Now get me OUT of this apartment STAT! ...like RIGHT NOW! before i go insane....or more insane than i already am. Is that possible? I'm about to find out if they don't finish doing their hair and make up very soon.
I had the loveliest evening last night. It was so nice to have something to look forward to. I shaved my legs especially for the occasion even!
I have three people that i have been completely honest and open with about everything that has happened in my life...everything that i have done wrong and everything that has been done to me...who have not judged me. One is Tans, my friend with the little baby girl that is staying with me at the moment, the other shall remain nameless but i have known him a long time...since about the same time i met Danny...and the other is my cop, who i have known for about a year.
I met him when i had to call 111 one night when someone was trying to break into my apartment last year...it was October actually. I was really scared that night and he was so awesome. I was hiding in my closet while on the phone with 111. It took like 2 minutes for the police to get here...they were so fast. I think that is because Graham Bell lives in this complex as well...anyway the operator told m e to go outside and i was so scared because the smashing and banging on my door had only JUST stop...but i went outside...and that is when i met Dan.
He has always known the whole truth about me. I had to tell him why some psycho ended up trying to smash my door in. I was honest with him and he never judged me and even better he was never pervie...he was just like...o well ...lots of people do it. He was so kind to me that night. Popping back a couple of times to make sure i was ok...then over his next few shifts he always made sure that i knew he was driving past and keeping an eye on things outside for me.
On his days off, before he had his days off...he briefed the others and told them about me so that they drove past and kept an eye on me.
For so long he has been my best friend. In January when things with Danny ended for good...when he found out everything...i got in my car to go for a drive...i was absolutely hysterical and sobbing my eyes out. Somehow for some reason he just got this feeling about me...that something was wrong. He rang me. I was driving. He told me to go back home. I did. He was waiting for me there...and just held me and listened to me sobbing and trying to talk and telling him everything that had happened with Danny in between my hyperventilating sobs.
He saved my life that day.
At first he understood Danny's anger and tried to explain how a man would feel after finding out something like that. Dan has always been completely honest with me even when the truth hurt me. As time has gone by though, and he has seen what Danny's refusal to face me and what an angry person he is has done to me and my wellbeing, his opinion towards Danny has changed. He no longer understands Danny.
I came to rely on Dan so much. I have been the neediest friend of all needy friends. I have taken my anger at Danny out on this poor guy more times than i can count. I have said awful things to him because i had no one else to let my anger out at.
He has never complained and always replied to my texts or phone calls when upset and always been here for me. Just like my nameless friend and Tans...even though they have their own lives and own problems.
In February...somehow the cop and mine's relationship progressed to something a bit more intimate. I don't know how it happened but it did. SO many times i have been horrible to him and accused him of just wanting free sex and that he should pay a hooker instead. I have said these horrible things despite the fact that he was a friend and there for me long before we became intimate.
Even though he always knew what i was doing, in March he saw my thing on that website and it made him phsyically ill, to see me like that. He got angry with me for awhile and distanced himself from me a bit because he couldn't have it in his face like that without telling me his opinion. I would just get angry at him when he would tell me what he thought about me doing that. I always thought it was just selfish judgemental reasoning behind him distancing himself. He never took his friendship away though and his reasons were never selfish.
He genuinely cared about my wellbeing and did not think i was strong enough to be doing what i was doing.
He never judged me but he did always tell me that i was too good for that life...that it was not what i needed to be dealing with while in such a bad place over Danny...that he worried about me ...he went on and on and on and it used to make me so mad. I thought it was just hypocritical...but he was so right. He was just thinking of me.
It was not good for me and i AM too good for that life. It was so much nicer seeing him and having the last person that i had sex with be him...and really looking forward to it. It was...special again. If that makes sense.
I'm glad that is one thing that i did not lose - The ability to have intimacy be something special to me. He is awesome.
I love my cop. I love my nameless friend. I love Tans. I don't know what i would do without them...or where i would be right now. They have all saved my life.
I love you guys.
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