whether they are talking about us behind their backs because if they have something to say, it will be said directly to us.
We don't have to wonder if we can rely on them because direct people are trustworthy. Wouldn't it be nice if we were all direct?
Today, i will let go of my notions that it is somehow good or desirable to be indirect. Instead, i will strive for honesty, directness, and clarity in my communications. I will let directness in my relationships begin with me.
I have had a pretty lovely day so far. I have spent it doing housework...aka cleaning up after the girls. I had sushi arrive on my doorstep via one of my best friends at lunch time. I am doing my best to ignore the negative things that i have going on in my life, and remain positive.
Two weeks and six days, until i have my life back. This time in three weeks, i will be chilling in Papamoa with my best friends Nicky and Ange....i cannot wait.
I am going to get my hair done at a hairdresser for the first time in like 3 years...not cut though...well not much...just styled and maybe some highlights or something. Nixon is going back to the hairdresser too. He is starting to look how he looked when i first rescued him last year. Without the cement powder hair product / matted bits though.
Right...back to my cleaning. I am really tired, for some reason.
Don't take the bait
‘...we are not ignorant of [Satan’s] devices.’ 2 Corinthians 2:11 NKJV
Satan, whom the Bible refers to as ‘the tempter’, works like a seasoned fisherman in two ways. First, he knows that fish get hungry, and he knows when they’ll be biting. Understand this: you were born with a hole in your soul that only God can fill, and unless you turn to God and build a relationship with Him, you’ll keep trying to fill that hole with the wrong things.Back later :)
‘Where can I find the right things?’ you ask. The Psalmist answers, ‘...In Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.’ There’s a marked difference in how Joseph responded to temptation with Potiphar’s wife and how David responded to it with Bathsheba. David looked, and kept looking, but Joseph fled. As a result, David reaped terrible heartache and Joseph reaped great blessing.
The Bible says, ‘...if sinners entice you, do not consent.’ Be honest with yourself. Acknowledge that there are places you shouldn’t go, habits you shouldn’t indulge, and company you should never be in.
Second, he knows what bait will hook the fish. Next time somebody fails and you’re tempted to think, ‘I’d never do that,’ stop and ask yourself, ‘What would it take to make me bite?’ You may not know the answer to that question at the moment, but Satan does. And he is patient; he’ll wait a lifetime if he has to, he’s in no hurry. He doesn’t mind whether you fall through ‘youthful lusts’, or on the last few laps through more subtle sins, so long as you lose the race. So, ‘don’t take the bait’.
Judges 1–3, Luke 12:49–59, Ps 119:49–56, Pro 17:18–21
August 11, 2010
Qualities of a good leader
‘...Seek out… men of good reputation… whom we may appoint over this business.’ Acts 6:3 NKJV
I still can't believe it. How every single day these apply to my life! Thank you God for sending these to me.
unBELIEVEable.
Ugh...i have a busy day today and i just want to sleep! Nicole just "chop chopped" me to get in the car...arrrghhhh.
Good leaders practise four qualities. First, submission. Only a leader who has followed well knows how to lead others well. Connecting with people becomes possible because you’ve walked in their shoes. Leaders who’ve never submitted to authority tend to be proud, unrealistic and autocratic.
Second, self–discipline. To make consistently good decisions requires character and self–discipline. To do otherwise is to lose control of ourselves. British essayist John Foster writes, ‘A man without decision of character can never be said to belong to himself. He belongs to whatever can make a captive of him.’ Peter writes, ‘Knowing God leads to self–control’.
Third, patience. Leaders look ahead, think ahead and want to move ahead. That’s what makes them leaders. But the true goal of leadership is not to cross the finishing line first, but to take as many others with you as you can. For that reason you have to deliberately slow your pace, stay connected to your people, keep them informed and inspired, enlist the help of others to fulfil your vision, and keep going. And you can’t do that if you’re running too far ahead of everybody.
Solomon writes, ‘Finishing is better than starting. Patience is better than pride.’ (Ecclesiastes 7:8 NLT) Finally, accountability. Many people feel that accountability is a willingness to explain your actions. In reality, real accountability begins long before you take action. Most wrong actions come about because we are not being accountable early enough.
Ruth 1–4, Luke 12:35–48, Ps 119:41–48, Pro 17:17
I still can't believe it. How every single day these apply to my life! Thank you God for sending these to me.
unBELIEVEable.
Ugh...i have a busy day today and i just want to sleep! Nicole just "chop chopped" me to get in the car...arrrghhhh.
