I am awake at 4:30am

After all the sleeping that i  have done over the past week...i am not complaining. I managed to get through yesterday, without napping. I went to bed at a normal hour. I woke about midnight. I put that down to being squished in between Nixon and Jorgia...I went straight back to sleep, pretty much, and here i am, wide awake and ready for a new day.

I have slept enough for a whole month over the last week or so. I am OK with being up so early this morning.

I have been thinking. I have been thinking about how, slowly but surely, my life is getting back to how it was before i met Danny. Actually it, is getting even better than it was before i met Danny, because i am a better person now.

One by one, the friends that i lost contact with while married to Danny are coming back into my life. Real friends that love me, and care about me. I missed them so much, while so isolated in Waiuku with Danny, and then while surrounded by people that were on that drug. I felt like an outsider around the Baillies. I never fit in, nor was i accepted or loved as part of their family. I never understood the mentality of the drug addicts that i once knew. I never fit in with them. For that, i am grateful.

My relationship with my children is now better than i could have ever hoped for, even before i met Danny. They lived with me prior to meeting Danny. I had custody of them, however the relationship that i had with them was nowhere near what it is now. I sacrificed my relationship with them while Danny and i were married...i let them go, while i concentrated on fixing our marriage. I let them go, while i was addicted to P. They came straight back to me, as soon as i was ready for them, and have forgiven me for every mistake that i made. Our relationship would not be as good today, as it is, without the events of the last 5 years. I am grateful, every single day, for their love and forgiveness. I am truly blessed to have the best 3 kids in the world. William, Nicole, and Jorgia, I love you more than anything in this world.

The relationship that i have with my family in America...My Dad, my stepmother ( who i consider the only mother i have ever really had ) my sisters, cousins, etc is closer than ever. Until i met Danny,  i loved and missed them, but i was not in daily contact with them. They did not really know what was going on in my life, nor did i really know what was going on back home. There was a distance between us that was more than just the miles. I now speak to them most days, and they know everything about my life now. I am not ashamed to admit where i have been, or where i am going now. I look forward, every day, to hearing from my sister, and hearing how her pregnancy is going. I speak on the phone to my Dad and Monica for as long as i like, at least once a month. I used to only speak to them when they phoned me on my birthday, and at Christmas.

I no longer drink alcohol, like i did when i met Danny. I was an alcoholic, just like Danny, when he and i met. His drinking seemed normal to me, and i thought we were a normal couple, the way we got drunk together every single night. I never thought it was normal that i had never seen Geoff Baillie sober though! haha I am a much healthier person now, than I was 5 years ago.

5 years ago, i hated being alone. I always had to have a boyfriend on the go...or be going out with friends, i always had to be doing something. I don't need other people to entertain me, or make me feel good about myself these days. I like myself. I can handle being alone. I like my own company.

I remember saying, back in the beginning of this blog, when i first quit that drug...when i was putting up with such nastiness from Danny and his family, i remember saying, and promising myself, that i was going to be OK...that i was going to get back to being the beautiful and happy person that i was when i met Danny. I remember saying "F*ck you Danny, i am going to get back to being the beautiful and happy person that you met, in spite of you" ...

I am better than i was. Heck...my hair is even finally growing back! The best part is, that i did it, and continue to do it, for myself, and for my family, and not for him, or anyone else. Everything is for me, and the people that love me.

On that note...i am going to try to get a couple more hours sleep, before my angels wake up. My dining chairs got collected yesterday afternoon, and i now have Christmas present shopping money to spend on them! YAY! I was sad to see those awesome chairs go...but i had no room for them here anyway. I still have two of them. I only sold four. I would rather have Christmas present money for the kids, than the chairs.

Good morning! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz