I remember thinking that it had not changed me

Isn't that mental?

I saw my girls like twice (i think) between January and July last year. It did not really bother me at the time that i had not seen much of them. I blamed Nick for the fact that i had not seen them. I didn't really do anything to make the situation better. I did not let it bother me.

I had a good old crying session when i arrived back home without them just before.

Looking at photos of my Coley, when she was a baby and growing up today, and thinking that 15 years ago she was being born, made it even harder to drop them off to Nick today. I sat here crying, and feeling so much guilt for every mistake that i have made since the day that my children were born.

I rang Dan and cried to him. I told him that i hate myself sometimes, because of the mistakes that i have made.

He always makes me feel better and always says the right things when i am feeling like this. He always points out how far i have come and how much i have changed for the better. He reminds me of how good the relationship that i have with them now is.

I said to him today, that i couldn't believe that was me, at that apartment, that didn't care that she had not seen her daughters all year...and he agreed and reminded me of how he had known me months before he even realised that i had children.

I had not purposely hidden the fact that i had children from him. They just never came up...because i was too busy with the druggies, and criminals that i had in my life, to talk about my children.

I hate every second that my girls are not with me.

How crazy that i thought that drug had not changed me. Sometimes i hate myself for not realising at the time, how much it had changed me. Sometimes i feel so much guilt, that i just never want to let those kids out of my sight ever again...

I think that is why i struggle so much, every time i have to drop them back to Nick, and face going back home without them.

I don't know. I miss them so much right now.