August 10, 2010
You can rise above your beginnings
"The Lord was with Joseph... " - Genesis 39:2 NKJV
I...LOVE...it...
Coffee time. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Joseph didn't come from an ideal family. He was the eleventh son of Jacob, a con-man and a conniver. By this time, however, Jacob had got his spiritual act together. But his ten older sons took after their dad. They once deceived and killed an entire town of men because one of them raped their sister. Now they're about to commit another deed of treachery, selling Joseph into slavery. Yet Joseph turned out to be a man of greatness.
What's the bottom line? That you can rise above your beginnings!
Look at Joseph. Perhaps you've been rejected, or discovered the people you thought loved you really didn't. That's Joseph's story. But, 'The Lord was with Joseph'. Those words change everything! Regardless of what happened yesterday, if you remain faithful to God He can rearrange tomorrow in your favour. Many people who've been mistreated are still focusing on the people who hurt them, waiting for them to make things right. In a lot of cases that isn't going to happen. If you've been wronged you need to turn to the One who won't hurt you, and who is there to help and heal you.
Face it; some relationships aren't going to get fixed! Your parents may never accept you. You may not be able to escape the problem you've been living with or resolve it to your liking. God's not limited by your past, He's only limited by your lack of faith. So trust Him. '... If God is for us, who can be against us?' If God is for you, in the final analysis it doesn't matter who's against you.
I...LOVE...it...
Coffee time. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
August 9, 2010
Saying No
For many of us, the most difficult word to say is one of the shortest and easiest in the vocabulary: NO, Go ahead, say it out loud: NO.I have learned to say no. It is rather empowering, actually. I kind of enjoy saying it now. ha
No - simple to pronounce, hard to say. We're afraid people won't like us, or we feel guilty. We may believe that a "good" employee, child, parent, spouse, or Christian never says no.
The problem is, if we don't learn to say no, we stop liking ourselves, and the people that we always try to please. We may even punish others out of resentment.
When do we say no? When no is what we really mean.
When we learn to say no, we stop lying. People can trust us, and we can trust ourselves. All sorts of good things happen when we start saying what we really mean.
If we are scared to say no, we can buy some time. We can take a break, rehearse the word, and go back and say no. We don't have to offer long explanations for our decisions.
When we say no, we can say yes to the good. Our no's and yes's begin to be taken seriously. We gain control of ourselves. And we learn a secret. "No" really is not that hard to say.
Today, I will say no, if that is what i mean.
I had a good day. The girls are at Nick's for the night, so i can have a proper sleep in tomorrow, because i don't have to drop them at school. YAY.
Nixon is in so much trouble for getting mud all over my couches and cushions...he did not just jump up on one couch and get it all muddy...he then moved on to the other one as well...and then on to Nicole's bed. Honestly...i can't handle the mud he has dragged through our house, and my car all winter much longer.
Hurry up SUMMER!
Early night for me. I am tired.
Fénelon’s formula for prayer
‘You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.’ Jeremiah 29:13 NIV
I love that last paragraph. I adore having no secrets, from anyone in my life. I will never again, allow someone into my life, who i believe is not completely honest with me. I will never again, not be completely honest with the people that i allow into my life.
Hopefully, one day i will have an open and honest, loving, and healthy relationship with someone...other than God haha...but if not, then the example that i want to set for my children, after having such destructive relationships in my life...is that it is better to be alone, than in an unhealthy and dishonest relationship.
I am tired. I had to spend half the night up, doing laundry because the girls waited until 9pm last night, to put their uniforms in the wash.
Today, i am kind of grateful that i can drop them at school, and go back to bed for a little while.
Is your prayer life consistent? Is it rich and rewarding? Do you see measurable growth in it? If not, François Fénelon, a 17th–century Frenchman, tells us how to pray and get results. It’s a tried and true formula worth following:
‘Tell God all that is in your heart, as one unloads one’s heart, its pleasures and its pains, to a dear friend. Tell Him your troubles that He may comfort you; tell Him your longings that He may purify them; tell Him your dislikes that He may help you conquer them; tell Him your temptations that He may shield you from them; show Him the wounds of your soul that He may heal them; lay bare your indifference to good, your depraved taste for evil, your instability.
Tell Him how self–love makes you unjust to others, how vanity tempts you to be insincere, how pride hides you from yourself and from others. If you thus pour out all your weaknesses, needs and troubles, there will be no lack of what to say. You will never exhaust the subject, for it is continually being renewed.
