Part of me does not regret that life

While i could never go back and do it again, or live that kind of life now, i know that it changed me. At the time all the change felt negative. I always said to myself, if that life ever changed me, i would get out. I was scared of becoming hardened, like so many of the people that i met.

Every experience that we have every day,does change us though i guess, even if only in a small way.

I think about my outlook on life now, my personality now, my perceptions and expectations of other people now,. I think about my perceptions and expectations of myself, and the difference in the way that i react to everything that happens in my life now, as opposed to how i would have reacted this time last year, and i realise that life did change me. It changed me for the better.

I have taken the positive from that life with me when i left it, and i left behind the negative.

Where i used to judge others, i am now accepting of other people's behaviour and opinions. I no longer place expectations on the people that i have in my life. I am far less stressed than i used to be. Little things don't worry me like they used to. I used to be so stressed about everything, that sometimes my chest would feel tight. I'm relaxed about life, and the things that are going on around me. I no longer react to other people or situations, without thinking.  I no longer take offence when i feel i am being unfairly judged. I used to get so upset and angry, if i felt someone was treating me unfairly, or was being critical of me. Now...i just can't bring myself to worry about those things.

I see people from the inside out now. Outward appearances mean nothing to me.

I can admit when i am wrong, and that i make mistakes, and apologise for those mistakes. I never used to be wrong. Ever.

I could go on and on, about the way that life has changed me and how i am not the same person today that i was a year ago....but it's Nixon's run time, before he does his business inside.

I have a book called "Soul Food" ...it was one of the best books that i ever bought on my trips to Borders bookshop, with that man that i loved very much. That i still love and hope gets better. It is a recipe book for a happier life...It is full of advice on attitude. I thought i would share one page of this book today, as it pertains to what i have been thinking about this morning...

Judgement

Today, be aware of any judgements you make, or standards that you impose on others. Just because someone does not behave the way that we expect, or doesn't reach our standards, doesn't mean that we should impose a judgement. Who are we to determine how others should behave? It doesn't make sense to judge a person on their behaviour as we are generally unaware of their intentions. Very rarely do people act with bad intentions. So rather than creating negative energy for yourself by thinking badly about someone, be tolerant and compassionate.

Having Nixon back in my life, has been huge for me. I never want to lose him again. I never want to be without him. I want  him with me always. I love that dog so much. I will be forever grateful, and always there for the person that enabled me to get him back. Nixon healed my broken heart. I don't think anyone realises the importance that i place on having him back.

I am scared of losing him again, and i never want him to think i have left him.

Good morning sunshines...i am one day closer to being an Aunt again! For those of you that have not read my update in the comments section of my screaming post yesterday...My sister, Tracey and her husband Tim, who have been trying to have a baby for 4 years, and had been told it was unlikely....are 12 weeks pregnant!!!!!! This is unexpected as they had not tried any fertility treatment. I was the first person that my sister told, after seeing the heartbeat at her 12 week check up, and that was such an amazing gift...being the first person that she wanted to know.

I have always felt like it was some kind of cruel joke...how God gave me three beautiful, wonderful children without me even trying, but i have never found true lasting love or companionship with a partner that loves me....and Tracey had this absolutely wonderful husband and marriage, that i would die to have, yet she could not have children.

I felt like we both had what the other wanted so bad. She has the unconditional love of a man that she loves. I had three beautiful children...but neither of us was complete.

I am so grateful that she will get to experience being a mom. I know she will be the second best mom in the world...second only to our step mother, Monica.

I love you Tracey. xoxoxo