Exercise + Donut King = Happy Jackie

I went on my walk this morning listening to music through headphones on my cell phone. I was so excited about my discovery that i had to use it straight away. I have never been big on having fancy cell phones with lots of gadgets. As long as it could make and receive calls and text messages...that was all i needed.

I bought this fancy new one because it was on special through Telecom...it was only a couple of hundred bucks if i signed up for a 24 month contract...the monthly fee worked out cheaper than what i paid for Vodafone top ups every month...by far and i get free minutes and texts. In the long run it works out cheaper and i would never have to race out to get a top up before being able to reply to someone ever again. That was why i bought it...

With my phone i also got a new digital camera and mp3 player with it as an extra surprise. I totally love this phone so much i think i will marry it. It has to be more reliable than my last husband. haha

My walk last night was cool, but this mornings was so much better with music. It was hard not to dance while i walked and i had to remind myself to stop singing when i saw someone coming towards me haha.

DK and i were talking just now about hindsight and life. The last time he came to my apartment in Mt Eden (the time i hoovered like 10 donuts all on my own) i was packing up the place and showed him a family portrait that had been taken in 2000...of myself, Nick, and the kids. We look like the perfect Howick family that had everything.

He looked at the photo and asked why we split up. I told him that i had left the marriage. I had been very unhappy and depressed and felt like Nick didn't love me and there had to be something better out there. More to life i guess. I was just so very depressed and blamed Nick for my depression. I felt like he put me down all the time and never supported me. I always loved Nick, but by the end we were like siblings that argued non stop.

In hindsight, i now realise that Nick did love me. That life was good. That i was lucky to have a loving and hardworking husband who was such a good father.

Despite knowing this now, i never wish things were different or wish i could go back and still be with him. I know if we were still together that neither of us would be happy. That is just part of my depression...i had to go through everything that i have gone through since Nick and I split up...in order to learn what real happiness is. I had these lessons to learn before i could truly be happy.

My experiences that i have had over the past 7 years since him and i split up are part of what make me who i am today...however horrific these experiences were, they taught me how to really truly appreciate the tiniest gifts that get sent my way everyday.

I had never been truly happy. Never. I had never felt truly loved. Never. Even when married to Danny, my depression made everything grey. I loved Danny with all of my heart and i always will but without help for my depression i could never have made even myself happy...let alone make him happy. I would never have left him like i left Nick. I had learnt that lesson the hard way. I would have always stayed because i thought i had learnt my lesson in thinking there had to be more to life than this. I had learnt that there wasn't more to life. I had learnt that i was just not meant to be happy.

Despite the horrible nightmare i have been through in the past 7 years. I am grateful for every experience that i have had. Changing my life has taken away the grey and made everything beautiful for the first time in my life.

I am so lucky and i would not change a thing. Everything that has happened has made me appreciate real happiness now that i have found it...so much. It feels so good to get excited about the little things in life...like the flowers that i gathered on my walk this morning...ahem...they were hanging over the footpath...i swear to god. haha

Had anything in the past 7 years been different. I would still be unhappy. I know this. It also made me feel really good that DK seeing that photo of my family back in 2000, helped him make the right decision regarding what direction his life was going to take. It feels really good to know that my mistakes helped prevent a friend from making similar mistakes. He has been such a supportive friend to me through everything...it was nice to know that i have helped him too, in some small way.


PS...i only ate 3 donuts today haha