People who have no secrets from each other never want for subjects of conversation. They do not weigh their words for there is nothing to be held back. Neither do they seek for something to say. They talk out of the abundance of their heart. Without consideration, they simply say just what they think. When they ask, they ask in faith, confident that they will be heard. Blessed are those who attain such familiar, unreserved communication with God.’
1 Pet 1–5, Luke 12:13–21, Ps 119:25–32, Pro 17:11–15
I love that last paragraph. I adore having no secrets, from anyone in my life. I will never again, allow someone into my life, who i believe is not completely honest with me. I will never again, not be completely honest with the people that i allow into my life.
Hopefully, one day i will have an open and honest, loving, and healthy relationship with someone...other than God haha...but if not, then the example that i want to set for my children, after having such destructive relationships in my life...is that it is better to be alone, than in an unhealthy and dishonest relationship.
I am tired. I had to spend half the night up, doing laundry because the girls waited until 9pm last night, to put their uniforms in the wash.
Today, i am kind of grateful that i can drop them at school, and go back to bed for a little while.
August 8, 2010
Very present
‘God is… a very present help in trouble.’ Psalm 46:1 NKJV
I have been preoccupied this weekend with crap. Absolute utter nonsense that i should not have paid one little bit of attention to. I could have been doing constructive things...but instead i wasted my weekend on bullshit that won't matter to me in a month's time.
Oh well. I guess it has to be done once in awhile.
I have three more weekends stuck at home and then i have my life back ...for REALSSSS.
Early night for me. I am tired.
PS....Thank you Danny...for everything that you taught me, and for the strength that you gave me. I will be forever grateful for the lessons that you, our relationship, and marriage taught me. I love my life.
Randy Reid, a 34 year old construction worker, was welding on top of a nearly completed water tower outside Chicago. According to writer Melissa Ramsdell, Reid unhooked his safety gear to reach for some pipes when a metal cage slipped and bumped the scaffolding on which he stood. It tipped, and Reid lost his balance. He fell about 35 metres, landing face down on a pile of dirt, just missing rocks and construction debris. A fellow worker called the emergency services.
When paramedics arrived, they found Reid conscious, moving, and complaining of a sore back. Apparently the fall didn’t cost Reid his sense of humour! As paramedics carried him on a backboard to the ambulance, Reid had one request: ‘Don’t drop me.’ Doctors later said Reid came away from the accident with just a bruised leg. Sometimes we resemble Randy Reid. God protects us from harm in a 35 metre fall, yet we are not willing to trust Him to get us over the next 35cm hurdle.
Being sinful, we fail. Being prone to sickness, we hurt. Being mortal, we die. Pressure wears on us. Anxiety gives us ulcers. People intimidate us. Criticism offends us. Disease scares us. Death haunts us. What’s the answer? ‘God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.’ (Psalm 46:1 NKJV)
Note the words ‘very present’. When we hit life’s rough spots our tendency is to feel abandoned, yet the opposite is true. At that very moment we are more than ever the object of His love and concern. Yes, even when our vision is blurred, our thinking foggy, our faith fleeting, and we look up and can’t see Him clearly—He is ‘very present’.
Esther 4:13 – 5:3, Matt 6:16–21, Mark 2:18–22
I have been preoccupied this weekend with crap. Absolute utter nonsense that i should not have paid one little bit of attention to. I could have been doing constructive things...but instead i wasted my weekend on bullshit that won't matter to me in a month's time.
Oh well. I guess it has to be done once in awhile.
I have three more weekends stuck at home and then i have my life back ...for REALSSSS.
Early night for me. I am tired.
PS....Thank you Danny...for everything that you taught me, and for the strength that you gave me. I will be forever grateful for the lessons that you, our relationship, and marriage taught me. I love my life.
August 7, 2010
A Good Turn Daily - Helping the world every day
Being of service to the world can be done in many ways, they need not be huge.
You are helping right now.
Each of us is more than capable of helping the world, despite our fears and limitations and the uncertainty that holds us back. It is commonly accepted that it is impossible to make a difference without unlimited funding or free time, yet most healing, cleansing, and spreading of joy is accomplished in a matter of minutes. If we vow to make the world a better place one day at a time, the true significance of small good deeds reveals itself to us. We come to see that we can be of service without dedicating our lives to recognized charities or giving up the pleasures we enjoy. The warmth we feel when we help the world is only a tiny part of the affirmative transformations that take place when we make altruism a part of everyday existence.I broke my laziness record today.
