While driving one day, a woman focused her attention on the license plate of the car ahead. The license read "B-WHO-UR." How can i? she thought. I don't know who i am!
Some of us may have felt confused when people encouraged us to be ourselves. How could we know ourselves, or be who we are, when, for years, many of us submerged ourselves in the needs of others?
We do have a self. We're discovering more about ourselves daily. We're learning we're deserving of love.
We're learning to accept ourselves, as we are for the present moment - to accept our feelings, thoughts, flaws, wants, needs, and desires. If our thoughts or feelings are confused, we accept that too.
To be who we are means we accept our past - our history - exactly as is.
To be ourselves means we are entitled to our opinions and beliefs - for the present moment and subject to change. We accept our limitations and our strengths.
To be who we are means we accept our physical selves, as well as mental, emotional, and spiritual selves, for now. Being who we are means we take acceptance one step further. We can appreciate ourselves and our history.
Being who we are, loving and accepting of ourselves, is not a limiting attitude. Accepting and loving ourselves is how we enable growth and change.
Today, i will be who i am. If i am not yet certain who i am, i will affirm that i have a right to that exciting discovery.
I had a really nice day yesterday. You might remember, a week or so ago i said the following, in one of my posts...
"A person that i used to know once told me, "Your YES means nothing, until you learn how to say NO" ... That made sense to me. I had just finished discussing with him, how i struggle to say the word no...to anyone. I am notorious for being a yes person, and not being able to say no to anyone."Well i guess i still know this person. He contacted me via email the other night. it was so nice to hear from him. He popped over yesterday, for a visit and ended up staying hours. We drank coffees and teas (he is a tea drinker...yuck) and sat on my couch with Nixon, just talking about everything, for hours and hours.
How weird that i had just mentioned him on my blog the other day...and he comes back into my life.
He was someone that i had lied to about my drug use, at the time. So many things make so much more sense to him now. Dramas that i had, things i told him that did not quite add up, the decline in my physical and mental health that he had witnessed. He told me that at the time he could see that i was "heading into a wall" but did not know how to help. He had come over, that night in January 2009 and comforted me while i just sobbed and sobbed about Danny.
I saw him one more time after that. He came over to visit me, after hearing that i was using drugs. I denied, and denied everything to him, while struggling to stay awake on the couch because i had most likely not slept in a week. I knew, that he knew i was lying, and when he left that night, i didn't really care if i saw him again any time soon. I didn't like spending time with people that i could not get my pipe out in front of, at that stage anyway. I was not yet at the point where i was desperate for anyone who was not on drugs, to come back into my life.
I have thought about him often, since i changed my life. Because i knew that he had known that i was lying to him, and that is probably why i had never heard from him again...i have, for some reason, wanted to let him know that i was ok...that i had gotten better.
Yesterday, i got that chance.
He has told me how proud he is of how far i have come, and told me that it shows a real strength of character... I told him that i am proud of myself too! I just can't bring myself to feel ashamed...it is so much better to feel pride in how far i have come, than it was to feel shame in how low i got.
He shared some issues and struggles that he has had of his own, and i saw a different side to him yesterday than the one that i had always known. I have always seen him as a strong, and wise man, who had no problems or issues of his own, or any weaknesses. I had always valued his thoughts, opinions, and advice, and almost looked up to him, maybe even in the past, wanted his approval. I still feel that way about him, to a degree.
It was really refreshing, and eye opening to see that this wise and strong man that i always thought was near perfect, has issues and struggles of his own, and that he was sitting there sharing them with me...It was kind of like our friendship has evolved into something more equal these days, rather than one of me being so needy and him having to be strong.
I have thought a lot about him, and seeing him again, over night while i could not sleep. I hope this friend of mine, stays in my life this time.
Anyway, i have had the hugest sleep in this morning! I struggled with sleep all night, and my stomach ache even returned for a little while. It is sharp horrible pains and if they come back, i think i will head to the doctor. I am due for a doctors visit in the next couple of weeks anyway for a check up re the depression.
Which reminds me...i have not mentioned but i have not taken my anti depressants since the day that i was sentenced. It has now been a month since i took them, and i still feel absolutely wonderful. I think i can safely say that i am now a 0...ok maybe a 1? on that depression scale! I no longer feel the need to take them, or rely on them to be happy.
I think i managed to take the life jacket off, and stay afloat. I did not plan to stop taking them. It just worked out that way because i had just run out...around the time that i got sentenced...and kept forgetting to ask for permission to go to the chemist and get the refill on my prescription.
That was just God's way of telling me that i no longer need them...i have to assume!
How awesome is that?
I am going to work on my puzzle, then take Nixon for his walk.
Back later on!