Everyone has bad days though right?
I passed the tests that were sent to try me today. I went back to court and got it all sorted...even though i did not want to. I just wanted to go soak in my bath all day after seeing a crackhead that i knew. It just freaked me out that i ever knew people like that.
Don't get me wrong...he is a decent guy as far as those people go but it scared the hell out of me to have a person that i associate with that life so much, standing in front of me talking to me. Bad memories came flooding back and it upset me and stressed me out.
Cutting all ties was the best thing that i ever did and it needs to stay that way.
I returned to court though..and there was no sign of him. I dealt with what i needed to do and that mistake that i made is now in my past. One down...one to go. I am feeling drained and sad.
I thought i would feel good to have that sorted out. I think i would still feel good about it had i not seen that guy. He is a nice guy...which was why it was so hard to just run away. I feel shit now for running away, but i know i did the right thing. I can't remain friends with him without drugs being part of that friendship.
That and the other things that upset me were just tests. These are the types of things that i will have to face for awhile now and hopefully they will just make me stronger and more determined than ever to carry on healing my life.
It's not the first challenge that i have passed. On the day that my sickness benefit was put into my bank account...an old crackhead person that i knew, turned up on my doorstep. I had no drugs but he stayed for a juice and a smoke. He saw i was looking at flats to move to and i got talking about my budget and what i could afford. I told him i had such and such amount for moving...and he tried so hard to talk me into buying drugs with that money instead of using it for bond and rent...he went on and on about how we could double the money etc etc.
That afternoon i was literally at a fork in the road. It felt like i was choosing between life and death. I had 2 grand...i could have had fun, and i would now be homeless like that fat old crackho Tania. Mind you...that is IF you call just staying awake and not eating...being isolated and driving around all night hoping to run into your ex...but not really wanting to see him cause you look all grey with sunken eyes and cheeks and you get anxiety attacks at the thought of looking anyone in the eyes...FUN. That was the only kind of fun i ever had on that drug.
That kinda does not really appeal anymore...that kind of "fun",
I wouldn't be looking forward to picking up my girls tomorrow afternoon...court today would have been a LOT worse...that's if i was even still alive. I doubt i would be had i continued my drug use.
Life is good...despite my hard day today. Tania...i would rather be straight and in a jail cell...than wasted and fucking men for my next fix. I wouldn't be calling anyone names based on their level of promiscuity, if i was you.
On that note...i think i deserve Hells for dinner.
Hostage victim launches campaign against P
Oh and PS...the judge was much nicer to me in the afternoon. I wonder why...not that i am complaining. Maybe they have to be tough and scare people. I guess they would really.