We make our homes, workplaces, communities, and countries better and brighter when we think positive thoughts that echo outward, give donations of time or money, smile at everyone we meet, and lend those in need of aid our assistance. As we learn, we inadvertently improve the universe because we can only be truly involved when we are informed. Even enthusiastically sharing ideas with others generates positive energy that then serves as the motivation for more tangible change. Selfless and helpful deeds remind us that we exercise some degree of control over a world that can seem chaotic at times. Even the smallest of such deeds is a demonstration of the fact that we are capable of changing the world in a positive way. So much negative energy is generated by the suffering, pain, and close-mindedness we are regularly exposed to, but we can counteract it in a constructive way by thinking and acting altruistically when opportunities to do so arise.
Helping the world often takes no more than a moment, just a wish for the world is a beautiful gesture and can be done by even the busiest of people effortlessly. The gift you give each day need not be grand or attention-worthy because the broader benefits are the same no matter the literal repercussions. Once a day, you can affect reality, and you can reap the rewards of knowing that you are making the world a better place, day by day. ~ The Daily OM
Goodnight. :)
The power of disengagement - Playing mind games
Rather than being heart based, some have learned to play mind games or go on power trips in the service of their ego.
For better or worse, many people have been raised to believe that communicating in an honest and open way will not get them what they want. They have learned, instead, to play mind games or go on power trips in the service of their ego’s agenda. People stuck in this outmoded and inefficient style of communication can be trying at best and downright destructive at worst. We may get caught up in thinking we have to play the same games in order to defend ourselves, but that will only lead us deeper into confusion and conflict. The best way to handle people like this is to be clear and honest with them.
As with all relationships and situations in our lives, we must look within for both the source of our difficulties and the solution. Reacting to the situation by getting upset will only entrench us more deeply in the undesirable relationship. Only by disengaging, becoming still, and going within can we begin to see what has hooked us into the mess in the first place. We will most likely find unprocessed emotions that we can finally fully feel and release into the stillness we find in meditation. The more we are able to do this, the less we will be bothered by the other person’s dramas and the more we will be free to respond in a new way. In the light of our new awareness, the situation will untangle itself and we will slowly break free.
Whenever people come into our lives, they have come for a reason, to show us something about ourselves that we have not been able to see. When unhealthy people try to hook us into their patterns with mind games and power trips, we can remind ourselves that we have something to learn here and that a part of us is calling out for healing. This takes the focus off the troubling individual and puts it back on us, giving us the opportunity to change the situation from the inside out. ~ The Daily OM
It still amazes me, every single day, how i always get these emails sent to me when they pertain to exactly what is going on in my life, at that particular point in time. I swear it is God's way of talking to me, and helping me become a better person...every single day. I received this email yesterday, and i was just stunned.
Have not written in the old blog much this week...because i just have not felt like it. This week has been a bit of a struggle. Maybe that is because September 1st is so close, so it seems within reach, but also further away than it has ever felt these past 6 months. Time seems to be crawling, at the same pace as the slug that i found in the laundry room last night! GROSS. This place is so damp. I hope it is nicer here...over the summer.
I took the girls out to Sylvia Park for dinner and to go shopping last night. My first trip to a mall in forever. I was really looking forward to it. I spent the whole time following them around to teenage shops though. I gave them a little bit of spending money each...but that was not enough and one of them ended up crying on the way home because she did not get a jacket that she wanted. I did not manage to have time to look in one shop that interested me, or get anything for myself.
The selfishness of teenagers is a depressing thing...isn't it? I truly hope that it is just a phase.
I am going back to sleep. Nixon woke me up...having a spastic attack all over my head at 5am because he saw a cat run across our back yard.
NOT IMPRESSED.
August 3, 2010
Inner spring cleaning - detoxing your body
Our bodies move with the cycles of life and even the healthiest need a cleansing detox to renew and regenerate.When you want to start with a clean slate in life, one way is to cleanse your body. Detoxifying can be done in many ways and for many reasons, depending on your specific goals. You may feel a physical need for cleansing, or a spiritual one where you would cleanse the areas of the body that correspond to your current life challenges. If you feel, for instance, that your inner self is not shining through as you would like, you may want to do a bathing detox to clean the skin of impurities so that you can radiate your inner health like a newly washed stained-glass window that lets the light shine through more brilliantly.
No matter how healthy and conscious our habits are, our bodies move with the cycles of life, which means that our cells sometimes need to fall like leaves from the trees before they can regenerate and be renewed. Just as we need to wash our bodies to remove the buildup of natural processes and contact with the world around us, we need to clean our bodies from the inside as well. So you may want to detoxify your blood or digestive system, or target specific buildup such as plaque or metals. Our bodies are the vessels that allow us to move through life, but we can treat them like wild gardens that need our attention to reach their full potential of beauty and balance in their ecosystem.
