I mentioned last week, how Toby, the police officer that was in charge of the search of my apartment and my arrest for having that drug, had asked me how i quit that hideous drug. At the time, when he asked me, i could not really think of an answer, other than to say that i just quit it. I said it was the most horrible time of my life. I did nothing but sleep and cry for two weeks, and i nearly killed myself several times.
I have thought a lot about that question over the past week. I have thought a lot about how i gave up P. Several police officers have told me that they have never known anyone, that has truly been able to give it up. I have been told that i am the only person that people have met that has been able to just quit that drug and not look back.
I went back and searched through my old posts, and looked for a better answer than the one that i gave Toby the other day.
I wanted a more specific answer, in case i ever get asked that question again. So here goes. This is how i gave up my addiction to methamphetamine / P and changed my life.
1. I made up my mind to quit. I WANTED to quit. I was sick of living a life that i was ashamed of. I was sick of the hideous people that came with that drug. I had always known deep down that i was too good for that life. I was too good to be associating with criminals. I knew i was better than them.I knew i was worth more than that life.
From the day that i first tried P...my life went on a downward spiral. It went from bad to worse, until i just wanted to be dead. In the end it felt like i was too far gone to ever get back to a normal life. I realised that it was no coincidence that i was addicted to P and for the first time ever in my life, i felt suicidal.
I realised that it was no coincidence that i was addicted to P and for the first time in my life i was knowingly associating with people that had been in prison, were involved in gangs, were thieves, etc etc.
For the first time since my children were born, i barely saw them and put P before my relationship with them. I decided that i had to quit that drug. If things did not get better for me after giving up that drug...THEN i would kill myself.
I think, as with any addiction, in order to succeed in giving it up, you have to WANT to give it up. You have to be sick of it. You have to know that you are well and truly over it, hate it, not want to have it be part of your life anymore. You have to WANT to be cured. If you don't have that desire in you to want to quit...then you won't.
I decided that i WANTED to cure myself of this addiction. I made up my mind to do it.
2. I stopped living in denial. I knew i had to be honest with everyone in my life...and everyone who was not even in my life. I had to stop living in shame. I had to admit everything that i had done and take responsibility for my actions.
If i wanted help, and wanted to get better, i had to stop lying to every single person on this planet, including myself. I started by coming clean to James, the policeman that helped me so much back then. Then i told Nick. Neither judged me. Both wanted to help me. That just opened the floodgates, and i wanted everyone to know what i had done, what i had been through, and what i was going through.
Being honest helped me so much. It helped me feel proud of what i was doing, and how far i had come. I felt proud for the strength that i was showing everyday. I love feeling proud, after living in shame for so long. P never once made me feel as good, or as happy, as living a life that i am proud of, now makes me feel every single day.
3. I focused on the people that should have always come first in my life, from the day they were born. My children. I admitted to myself that previously i had placed more importance on a man ( my relationship with Danny ), P, money, and spending time with criminals, than i had on my relationship with them. I knew that i needed to fix that, before it was too late, and they ended up feeling about me...how i feel about my own mother. I will spend every day for the rest of my life, putting those wonderful kids of mine first in my life. I will never not be there for them again. They will never not know what is going on in my life again. They will never not know how much i love them. They will never miss me...again. They will never come second in my life again. They will always be my first priority.
4. I disappeared. I do not believe that anyone can quit that drug, and continue to live the same life that they lived while doing that drug. With the exception of D, as far as anyone that i knew while on that drug is concerned, i just went poof one day. I could be dead for all they know. I did not even say goodbye. I did not tell anyone that i was leaving, or quitting that life. I was just there one day, and gone the next. I did not want to give any of them the chance to try to talk me out of the changes that i was making.
I had to be prepared to never see any of those people again. I had to ensure that i was never in a situation where it was accessible to me. I am dead to those people, and they are dead to me. They don't exist to me anymore, and no doubt, i am long forgotten by them. Except for the stupid snowman, and that is only cause the stupid man had a crush on me. YUCK.
