Withholding

Sometimes, to protect ourselves, we close ourselves off from a person we are in a relationship with. Our body may be present, but we are not. We are not available to participate in the relationship. We shut down.

Sometimes, it is appropriate and healthy to shut down in a relationship. We may legitimately need some time out. Sometimes it is self defeating to close ourselves off in a relationship. To stop being vulnerable, honest, and present for another person can put an end to the relationship. The other person can do nothing in the relationship when we are gone. Closing ourselves makes us unavailable to that relationship.

It is common to go through temporary periods of closing down in a relationship. But it is unhealthy to make this an ongoing practice. It may be a relationship sabotaging device.

Before we close down, we need to ask ourselves what we are hoping to accomplish by shutting down. Do we need time to deal? To heal? To grow? To sort through things? Do we need time out from this relationship? Or are we reverting to our old ways- hiding, running, and terminating relationships because we are afraid we cannot take care of ourselves in any other way?

Do we shut down because the person truly is not safe, is manipulating, lying, or acting abusively? Are we shutting down because the other person has shut down and we no longer want to be available?

Shutting down, shutting off, closing ourselves and removing our emotional presence from a relationship is a powerful tool. We need to use it carefully and responsibly. To achieve intimacy and closeness in a relationship, we need to be present emotionally. We need to be available.

God, help me be emotionally present in the relationships that i choose to be in.

I like this one. I never, ever thought i would want another relationship ever again. I certainly did not think that i would ever be emotionally available to anyone ever again. I had decided that i could never go through the kind of hurt that i went through, again, therefore it was better to not bother, than take that risk.

It has been well over two years now. I no longer think like that. I am happy now...it has been nearly a year since i left that life and everything else in my past. So much has changed.

I don't feel like sharing my whole life on my blog anymore...well not as much as i used to. I used my blog as a venting tool, to help me let out some of the awful feelings and things that i was going through, when i had no one to help me, or listen to me, or be here for me. I used it as a way to encourage myself to always live a life that i am proud of, because i made everything that i did so public, and did not want to write about things that i was ashamed of

That has changed so much now. Not only do i not really have anything to vent about, and no awful feelings....i have wonderful, and supportive friends and family who are constantly here for me, with their unconditional friendship and love. I no longer need encouragement to live a life that i am proud of. That is the ONLY way to live, in my view now. Living a life that i am proud of comes naturally to me now, and i have God's help, instead of my blog.

I have wonderful people, new relationships, as well as old ones back in my life. I don't want to share those with the whole world. They love me for who i am, and everything that i have done and been through...and they are mine.

I will still write in my blog every day...but my life is so fantastic now, that it is just too precious to share with people from that hideous life and that has nothing at all to do with not being proud of my life, and everything to do with it just being too good, to put into words.

I am truly blessed, and every day i thank God for that. Goodnight.