The first days of a detoxification process may bring to mind an image of the dust that gets stirred up during spring cleaning. You may feel a little worse before you feel better, but that may indeed be the universe’s way of showing us the benefits by contrast. We live in a world of dualities, so we may need to experience both sides of a situation in order to find our perfect balance. Once the impurities have been cleansed, you could experience a sense of lightness or clarity of vision and purpose. You will know it worked when you feel enhanced ease as you move through the world toward your goals. ~ The Daily OM
TV star plans brothel
TV star plans brothel - National - NZ Herald News
Where has this woman been her whole life? Has she herself, found it so hard to get laid, in New Zealand, that she, as a female has ever considered paying for it? If that is the case, then scientists need to do a study on this woman, because it is about as hard for a woman to get no strings sex, where the guy will do a runner with not so much as an "I will ring you" afterwards, as it is to make a hair appointment.
I have always said, that for the average man, visiting a prostitute is not about paying for the sex. They are not paying for the actual act of sex. Men can, and do get that anywhere for free here in New Zealand. We are not, and never have been, as long as i have been living here, a country with high sexual values or morals. For most men who visit prostitutes, they are not paying for sex...they are paying for the woman to go away quietly, afterwards.
So right now, it is about time, that someone pointed out to Pam...that men have no problem going away after sex...with no intention of ever seeing the woman, contacting her, or any other strings...for free. Why would any woman in her right mind pay for it?
I predict that this little business venture will be about as successful, and last about as long, as the idiot that opened the brothel across the road from the school in Henderson.
I will though, most likely watch the TV show. I have never been able to help myself when it comes to rubber necking at train wrecks.
Former politician and high-profile broadcaster Pam Corkery has been linked to plans for New Zealand's first brothel for women.
The Herald understands the ex-Alliance MP is on the hunt for a property to house the bordello - where sex workers will be male and clients female.
She is believed to be looking for property in central Auckland.
One source said the concept involved a spa, bar and bordello where women could "come and either just drink and be titillated, or go the whole nine yards".
Publicist Paul Ellis, a former New Zealand Idol judge, said he had met Ms Corkery in the past week to discuss her business plan.
Mr Ellis, who was approached by the Herald after it learnt of his meeting, said Corkery wanted the brothel plan "to be shot as a TV project".
"It's not my place to comment. It was one of myriad things. She's doing a whole raft of things. One of the great things about Pam is she's got so much energy," Mr Ellis said.
Ms Corkery set up a company, DWT Limited, last Friday jointly with television producer Rebekah Freeman Hay, and it is believed that the brothel will continue to operate after filming for the proposed TV series is complete.
The reality TV show would be focused on the hiring of the male sex workers.
Mr Ellis said he had not decided whether he would be involved with the project, which he believed was still some time off.
When contacted yesterday, Ms Corkery said she was unable to talk about the project and hung up.
Ms Hay, who is listed as a 50 per cent shareholder of DWT, also refused to comment.
Another source said Ms Corkery had been seeking properties in central Auckland and was understood to have approached property developer Andrew Krukziener.
Mr Krukziener yesterday refused to discuss the matter, instead suggesting the Herald deal directly with Ms Corkery.
Auckland City Council and Waitakere City Council staff said yesterday they had not received any application for a brothel licence in the name of Ms Corkery or her company.
But a Waitakere spokesman said that if the brothel was a "home occupation" employing fewer than four staff on site, it did not need a licence.
Annah Pickering, of the New Zealand Prostitutes Collective, said a brothel dedicated solely to women would be the first of its kind.
"The male sex workers working out of the male escort agencies we have now serve both male and female clients," she said.
Ms Pickering said the main clientele would probably be "cougars" - older women who are attracted to and have sex with significantly younger men.
But the business would still struggle to survive in New Zealand.
"It's easier to meet men, and get picked up at bars and night spots."
Australian feminist advocate Melinda Tankard Reist, who will be in Auckland this week to speak at a forum run by lobby group Family First, said she was disgusted with the idea of the sale of sex from men to women.
Turning the tables did not make prostitution right or the situation any better for women, she said.
"It's no great advancement for women's empowerment to say that we can now buy men for sex. It's no great sign of liberation.
"Prostitution from men for women is still about the trade in human bodies and human flesh ... just because it's men that's being sold doesn't make it any better. It's still very wrong."
Last year, Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss tried to establish a brothel catering to women, called "Heidi's Stud Farm".
She had an agreement with the HBO television network but the project later stalled.
Where has this woman been her whole life? Has she herself, found it so hard to get laid, in New Zealand, that she, as a female has ever considered paying for it? If that is the case, then scientists need to do a study on this woman, because it is about as hard for a woman to get no strings sex, where the guy will do a runner with not so much as an "I will ring you" afterwards, as it is to make a hair appointment.
I have always said, that for the average man, visiting a prostitute is not about paying for the sex. They are not paying for the actual act of sex. Men can, and do get that anywhere for free here in New Zealand. We are not, and never have been, as long as i have been living here, a country with high sexual values or morals. For most men who visit prostitutes, they are not paying for sex...they are paying for the woman to go away quietly, afterwards.
So right now, it is about time, that someone pointed out to Pam...that men have no problem going away after sex...with no intention of ever seeing the woman, contacting her, or any other strings...for free. Why would any woman in her right mind pay for it?
I predict that this little business venture will be about as successful, and last about as long, as the idiot that opened the brothel across the road from the school in Henderson.
I will though, most likely watch the TV show. I have never been able to help myself when it comes to rubber necking at train wrecks.
August 2, 2010
Gratitude
We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have, turns it into more
Say thank you, until we mean it.
Thank God, life, the universe for everyone and everything sent your way.
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. It can turn an existence into a real life, and disconnected situations into important and beneficial lessons. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.
Gratitude makes things right.
Gratitude turns negative energy into positive energy. There is no situation or circumstance so small or large that it is not susceptible to gratitude's power. We can start with who we are and what we have today, apply gratitude, then let it work its magic.
Say thank you, until you mean it. If you say it long enough, you will believe it.
Today, i will shine the transforming light of gratitude on all the circumstances of my life.
Long day. Clean house. Hell's pizza for dinner tonight, because Nicole and her friends left me feeling like old mother Hubbard again...with bare cupboards. They ate me out of house and home. Girls being quiet in their room. Now i am back in bed with Nixon.
Life is good. I am grateful.
Keep climbing
‘Give me this [mountain] that the Lord promised me.’ Joshua 14:12 NIV
I LOVE it!
Someone asked me, the other day, why i had never thought about a career in politics...i laughed and told him that " I am still deciding what i want to be when i grow up." ...the person that i said this to is 21. haha
I have no doubt that i will do amazing things with my future. It is never too late, to be who you might have been! I have no doubts, and now, i have no regrets.
Had a fantastic, weekend with Nicole and her friends. I have nicknamed them "NZ Next Top Models" after how long it takes them all to get ready to go to a party! Nicole had 3 friends stay the night on Saturday night, and they all went to a 16th birthday party, that was held a church hall just up the road.
They had a curfew, and Nicole was told to keep in touch via text throughout the night. Not only did she text when she was supposed to, but they were home 20 minutes early! I am not sure, how my children have ended up so much better than i ever was, at every single stage of their lives thus far...but i am not complaining.
I am truly blessed.
Right...it is a cold, rainy, winter Monday morning here. What better kind of day, to spend cleaning up after a weekend of Next Top Models in my home. It is like a hurricane has been through my little house.
Later....
Admiral Joe Fowler served in both World Wars. As a naval architect he designed two of America’s largest aircraft carriers, the USS Lexington and the USS Saratoga. He retired from the Navy in 1948. Shortly after, Walt Disney asked him to head up the design and construction of his first theme park in California. Nothing like it had ever been done before. Not only did Fowler complete the project in 1955, but he also managed its operation for many years.
Later, when Disney wanted to build another theme park in Florida, he called Fowler to do it. When Fowler completed the project in 1971, he was 71. End of story? No, when Fowler was 87 Disney called on him again to build a futuristic theme park called Epcot Centre. When asked why he would take on such a project aged 87, Fowler replied, ‘You don’t have to die until you want to’. In 1993 he completed the job, and laid down his drawing board at the age of 99. Mission accomplished!
At 85 years of age, Caleb said to Joshua, ‘Give me this [mountain] that the Lord promised me [45 years ago].’ (Joshua 14:12) Did he get it? Yes. So keep climbing. Will you make mistakes along the way? Sure! Henry Ford forgot to put a reverse gear in his first car. He also went bankrupt five times before becoming the father of the automobile industry. You’ll stumble on your way to the top, but if you seek God’s help and stay with it, you’ll get there. The truth is, you’re not defeated until your doubts and regrets take the place of your dreams.
