Most of us have engaged in denial from time to time. Some of us relied on this tool. We may have denied events or feelings from our past. We may have denied other people's problems; we may have denied our own problems, feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs.
We denied the truth.
Denial means that we didn't let ourselves face reality, usually because facing that particular reality would hurt. It would be a loss of something: trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream. And it hurts to lose something, or someone.
Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality.
We are sturdy yet fragile beings. Sometimes, we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope. We let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope with the truth. We will do this, when the time is right.
We do not need to punish ourselves for denying reality; we need only love ourselves into safety and strength so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth. We will face and deal with reality - on our own time schedule, when we are ready, and in God's timing. We do not have to accept chastisement from anyone, including ourselves, for this schedule.
We will know what we need to know, when it's time to know it.
Today, i will concentrate on making myself feel safe and confident. I will let myself have my awareness on my own time schedule.
I have, in the past, been the Queen of Denialville...population...ME.
I guess this is understandable, considering that in my life time i have lost every single thing up there that is mentioned that could cause us to make living in denial such a familiar and comfortable place.
Trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream.
All of the above, and then some. I think, when i look back to a few years ago, before Danny and i stopped living together, but i still knew that he no longer loved me (or never had) ...denial was my only option, at that point in time. I just don't think i could have faced losing anything else...especially not him, at that point in time.
I stopped living in denial, on the day that i admitted my drug use on this blog. When it had only been 46 days since i had smoked my last pipe full of P. The day that i admitted everything on this blog, was the day that i stopped living in that horrible place called denial, and faced reality.
It has been an awesome journey...and one that i will continue for the rest of my life.
Reality is like a holiday on a tropical island and Disneyland rolled into one..compared to denial...even when the reality is the worst truth imaginable. Reality is never as painful, as denial is destructive.