I will never ever place myself in a situation where i even know people that do that drug. I will never have it around me again. D is the only exception to that, and the only reason i make an exception for her, is because she is so sick. I make an exception for her because i know that seeing her, and trying to help her, only reinforces my opinion of just how evil that drug is. If i ever once looked at her and felt tempted to go back, she too would no longer be in my life. That is why i will never allow her to know where i live. I need to be dead to her too...if i ever feel tempted. I can't see that happening though.
Seeing her makes me feel even more proud of how far i have come. I would like to see her quit too. I would like to help her. She needs to want to quit though, and i can't make her want to give up that life. I can't preach to her. So i will continue to do little things to help her out...when i am able to. I remember how desperately i needed someone in my life that was not associated with that drug. I needed someone normal to care about me. I had that in Dan. I guess i look at it like D, has that in me.
The loneliest time of my life followed my decision to quit that drug. I still felt so lonely, right up until the time that i got Nixon back. I still spend all my time alone, just with Nixon, when i don't have the girls. I have gotten used to being alone. I enjoy my own company now. I fill my time with things that i enjoy doing. I have found new hobbies that i enjoy doing on my own.
I have discovered so much about myself, and for the first time in my life...i love myself. Being alone is one million times better than having crackheads in my life. I have learned to like being alone.
5. I focused on exercise, and my health. Every day that i exercise is a hundred times better than if i don't. I feel happier, and more energetic on the days that i get straight out of bed and go for a run. Exercise is definitely an essential part of my recovery from drug addiction and depression. I truly used to notice the difference in how i felt on the days that i would be lazy, as opposed to the days that i got myself outside and motivated on my walks.
These days, i have no choice...thanks to Nixon i have to walk or run so far that i feel fantastic by the time that we stroll back towards our driveway.
6. I will never forget seeing those mugshots of me. I will always associate that drug with those mugshots. They horrified me. A couple of people have worried about me when i have been upset about things and have asked if i am tempted to go back. My answer has always been a firm NO. I remember nothing good from that life. I only remember a nightmare.
I will save myself the hassle and nightmare that drug wreaks in every life it touches, and just kill myself, before i ever do that drug again. I will just take a shortcut to where i know that i would end up, if i ever touched it again.
That will never happen. I am a different person now, to the person that i was that first tried that drug. At the time, i saw no future without Danny. I loved him so much, and i did not know how i was going to survive without him. I truly thought he was the only love of my life, and that the pain of him disappearing from my life would never leave me.
I am stronger, and healthier, both mentally and physically, than i was back then. I am happy now. I have hope for my future, and faith that it is only going to keep getting better. Instead of hating myself for the mistakes that i have made...i love myself and feel proud that i had the strength in me to recover from such a terrible mistake.
That, my friends, is the answer that i would have liked to have given Toby, the other day. It is the answer that i would have given him, if i had more time than to just say, it was the most horrible time of my life and i am glad that it is in my past.
Doing all 6 of these things, was essential for me to successfully quit that drug.
1 - I wanted to quit.
2 - Honesty. I confessed to everyone that would listen, what they already knew anyway
3 - I focused on people that i love - my children and wanting to do what was right for them
4 - Disassociation from everyone, and everything that i knew was involved in that drug
5 - Exercise and motivation. I filled my time with positivity and healthy activities, like my garden and walking.
6 - I will always remember that no matter how bad things seem, or how sad or lonely i feel...it could never be even a fraction of how bad i felt while living a life of shame on that drug. I will never forget how it made me not want to be alive anymore. I will always feel proud of how far i have come, rather than feel shame in how low i got.
There you go Toby...if you read this...that is how i quit that drug. That is how i continue to know that i will never go back to that life.
Good morning people! I had a fantastic sleep overnight. Time for our run. xoxox