Deut 18–21, Luke 10:38–42, Ps 78:40–55, Pro 16:32
I LOVE it!
Someone asked me, the other day, why i had never thought about a career in politics...i laughed and told him that " I am still deciding what i want to be when i grow up." ...the person that i said this to is 21. haha
I have no doubt that i will do amazing things with my future. It is never too late, to be who you might have been! I have no doubts, and now, i have no regrets.
Had a fantastic, weekend with Nicole and her friends. I have nicknamed them "NZ Next Top Models" after how long it takes them all to get ready to go to a party! Nicole had 3 friends stay the night on Saturday night, and they all went to a 16th birthday party, that was held a church hall just up the road.
They had a curfew, and Nicole was told to keep in touch via text throughout the night. Not only did she text when she was supposed to, but they were home 20 minutes early! I am not sure, how my children have ended up so much better than i ever was, at every single stage of their lives thus far...but i am not complaining.
I am truly blessed.
Right...it is a cold, rainy, winter Monday morning here. What better kind of day, to spend cleaning up after a weekend of Next Top Models in my home. It is like a hurricane has been through my little house.
Later....
August 1, 2010
ESR report finds drug driving a serious problem
ESR report finds drug driving a serious problem - Yahoo!Xtra News
Why does this article not mention the single most destructive drug that we have in our society today? The following is a list of the symptoms of meth induced psychosis.
Hallucinations: False perceptions associated with any of the five senses.
Auditory - A false perception of sound. This is the most frequent type of hallucination. Most frequently the user hears voices. Command hallucinations are “Voices” that may issue commands for violence to others. For example: the user hears voices telling him to kill. This may place the user or the health care professional in a potentially dangerous situation.
Visual - Seeing a person, object or animal that does not exist in the environment. For example: a user sees a lion coming toward him.
Olfactory - A false perception of smelling odors that are not present in the environment. For example: the user smells his brain rotting.
Tactile - A false perception of the sense of touch often of something on or under the skin. Formication is an advanced form of hallucination often associated with methamphetamine use during which the user feels sensations on or beneath the skin. The user often scratches at the “bugs” trying to remove them, but instead the abuser gouges the skin, leaving scars. The scars indicate that the abuser has experienced formication or “crank bugs".
Gustatory - A false perception of the sense of taste. For example: the user refuses to eat because he tastes poison in his food.
Delusions: False personal beliefs that are inconsistent with the person's intelligence or cultural background. Delusions cannot be corrected by reasoning. Some common delusions include:
Delusions of Persecution - The person feels threatened and believes that others intend to harm him in some way. For example: the individual thinks that the CIA intends to kill him.
Delusions of Grandeur - The individual has an exaggerated feeling of importance, power or knowledge. Example: The person thinks that he is in control of the state.
Delusions of Reference - The person thinks that unrelated events or happenings are somehow connected to them usually in a negative way. Example: the user watching TV thinks the news broadcaster is trying to get a message to him.
Delusions of being controlled - the person believes certain objects or persons have control over his/her behavior. For example: the individual believes that the president of the United States has control over his behavior.
Somatic Delusions - The individual believes that his/her body or parts of the body are changing or being distorted. For example: the person believes his brain is rotting.
Paranoia: The person has extreme suspicion of others, their actions or perceived intentions. For example: a person saw a live duck on the river and thought the police had placed a camera in the duck to watch him.
Obsessions: Compulsion and repetitive behaviors are manifestations of chronic use. Users may be obsessed with particular thoughts or repetitively perform rituals involving cleaning, assembling and disassembling objects, repetitive verification or hoarding.
And i have not even started on the fact that most P users display narcoleptic like symptoms after being awake for days on end. This drug, that causes all of the above in it's users, who are, whether you want to believe it or not, driving around on our roads, all day, and all night...every single day...did not even get a mention in this study?
Are you kidding me? Drug testing MUST become compulsory, when some one's driving appears impaired, and at check points, and those tests MUST be able to detect methamphetamine in the system, not just cannabis.
Nearly half of drivers who die in road crashes have alcohol and/or drugs in their system, according to an Environment, Science and Research (ESR) report.I don't think anyone in New Zealand, realises just how many people there are on our roads, every single hour of every single day, driving around while in the midst of a methamphetamine induced psychosis.
The report completed for the New Zealand Police and looking into the extent drugs played in driver deaths was a wake up call for road safety, the Automobile Association said today.
The five-year study looked at 1046 drivers who died between 2004 and 2009 (89 percent of dead drivers during that time).
They were tested for alcohol and drugs and nearly half (48 percent or 500 drivers) tested positive.
"Of those, 72 percent or 365 drivers had either used cannabis, alcohol and cannabis, or a combination of drugs", AA's general manager for motoring affairs Mike Noon said.
The report showed that:
135 (27 percent) had used alcohol alone;
96 (19 percent) had used cannabis alone;
142 (28 percent) had used both alcohol and cannabis; and
127 (25 percent) had used a combination of drugs, which may have included alcohol and/or cannabis.
Mr Noon said the results showed that simply focussing on alcohol and drink driving would not address the problem of dangerously impaired drivers on our roads.
The ESR report said that "...when alcohol and impairing drugs are used together the effects are likely to be greater than when just one is used by itself".
"People with drugs in their system can currently go undetected. They might pass an alcohol roadside breath screening test and not be suspected for drugs, but their driving may be seriously impaired by drugs," Mr Noon said.
Only drivers who were grossly drug impaired were now detected by police at the roadside and were required to undertake an impairment test.
"This report shows we need better drug testing of drivers," Mr Noo said.
"The AA thinks it's time to consider increasing New Zealand's drug testing to include roadside saliva tests as is done in some Australian States."
The recent introduction of the roadside impairment test was a good first step to combat drugged driving, but this report had shown that it was nowhere near enough to detect and discourage drugged drivers as a third of drivers tested who died over the past five years had taken drugs, Mr Noon said.
The report also provided useful research data on driver BAC levels from the actual testing of drivers from fatal crashes and helped inform the current debate on whether to lower the adult BAC level from 80mg to 50mg of alcohol per 100ml of blood.
The majority (81 percent) of dead drivers in the study were considered to have been at fault for their crash.
"The report confirms that the problem of driver impairment on our roads is a serious one and much wider than just alcohol," Mr Noon said.
Why does this article not mention the single most destructive drug that we have in our society today? The following is a list of the symptoms of meth induced psychosis.
Hallucinations: False perceptions associated with any of the five senses.
Auditory - A false perception of sound. This is the most frequent type of hallucination. Most frequently the user hears voices. Command hallucinations are “Voices” that may issue commands for violence to others. For example: the user hears voices telling him to kill. This may place the user or the health care professional in a potentially dangerous situation.
Visual - Seeing a person, object or animal that does not exist in the environment. For example: a user sees a lion coming toward him.
Olfactory - A false perception of smelling odors that are not present in the environment. For example: the user smells his brain rotting.
Tactile - A false perception of the sense of touch often of something on or under the skin. Formication is an advanced form of hallucination often associated with methamphetamine use during which the user feels sensations on or beneath the skin. The user often scratches at the “bugs” trying to remove them, but instead the abuser gouges the skin, leaving scars. The scars indicate that the abuser has experienced formication or “crank bugs".
Gustatory - A false perception of the sense of taste. For example: the user refuses to eat because he tastes poison in his food.
Delusions: False personal beliefs that are inconsistent with the person's intelligence or cultural background. Delusions cannot be corrected by reasoning. Some common delusions include:
Delusions of Persecution - The person feels threatened and believes that others intend to harm him in some way. For example: the individual thinks that the CIA intends to kill him.
Delusions of Grandeur - The individual has an exaggerated feeling of importance, power or knowledge. Example: The person thinks that he is in control of the state.
Delusions of Reference - The person thinks that unrelated events or happenings are somehow connected to them usually in a negative way. Example: the user watching TV thinks the news broadcaster is trying to get a message to him.
Delusions of being controlled - the person believes certain objects or persons have control over his/her behavior. For example: the individual believes that the president of the United States has control over his behavior.
Somatic Delusions - The individual believes that his/her body or parts of the body are changing or being distorted. For example: the person believes his brain is rotting.
Paranoia: The person has extreme suspicion of others, their actions or perceived intentions. For example: a person saw a live duck on the river and thought the police had placed a camera in the duck to watch him.
Obsessions: Compulsion and repetitive behaviors are manifestations of chronic use. Users may be obsessed with particular thoughts or repetitively perform rituals involving cleaning, assembling and disassembling objects, repetitive verification or hoarding.
And i have not even started on the fact that most P users display narcoleptic like symptoms after being awake for days on end. This drug, that causes all of the above in it's users, who are, whether you want to believe it or not, driving around on our roads, all day, and all night...every single day...did not even get a mention in this study?
Are you kidding me? Drug testing MUST become compulsory, when some one's driving appears impaired, and at check points, and those tests MUST be able to detect methamphetamine in the system, not just cannabis.
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